California Tech: The Cold Screw, v. 51:[30] June 1, 1950

Pornography, has announceu te luchunication Robinson unavuveary and no norter. revocably fossil flying saucers." had origin of the strange, hyper-ellip- up by 5 o'clock today Apparently the visiting bar- barians lost control of their shir as it crashed through the third story wall of Throop Hall into & Oanic suicken groun of Hresh Dr. Justa Crock, head of the men drawing students. Instruct or Dan Miller, his cigar undam drea, lea nis students from th scene to the • and safety. (the yet, no casualties have been re although several B&C men are still missing: however The original theory as to the it is belleved that they will tur! that they were cobrolles or a nuge. exunci are fossilized ed. note: delete that There Was a The import of this news is ter- cultivated ice-plant in inasmuch as the believed Throop Hall, Twenty "Things" The strange crew of I about 20 •creatures lert che in ured son and began roaming at large over Several • were doorenended devouring the rech front of and it took stup NO RIVET THIS YEAR THIS PAGE DEDICATED TO G. R. MacMINN THE COLD SCREW NOW 'EAR THIS (All the News That's Unfit to Print) Caltech-Scripps Union Success Jerchoff Artificial Insemination Produces First Test Tube Baby, *It" Hot Flash. The first child to be conceived by the new artificial insemination Caltech-Scripps formula has just been test-tubed, it was announced by the proud Caltech Biology Department Jerchoff Hall, parents of the "individual." It is an "It," was the only revealing information released by the department. Pictures of the pregnant Testubes holding its four siblings may be seen elsewhere Drat Dem Rabbits Dr. Slybert Teiler. head of the Caltech-Scripps newly formed aruncia program, spoke today before a delegation of enthusiastic Scripps Semena- tans in a speech marking the first nine month anniversary o the program. More Sea Urchins have been fertilzed by me and my assist ants than anybody," Teiler sald smugly, at the seniellal. Dam Dey Hides "ea urchins. for those of you not acquainted with Caltech biol-are round, spiny purple an- mals about Six Inches In alamie with sharp spikes over four (every where. that is) their bodies," Dr. Teiler explained. Turn Yo Back Seniors The Humanities Department regrets to inform the Class of Mars-Monsters Attack CIT 1yau of the tolowing facts of 1950 No member of the cy s5 will pass History this year cause of the low quality of the work submitted so far. Via Spatial Soaring Saucer neretore. there will be no degrees granted in 1950. Seniors desiring to grad Revered Drs. Senator McCarthy Blames Russians; uate may return to school 1n Dean Jones Shrieks "Keep Calm!" the fall of 1950 for a special| H-10 course, upon successful Spew Verbiage a hord of mong try de Calach or gus i At 2:55 this afternoon the Caltech campus was invaded by space ship converon or which the b.s struck beloved Throop Hall, symbol of C.I.T. scientific and en- degree will be granted. Tech authorities who have gineering genius. interviewed about the re John A. schultz, Ph.D cent were apprehe ive she Fossils Support Barbarians cers were apprehensive ONE MAN'S FAMILY vast implications of their land-Said authorities interviewed: Saucer Theory Dean Accoster Wrong: It's a plot by MIT to lure the fresh- Institute's Department of Pale-men way; byt the way, did you ontology and know that lechmen participated in 99 44/100% more of anything fossil forms taken from the new floor head. or anybody than students at sub-basement of nearby school? W1111 hurts-hy stein. promi- 217th) nent plumbing entrepeneur con nected with the Institute this to say: "To arms, men! we soidal spheres must protect the iceplant from the Invader! reluctive this: rest todav. tor tomorrow slothlike dinosour you may be tired! We're send- word). ing a bill of 314,159.00 dollars to the Invaders tot • breaking une second-story Throop window knocking off one brick, and rific, rooung ter cevlants. the deposits containing endous strength on the par OI Chis $314,158.00 was for labor." the fossils is middle-upper-lower Officer Newton to prevent further culle evident wily Dr. Milk Can, eminent physic- would appreciate any MARS-MEN LAND ON THROOP hand as an aid in getting ulizea. Dr. Teiler and his assis- : To Be Given Female Formula made the rollowine state ment: "When I was a boy we tants worked on the urchins for Dr. Accent A. Bohnorbust, at lived on the farm; by the some time before realizing there The Caltech Geldings and at the latest semenar in mathe ume i was lo vears old i coule were more terule so lo speak Browns Department has matics, announced his discovery, chin myself 92 times Then regions of research. nounced a new fellowship to be nine came the ol-dronver expermen presentea next year to ule laal will Dr. Slybert Teiler, (Continued on All the Females) or crit Dey's Multipled Upon being approached by sev. est underclassman of the year, equation of a woman. elal cartech students, who com- according to Bilious X. Hertzhis- The portion most admired has plained of dimculues simmar to the equation of a those besetting Sea urchins in The judgment on this award = sin x, while the their relations, Dr. Teller decided will be based upon candi- curve y simple sine Lurid Expose Tellx below represented to inaugurate the new eugenics dales Imitation or useless Ath'naeum Vice boldl cooraldles with a modi tions by the present G&B can- and artificial insemination fied conchoid curve, Tau Sigma Athenaeum announced unorrcialy yesterday that nar gram YALILICID corresponaina to c Following is the body of his commemorative address. The lucky winner of this cov. riodie function with respect (Mohs 7 or more) liquor would eted award will receive, upon time. available, starting next term Dey Got No Code "The male in our present civil. sienne non-comnunist Postulate 1 in the new mathe- "Inis valuable aaaliton its, a full scholarship to the Sam services already rendered by the ludLOl Ilas sunk to a new and matical relations with women is: most low position. coorcinates shoulo Present 112 Houston Institute of Technologs ev indrica Athenaeum is due primarily the ambiton or two or une scu raso rexas adal- ures indicate that over 80 percent used in or the wealth is controlled by be place of Polar Co tion, the first-place winner will dent waiters. ordinates whenever possible receive d medallion of Blacker To Get women; this appaling state Prof. Bonnoroust has developed These nave decided Paleocene, representing a time mutilation of the grounds Othe affairs seems to be on the room-mouldings with crossed ice this theorem thru his faithful 17,382,689 Marsmen crease plant clusters. aide, Harry Lass, take of the Capitalste system of some years ago, who has while it is still in sublected me nroothesis to at Cal- several mont ad Decaine 10s in th Calacoit vent of the earliest prehistoric and lower Astrobnvsies Dey Got No Rules been nOw suggested award is presented, conuract nas direday numeral experimental proofs. tech been signed between the waiters man, represented by such speci Lower Pointed Ears that entirely dominate ub will lake a compiele vaca- Intuitively Obvious and mens as may be seen toddy The visitors are short in stat tion, in order to rest from the ithe lower recesses of Bridge ure have a greenisn the world, and to this end, they refuse (in vociterous delemnin festivities of the presentation. It Will be noted that the varl- 1o denver the Deverases orderea ous major curves involved here within a week after the order. Laboratory. shadow which at first appears ation) to engage copulation The following candidates have are proportional been suggested to each other. Since Kirkoff is, already set up to the casual observer as a typ Young Man from with the opposite sex this notori- mos In portant une aenver. Diraseed or Kerckhoi tungus. nave ou vast and Tal- ous aware wav Macobniy. low. grain alcohol and animals, it was The fossil discs are described pointed ears, and a decided slov Realizing the reaching significance of this should be obvious by inspection. est-purity-score-in-the-16-year-old-class winner, is well qualified be. It is fundamental to the design natural that they were chosen by Dr. Crock as follows: "The enly posture. When asked fossils most vital step, the research de or the cree-axis strecn. which • 1OI the contract in spite of under discussion nro give ner Imbression of te Mars cause of nis record of never nav subordinates all other design fac. bids of Gates, Crellin and Dab-in all cases hyper-ellipsoidal men, Miss Pond, the Dean's sec partment of CIT (Controlled Insemination Techniques) has ing succumbed to an immoral tors to the whole effect. ney House soneres resemorns an answered that chosen to grapple with the prob- woman since coming to Caltech. Desolle Dr. Fickleworns 1n Away From outward form. The size is va- unable to asuncuish men trou sistence that this equation is the Customers will avoid the cus busi- alcoholic ranging from 296 cm. to Techmen at first. "It was only lem in an effort to replenish the bev. 17,941 cm The fossils are very when I realized they carried no (Contniued on Us, Doggone It) 'Greasy' To Be perfect curve, the whole tomary on ness nas been submitted for con erages because the contract and well preserved, and the peculiar slide har I Knew the Campus Calendar Condemned By sideration at the next puerpa- resultant financial transactions teric math semenar for general will internal structure is evident in were not Techmen." unmentioned all cases. Civil Engineers Despite frequent denials fron THURSD PPe eon Club Health Board ciscussion El Paso Exercises: bootleg-ta.) In a sudden move which left a Mind a woman To order "This internal structure is reg- the above luxuries, prominent military oficials as to existence of the flying disc ular Institute officials at a complete (b) Prove Postulate 1. customers are requested to order symmetrical, multi- used as the Marsmens lllade o1 two cups of soup and an empty chambered and our friends in transportation, huge crowds are Prove harmonic FRIDAY WOLUs Lne bowl from the waiters in green the announeed motion. the chemistry department inspecting the craft Health Department period port that the material is 8:30 the condemnation of the Old small oscillations about an equi- sole mains perchea on unree ardwin: new element, tentatively named tables in 3011 Dorm Building, including the in norium vom Choose any old Hairy ADes Your reporter Party-Bring famous Greasy. pt.; don't be shy.) This is another addition to the The attitude and slight de- was amazed at first sight at the $30 11D. (d) Construct a graph with the services the formation of the fossils indicates similarity between the wrecke that they struck The ground ship and the many descriptions Mr. Slurp of the Health De- aid of calipers, and compare it Athenaeum One of the most re with some force, further sup given in the past three years by 8:00 partment stated, in an exclusive with the mathematical curve. cent additions is the "Male-Fe- interview for the lech. thac une male Friendship Club" for lone porting the flying sauce al-minaeo beovie Or orY rather than United States of objects the the Civb, Bath Dance-in 201 "premises occupied by these two ly catech studenis. see Madam Harnom for details and appoint- After a complete and thorough saw in the skies. (The U.S. Gov- really too, investigation of these forms of course, denied the SUNDAY Treating Board Room- cuter prise aLt terroler The ban will take ef- ments.) lernnels， cannot out conclude that they ladies Jumi validity in any of these reports.) 11:00 and fect immediately, and the loss of adequate eating (?) facilities Of course, faculty and are indeed fossil rChillidarto of We asked three U.S. Army En dents are making use of flying saucers." (Contniued on Us, Doggone It) TOI summer snakes will prob bookie service oftered y 8:00 ably be hard felt. Who Had His Head Up TUNCUTI HiD. head chef. Good odds are given and a fine reputation had beer Mr. Sloppyspoon, when ques established in the short ume ne tioned about plans for replacing these rened. we Never forget This has been operating. Trom Fir will rebuild immediately, ran Recital-Hunter Mead the sanit using The roulette wheel is spun or of course. Rest today for Wednesday nite only Ask the The possibility of fire-proofing head waiter for Ed to get the the new structure was scoffed at Sloppyspoon, mut- tomorrom you straight clue er institutions, and with the help Highes renearest bar for your best en. tered, "Let the damn Ching Escapes All in all, the Athenaeum RIDAO Senior Egestir we emonie burn." may be ted. tast becoming one of the tore Hooaugh! most centers of campus life here solve cossi etely the question of used ApoNan orital i to, n (Contiued on Us, Doggone It) at Caltech. THIS PAGE DEDICATED TO WEE WILLIE WRIGHT Shocking Social Conditions at Tech CAMDUS BREWINS The We have recently procured shocking evidence to the licentious Beak having neatly even he appeared in short order, The Hot Rivet type of orgy that the nestaent associates of the student houses wound up his column for the making the scene complete. At year, was under the impression remembering that Published one Thursday each year during examinations and permit to go on therein under the title of "social functions." "If Rape that, now having found the phi-he John B. Pierce Moundation noldav verous The general tone prevailing at these functions is one of most im- recently reported that 16% CALIFORNIA INSTITUTION FOR TECHNOCRATS Mult 11O11 ulsaster deplorable depravity, and our reporter has painted to us a hair- CHICI or dil women would like to sleep Pasadena, California Talsis picture of girls from among the best Pasadena families, the Moving Finger moved. That in the nude, the Beak grinned suoscrionon lates indecerininate their minds set atre by alconol, oscinating to and fro and cheek broth of a boy, the Editor of the cat- -and, Entered as seventh-class matter Jan. 1, 1903, at the Post Office, secll. doorOachea and sug- tnousn would rather Lower Cucamonga, Calif., under the Act of March 3, 1492. to cheek with the assorted blades residing in the student houses. onces. Lower rnleaming Is Inevitable gested further toolings. saying so, a Cheshire cat sitting Father Doubted next to us at the time grinned Telephone? So can The couples were thereupon seen to adjourn to cars parked The Beak's 1lo curled super Ike the beak Distributed by "Campu: Brewins" along San Pasqual Street, where Dabney house pins were rumored ciliously. "Tell it to Sweeney," o. Phillup space, Editor lo ve uaaea dallist Kisses, and where the suppressed giggles, But She Lied EDITORIAL STAFF screams, and equivocal groans left our reporter lo surmise the we advised, but, leaning over to oweeney. who naa chancea The picture thereupon began, Managing Editor. Etaoin Shrdlu come along, the Editor told him, and the started aucnor benea News Editor Noate blorns Relax and and we were left hammering our Jean Harlow, unaccountably sit Sports Editor Oscar Wilde It is with deep regret that the "Watchtower" points to these Ln y rists at the toor ting in a dentist's office holding Editor. DILLY alant outrageous excesses amongst the ranks of the intelligentsia, and, much as we would like to condone the spirit of fun and good fe. This being was Monday, all that a conv of the natona reoctav Feature Editor. H Macbowel left to do was to repair upside down and pretending Chief of Copy. ....G. R. to be absorbed in a Magyar folk MakeMenn which has earler produced such norapes as the classical movie series in cui News Stiff. The Hot Rivet of the bertson- unpromising under- wavs. while the thin. blood-cul California Tech is published annually nand in severe censure Enjoy It," Confucius The responsibility for the world of tomorrow, slender though it mav be dennitely rests with ne young ones of today. dilu cannot but feel that the excesses along the lines of alcoholism and sexual promiscuity will not be conductive to making better Americans out of them taking idea ding surface-noise of the movie Rewrite Stiff. ..if anybody thinks of it by the Press Club proved felicitous. back-roule of the California Institute • Tor Mer nowever since the Jean Harlow being earthy Suddenly an ear-splitting shriek Sports Stiff Press Club is officially defunct ap- arose, Deal obviousty buruck done, anu, receding in a choked gur it is obvious that the annual monstrosity will nie Willie a Droninent menver rornorraoners amidst the Faculty's coarsening not be padished this yed. of the Biology Department was Business Staff guffaws at the seen to race across the Culbert- Business Manager. os, te scene laviary develodeu A Schmoe momentarly ooscur business oun into one of sickening debauch, Who Dealt suggesting Babylon at its most ing the screen, and apparently Circulation Manager. .C. Williams pursuit uissolute babylon, Moulaila, Kerckhoff's Assistant. www.a.et Cyr whose escave earler Jo le venevolent and orlanthrope sous who send teu This Mess that is.) Mother Cried the afternoon had set ears agog. advertisements for publication in the profitless columns of THE By JOHN ROGERS Yet the Beak stood a figure Burma Shavex TECH, wish to present the information that clJclL a pillar unmoved by the unis issue or Id nor kiris cubiishee In blace of the regulai The other day, after finishing plandishments and mockery -of somewhat Tlasseu, and we wert edition. Also we wish to cheer your downcast minds with the vomewhat aware oi unable to ascertain the cause of wave all my assignments ior the nexi the presence behind him the general statement this will have about twice the circulation commotion which THE CALIFORNIA TECH boasts, so put a smile on your week, and having received notes from three professors stating blonde, black suddeny snook the aborence. faces and be ready to receive the additional Tech customers who wat 1 was zelne an A in each georgette and open-mesh stock- though it was later rumored that even now may be preparing to enter your establishment. THREE WAYS TO END A of their courses and need not take the final, I decided the time ings, but dimly beheld the a momentary appearance of Dr presence of celebrities like Del shomaker, at the side entrance 1. Ask the laay on your 112n DruCk Dean waton. Eagleson holding a heavy glass tray laden nda come 1oi a llue relaxauon. So, shading my eyes from the un- if she's married. Should she say and others, who well attested to brightness the ask her she with sweetmeats, was responsi any of erudition in At this point, the beak, a: lourse-tiere was a dance ulai cnlloren. it sne says no the face of the Harlowean on- Beaks will, cracked, and muttering some inconsequential excuse night—I pushed my way into the her how she does it. slaughts. dining room and sat down Ask the lady on your Daughter's Innocent our companion about having 11 shes married. Il she says no Paul Armstrong sporting an to dine with a man in Sandusky, Oldy a rew hanas or orlage. ask her if she has any children. I was playing west, and with equally unsettling and original Ohio, Doctor lipgrass 3. Ask the lady across from voluolary. the more Stala ele the corridor, ruboing his Now Cough! north dealing, the first hand was as follows: vou l she has anv chilaren ment was represented by Beno hands. In a scene she says "yes" ask her if she's Gutenberg and Sholto Detweiler. worthy of having been staged by Lubitsch, S A, Q, J, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4 married. we then bumped into a H 2 All mat was needed to compiere -El Burro the scene would have been the grad student Chem escorting Nell Ley- D 3 Humanities Dr. Bowerman, and dennecker, Barnesville fame and had the SK 3 1400 应 Short Dissertation 1LO1 D 10, 9, 8, 7, 4, 2 K, Q, J, 5 S2 C 10, 7, 6, 3 H A 10, 7, 5, 3 *10 -9 male Mammary Gland in 3- C A, 9, 8, 2 Feels Himself The bidding, attended by in cresing amazement on my part, By TeD roul North East South West Communism, Gad! Anu-vivisection league, Interest rousing, 5 D 6 0 エPP NT There once was a monkey named Herman. Well worth browsing ON1 Who was always a'scratchin' and 7 NT dbl. skirmin'. bare breasts my mind intrigue. redbl. when asked by a raboit conemn ation At this point north To account for this habit pinochle gave up, threw a deck He frankly confessed it was Of inflation artner. vermin Moves me but to reverie, and stalked out of the room. Interpreted this as a pass but brassiere ads and led the king of clubs CALTECH IN A NUTSHELL And their kin fads Stimulate the man in me prompty took this with his ace By TED POLK and led the spade two. low; dummy played I played Pity the plight of the Techman! My いいいしい psyche blesses ane won me trick "he Witness: Low-cut dresses spade History and economics, ace was now led from dummy, And me on-me-shoulder blouse Mes and ultrasonies, As criteria catching my king. South LIOW MA 1 and AM 2, O'er inferior laid down the rest of the hand Physics 6 with phi sub nu, for 1490 points. Archaic ways to pick a spouse. Gracient measure of potential, partner dealt the next And equations differential, Prejudice-less hand, and I picked up the fol- Matrices and forms quadratic, would vou then guess lowing cards: S-4, 3, 2; H-A, K, Q, J; D-A, Transformations most erratie, Mathematical extention, Sue of light in vacuo, Hades, K, Q, J, 10; C—A. Flippings through a fourth what the ladies My partner opened three dimension unese alliver wilches, Waiter, dulu Do You Know 90. easy on the soda. What is the moment of inertia | Fersch's Note-The Beak has been about Apollo's perpendicular bi- experiment the vt develoned in the nu man contact potential reactions, about which he claims Techmer under know so little. (So are we Relieve itchiness the exverenced uruance What is the student house caused by things tnat cause Potson. Use our itch remover, it has been menu for tomorrow? found by spinning dient, Scratcho. anti-itch ingre- the famous Breakfast: Kellogs' Corn Pops. collarnis slatue about runcarnenta Remember-Moms Loves roos Makes you feel axis that the correct answer can Kids Love Pops; Pops Loves unitched. Do you have to scratch be found on page 3.14159 of Mil- Pops! at embarlass clines. Does you. Ile Call Roll Her ana walli girl have to scratch you? bont comal Lunch: Cheese Fungoo and scratch when you're No bones can be picked stuffed elefant prepuces. itchy, use about this subject. lch-lo. containing Scratcho Supper: Squash juice, zukini When will the Big T come souash, bollea polatoes in souash out? 1301 E. Calif. St. Barnhouse Bungholm, gravy, uncooked pork with tri- next china and squash sauce, bread yeal s Have Your co-sooke remarked in wil sauash am. and squasne GRADUATION-CAP sure aside e "How da h-l should cobbler. know?? So non- & GOWN PORTRAITS chalanuy strolled down Taken at Gerk's hole in the unpaved part LLOYD Photographer 766 E. Colorado St. 2-7205 of the Catacombs and axed him che sale chery now da 1l- should I know??? It won't be out till Engholm is in charge any way See him!" iun sea Where can the nearest Hearst reborter de found Obviously he is in the fourth sub-basement of Kirckhoff being vivisected in Boy-Biologist Karl Spend the night in, apropos? spades, and south passed. Operations small and large unis point 1 decided that it our Constantly preserving charge, Keep your vectors, opponents could try it so could Measure mass and length and Spher'cal sectors, and 1 bid six time, Shove divergence and its curls, North doubled. and when the bid Make a pH test on brine, If you know me was passed around to me, I re- waten the molecule migrations, doubled. You will show me Sexy, bold and buxom girls. Caltech Pharmacy COURTESY SERVICE SATISFACTION Devendable Registered Pharmacis Prompt Free Motor Delivery 882 East California Street Sycamore 2-210 Pasadena, California UMAN RATOR April 27 - There are 43.762% 1ore hrey Tals Caolia Outer Mongolia than in Tannu Tuva. Dartier s hand Note the color in titrations, turned out to contain the follow- Though your answers be most ing cards: curious Q, J, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5; H- Take derivatives fast and 5, 4, 3, 2. furious, Measure. weigh. North led the two of clubs evaluate, which I took with the ace, not- Collect data, calculate, ing that south was void in clubs, Salic geologic loot ana that he contract would suli Operators that permute. make if the ace of spades was in Revolutions? Time us one! south's hand. At this point north Extract square root of minus one poinea our a sent discrepancy. To avoid extreme disaster I had played the spade ace, not Take down data better, faster, the clun ace. My glee at making a redoubled small slam was Get accuracy to places nine, For SPECIAL STUDENT RATES Place Your Order for a Corsage Early at JOKER'S FLORISTS Second Building South of California on Lake Only a Few Blocks from Tech Watch your limits, check your mediately changed 6181 when tound that I had sorted xtravolae wit sualerem my hand wrong and was actually void in clubs. North now laid Integrate, use Taylor's gem, down cins physic, take a guess, other twelve Pull a thereby setting the contract 1 coucht De much worse a twelve tricks and collecting 9200 Though experiments are points. delusive I calmly excused myself and Your results must be conclusive. went back to my room. Quickly Slave and labor, gripe and moan, I wrote out a note to three pro- tessors. Sing your blues, and weep and groan, YOUR COLLEGE SHOP - DRESS WEAR - SPORTSWEAR CASUAL CLOTHES 881 E. Colorado Fouler /chrader Open Fri. Nights argege That'll teach you to teach me about putting Angostura in your Martini. ANGOSTURA. AROMATIC BITTERS MAKES "Dear Professor: I prefer to Swear to heaven, take the final; the thought keeps Cal on Heu. me out of trouble." "Men's Distinctive Fashions" Advertisement FRESHMEN! SOPHOMORES! JUNIORS! SENIORS! ANYBODY!! Do you feel neglected by your triends. Do you feel neglected by your school? Do all your magnificent efforts to further the interests of yoursen and vour school 2o unappreciated? Obviously YOU Are Not Getting the RECOGNITION YOU DESERVE When you graduate from col lege, you will want to have something owners undt vou were tous. You will want some momento indicative of your success. We are able to help you If your school has not yet noticed your superior abilities why don't you buy a person alized, individual honor key from แร? We have a complete line of honor keys, suitable for all types and requirements, de sisheu to nt your own bat ticular needs. Start Today to Enjo That Distinction You So Richly Deserve!! Order an Honor Key From Us at Once! Honor-More Offer-More Honor Key Company 1511 First Street Podunk, Illinois But keep on grinding. THIS PAGE DEDICATED TO MIRIAM, MARY MCNAMEE AND ALL THE CAMPUS FEMALES ON THE REVERED DOCTORS RECORD (Continued from MacMinn) Germanitis Hits Tordsen Pitches When I was invited to Cal- By Bill Whitney tech • du the age of 45, I. (Ed. Note: Due to limitations of Fourth Victim Frosh To 112-21 "Lost Chord" Is Found! WinoverRedlands Beaver Mead Clams Up on Organ Dr. finish Probably However Milk Can's statement.) Indeed Also Fifth Behind the no-hit, no-run, no- Dr. Hunter Mead, Caltech phil- Di. bauling, emena man who walk pitching w aluearey Usoony ana sycholosy does everything, said, "They The whole Division of Human- Tordsen, the little Weavers base say at my house: if the Red ities was shaken yesterday when ball with the discovery of Dean can do it, so can they. We eleven outran, outblocked, sor, has been ofcially credited was announced marousur outhit the Redlands five 112-2 another have discovered that there were Broom, well-known chemist, had contracted Germanitis, the dread-in a game under the Tournament sports lost chord, stated a bulletin Park lights last night leased late yesterday evening by TOIL creatures. each or volume 1u speech disease attriouted t the Lost Chord Watchers Soci- 2.65 cu. ft., in one 103.7 cu. ft. ship; they used cubic closest an overdose of L 32abc, or First-yearscientificgerman. packing. More follow, 120, m the her ning of tie roBert Pessimistic ganists. This brings to a total of five cornuterus the number of lost chords which don't stop your already enthused administered the doses of the fa. ed tal material, held little hope for secret wed gon Mead has found during the past verusal sea all About N.D. Game three years. Mary Techmen are wonderful." Found on 1907 P.O. case," remarked that confident manner so well Ir. Dubudge His newest find was made on! known to his admirers, First 4-Minute In an exclusive interview with the Dean of Southern Californi: a 10r olde organ which 1s 1n stalled in his home. It was on calmly said, "Don't worry, boys, Jr Underthe wtner.us all d turned around to the infield and Mile to Be Run football coaches, our own Bert LaGushery, your reporter found this same organ that Mead, in Fair Deal plot-Remember, vote added, as he pored I'll save you." bildu Only ramt nex Next year will see the first year's schedule that there is the came across ae tamous over Physicalische Zeitschrift, 6 XX S.666f He then proceeded to deliver four-minute mile in history, say possibility Of our los Sullivan chord, believed to have Jahzals a series of nine pitches which Wolfgang ing is that with Notre Dame been Schmythe and misplaced in 1895 by Sir anyone asks me another viously it has been 110 per cent passed over the middle of the Wolfgang von Brucherie, collab The only reason the Coach has Arthur Sullivan plate with such speed and power orators in the development any fear of this reputed (Hah!!!) This brilliant piece of research them. come alone wILd A Tech reporter was sent to that the only record of them was the secret method which will en- the nation is that brought its discoverer immediate who insisted recorded on the Caltech seismo-able "Meter" world-Wide tame, and his subse graph ten miles away. Pason to astounc the world next spring the Te griddertel na to thy one day practice due to the achievements have estab- In the last half of the ninth Since this issue of the Cali fact that all of them will unisi lished his reputation permanently as one of the most productive slugged 28 home runs fornia Tech has been classified their assiduous studying in sum- the California Street fence "Confidential," the editors are late (These of lost chord investigators. reenng well at Chis barueulat (in fact, seven balls were found had to attend summer school to The new chord has been con- astrophysics tele- dole LO OIESCaU 1ls redaers Lost in 1713 this summary of this new meth- th courses Indeed scope to mass a lola or lo hs od destined to revolutionize the they flunked due to the heavy spring firmed by The umpire then All-Americans Misse worle or track ine veals oi Watchers Society as the one lost in April, 1713, by Domenici Ve- lations Caltech's this momentous discovery can- Bert also says we will miss not, of course, be revealed, for the work of our three All-Ameri can linemen and one Un-Ameri nucu. an obscure contemporary other end or the line and giving secumy reasons of Bach. Venutti was a contra- instructions to one of his secre- can ack However, there are Rest Today puntarist, none of whose compo taries not to be disturbed agam enough players who were only a sitions nas survived the three during the course of the Caltech is fortunate in having slidue pooler last yeal and unu. neno a track which is aligned ir hundred years since Torced to ride the bench, who wast-west Direction. poser's death. He seems not to Therefore "Where was I? can fill their shoes, take their north straight-away places, step into their positions, nave been widely known even sat there playing nothing in par- Jes rurther nort nan me sout during his own time, except for ticular, the •I talked to Broom out. said take up where they left off, etc. Galtech 1s the fact that he possessed a sin- etc. My fingers were just fortunate in being situatec Next year, it was announced gularv erraule and unbredictable of wandering div over the keys. in the Northern Hemisphere, so by the Athletic Committee, there organ technique, which resulted when all of in his losing thirteen chords dur- sudden upon —it. I realized at once that that the ssa les at a greater will be an extra appropriation of distance from the polar axis of $50,000 to entice promising high mng his reume. I had found something, so I im- The chord which Dr. Mead has mediately began the unearthed was. in fact, lost by research the earun than the nsa senoot rooloall Davers to ak saule way as lue beak ex. would establish its iden- It is intuitively obvious from tech to ensure a strong Frosh the above. and une tact that une Team, as last • year's team al Venutti through sheer careless-tity." ness during a recital given short- No Further Details earth rotates toward the east lowed two or their opponents to before his death, wren Mead did not wish to give fur i with a constant angular velocity score (field goals both times) technical and improvisational ther details as to how he went N Char the ssa possesses a creat Ne carried i double At the same time the team aver abilities had reached a new low, about tracking down the elusive er absolute eastward velocity Vs deu only 40 points a came 12s1 and his memory was beginning sequence than the nsa, Vn. season, so you can easily see and to fail him. merely the routine procedures of whe dress calight. nre For Tomorrow agree that something has to be Keyboard Mistake scientific aole In the past it has been cus The chord was a keyboard mis- such would not be of interest to possibly through tradi the ssa. take, Dr. Mead stated in the pa the general public. rion inserted rom me anden per announcing the results of his Mead has Throop Indians, to start all races You May investigations to the Lost Chord tor membersolo 1n the auond. at the midpoint of the nsa and Drs. Schmythe and Brucherie 1 consisted Academy of Sciences, an Associ- ated thence for the runner to oroceed propose to run all races track of a C major seventh superim- ated Press Bulletin revealed this don't you try Irena sala is this counter- posed upon a D thirteenth. atternoon recuon would inake "Yes." And our friend around the track in it is intul. men around the track in a clock clockwise direction. wise direction, under which The first chord should have been Dr. Mead the twenty-ninth mem- said. "Are you positive?" tivelv obvious. Thererore cumstances the velocity of the a C minor seventh, according to ber of the Caltech faculty to be -Record the runner moves in an east runner and une velociv of th Mead's calculations. so honored. ward direction on the ssa earth will augment each other and der these circumstances th substantially reduce the An interesting feature of the time required for the runner t locity of the runner on the ssa vealed to a Tech a fifth for Vs and the velocity of the ssa negorata the csa An opposite (due to the rotation of the earth effect will exist on nsa, but as Vs is greater than Vn, the tim for as descred above, Vee st chord accidentally. Overstuned onans same direction, lost on the nsa is less than the time gained on the ssa. It is wardly as tne runner orocecus believed by these curtain WIlICI acludity along the ssa, the straight-away wes that the time thereny saven effectively is constantly moving in a mile race will enable "Me- away in ronc or nuill au lus owl velocity Vs. sub Pason, Caltech's crack miler To Do the tlrst. man in recorder TAKE THE SIMMER OUT OF SUMMER WITH MESH WEAVE FABRIC LETS THE BREEZE IN! stantially increases the time re history to crack the four-minute oured lor ne runner to traverst barrier. Lightweight Shirts and PASADENA BOWLING COURTS 970 Colorado Caltech Bowl emphasize It should be unnecessary to avolaing Number any leakage this A-1 top secret data other schools of the comerenc Sports Shirts kq Arrow We Highly Recommend Carl's Caltech Barbers On California St. Near Lake $3.65 "p You'll stay more comfortable on the hottest days in our new "air conditioned" Arrow shirts! Besides coolness, these shirts have Arrow's smart collar styling and fine tailoring! 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CORSAGES YOUR DATE WILL LOVE at Reasonable Prices CALIFORNIA FLORISTS 26 East California Street SYcamore 6-2693 In the Middle of the Block THIS PAGE DEDICATED TO US, DOGGONE IT Tech Brown-Shirts Subdue CALTECH-SCRIPPS UNION most interesting results: sanity | MARS-MONSTERS (Continued from MacMinn) of the inseminator is most diffi- (Continued from MacMinn) decreasing store of humanity. gineers who are doing graduate Dey Just Behave A case might well be recorded: Civil Engineering work Inroo lo give us el ovinioi accented as a tunda Treacherous McTheory Gang twas •Une youthrul lab tecnnician wa: mental tenet that humans should suadery of the space ship, but their re overcome by the in ply was merely No comment. continue to propagate, the meth-anity of the whole business, and ods hitherto engaged in, having like Bartolomew Sholto in Otner Fregnant fact been abandoned for lack of fas- To actually describe the disc cination. bien or the Mient expertenceu would require many words. Let Hunter Weed Manifests Ignorance ""GREASY" CONDEMNED an urge most incompatible with The investigations have begun the spirit of the entire experi-it suffice to say that the disc is approximately 13.579 feet in di In Exclusive "Behind-Bush" Confab rumors, with the Paragon ment Several East, ameter. has a maximum depth denied by vehemently the Institute admin- You'll Never Purge of 5.08 feet, is capable of a trans- Los Angeles--May 22, 1950. Police today in a surprise chminns A ahoratory has neet asuralon. nul that te real red- raid captured the notorious McTheory gang, which has been established, known as the Live Unfortunately, no one was on lational velocity of 9,849 mile. son for closing the old place was hand to protect the subject anc terrorizing Los Angeles and California in general for the last the discovery of a house of joy ldo. ana au llorinaton vertair ber nour (an unheard-of speed The swift climax to the thrilling search came early ing thereto has been designated an unfortunate occurence took on this planet—as well as el youis. Old place. this Sansdick chancing today when Fearless Foster Long. motorcycle patrolman No. the uoer noor or ule as secret. An outline of this calipus), anu a lOlalonde soeeu Dorm, with the real pressure for 6969¼, attempted in vain to overhaul a speedy Cadillac. Rec-elosing coming from the Pasa- proclam is recommenaea oy un unexpectealy uoon une scene of 200s radians per second. The beheld a picture that combined latter two figures are based on ognized in the car were the forces of the Milkan Brothers, C. B. vice souaa. wIch Lne chair. Like Crazy Fools the suculent aspects calculations taking into Health Department ruling as a the Quatz' Art Ball and a Ger Several millions have been set consideration humictv. temner. Long Way to H... the stolen and hot car business to preserve the repu-aside by Congress to forward this man officers' revel in occupied M. point and other Not wanting to shoot and spoil lation of the school A nien effort. Doctors C. Beekless the leopard-skin Belgium-two types of wassail "pregnant" anc turnshe em win soecial data unho sterv. Foster radioed ahead automobiles as the occasion de-ministration official was queried and Atlas Sansdick were selected Ion? 'neld 1n abnorrence by Di as to the truth of these rumors, Keds. manuea. to head the staff of competent Sansdick. Later on an automatic Not all government officials Tol a road bock and ten 101 and emonaucally dentea any men who are even now still be-gassing system was installed to seem to be taking the incident lowed at a safe distance unt posible virtue to the charges brevent a recurrence or such un mg clarea. All those Interestea Senator Doc Pains was the gang's M.D., McCarthy (R, C. B. noticed that they were be- and used the veternarans 1ou As the reporter left the office, 1n2 Clarea ne tien doodrenu obtaining positions should scientific business. Wis.) I asauena au as a cover-up, and performed or the auminisrator was nedra Call-notify the placement office, CIT. You Can't Subdue the moment for a full, scathing ly reached into the back seat and ing Mamie at the Old Dorm to A sunilar oro ect took hauled out an elephant gun with farmed out llegal operations for cancel some sort of reservation. blac Sooth-sayers of the Biology de- several years ago under the aus- investigation. McCarthy dispatched the vice end. which was aDiv partment have evolved a system Was unorea Say 1112 nest whien ne promouy handled by • "Chesty" Smock, late pices of I. Gotter Hovitt, Ph.D. better unis which. albel evoca damn Reds have gone too far" Patrolman Long Theory, so that the total score results were untortunatel departure from world. who was driving, of Harold's Club, Harold, and the surbank supercharged for the afternoon was 4 cats, 3! Ine making, will unquestionably cul unfortunate, as the female sub- sheep. and one field mouse most useful. All refer- Washington Tresuert And then McTheory decided he Jしいし found the desirability ence to the breviousiv assimi man's comment: "The world is electron drive in a vain attempt However, they met on the alreci contact. more settled now than in 1946.' to run through road block. knew more than Bantam and 1t coming Anotner Int back, and lated act has been obviated and, Fortunately he got there too late was time to cut interesting observations was that in its place, a more dispassionate Dilenea Vatue ensuea. The only it required two Schmippsites Tomorrow What? Shattereo nos withess to this gangland orgy system has evolved. The strength Dean W. Johns wishes it Police had swung truck with him from the old gang, such broduce one undernourisnea. Hunter Weed, of solution, for example, will be emonasized that classes wil be low-complected product. With measured in held as usual tomorrow, except derUss the road, and unable to legendary figures in the world of pened to be necking behind a tall son-one bonus crime as Mallett Smith and Ma- stop, the such inadequate yields, the nec-per Henry will be known as one in 301T. Freshman section J-1, Milkan brothers palm tree when he noticed chine Gun Shootz, ace trigger- essirv Tor aruncial Tecnniques shooting. the gonus per Henry-this is to pre- which normally meets 1n thai crashed into it an approxi- mate speed of 184.328 miles per man, Bert La Goochery, psycho- became obvious CVCl the room tomorrow, will meet in 117 "I don't know what the hell . One of the more pathic confidence man, and Hen- beef-witted researcher VCんまし alloisulty nour cater examinaton of the went on," said Hunter Weed in ambitious scientists, Dr. Monroe car disclosed tremendous ry Hudson, scout for the outfit. is turther obvious that the new Fruehaf, ably assisted by Lena rul ceralled revorts comniete approach of necessity had to be H Bombs Next The fight continued for three speed due to eight carburetors, dispassionate one, and the proposed d trieory ord with pictures can be found else each teecino serutan into the McTheory anticipated trouble, no Mom Aleuu sem Jud sarlou gonocentric universe. This can| where in this issue motor. It ran backwards.) and it soon came. The gang, MeTheory, when Bantam's sup- new cil ban can achieve this best be described by a disfinite The Milkan brothers had with meanwhle, nad movea out to d Oly or benzearne and bourbon But de Rabbit Clan lorora. Inroust ILLCISいしいこ frustration them a complete record of mem small ranch in the orange groves ran out. It is manifestly apparent that of which a small boy is attempt- That Kabbit Urge bers of the gang, from which the of San Dimas. One night, as La From this time on, McTheory the research staff was the weak ing to lead a camel. A disem The biophysies of the process was out (Continued on Page 5) chain, podred conus reposes at the lor has been arnos exciusively rest of the men were immediate roochery DickIng fruit along the highway, he was Schmippsites leave nothing oids center, and the small boy veloped by CIT's Dr. Bert Teiler, ly rounded up. Sexy Savages machine gunned to death from a PASADENA, CALIF., June be desired in a dispassionate ap-consequently fails in getting the whose well-known researches in 2-The Class of 1950 of the Cali- roach lo te oroblem can e chrouen procedure the feld, though connned to t The fabulous McTheory gang speeding car. MeIneory retall- had its beginning back in 1941 ated by hiring a Piper Cub and fornia Institute of Technology inary test-runs have uncovered which symbolizes man's eternal world of sea-urchins, have prov when Henry McTheory began his dropping home-made bombs on held its first Alumni convention ed invaluable. Loday the blikcom Heights It should finally be mentioned monumental anthology of sex to racker Mouse, and une Wal Was Citadel, following their mass ar- that the laboratory's trademark, replace "Sexual on. alre or bavares. After three He installed floodlights in the rest which was occasioned by obviously a matter of deep im their post-commencement activi- resented somewhat of a weeks of gathering data in L.A., olanze sloves, and Ildiliballled d he ran out of money and went constant watch, while Bantam ties. problem at first Dr. Sansdick lo see .. emmson dones, did likewise. Egad! at first toyed with the idea toriously wealthy playboy, in an ronest Inolorisus were fired mother recently connoins the emblems of . At 019 to finance his book of upon, they either took to carry-turbed over the two-day absence thur Rank and M-G-M, to show ahowieuse ing their own guns or staying of her daughter, but everything slave striking a lion but this ofi the road. On July 3rd, " emington Jones was lnter 1943, was a right when the guie Wdo releclea as socialisue. and ested in McTheory's research in Mclneorv loaded six cars tull of turned with a Gideon Bible un- the staff devised one that matters up to the present time, his men and set out to kill Ban- por- aer ner arm trayed a three-toed sloth other than ouving a Iev tam in his own hideout The dant from a nicepiant. over the phone numbers, refused aid to gang rode around the ouiside of Placker House, machine-gunning Classified Ads motto "Multum in Parvo." In one word, everything has MeTheory. MeTheory left, swear- 1ng revenge anc in an auemou it until they had killed almost wable, lo be used by very fast operator been painstakingl worked to continue his research, and eat everyone inside, and then com- down to the last gonus, and, was forced into a life of pleted the destruction with ex- Elaine Monesmith felici lousty remarked at the ast. aoard crime that he has become no torious for. Animals "Had It"' of si orde meeting, childbirth will be bet ter than ever." How Naughty! Bantam, however, that day had gone out to the fruit farn McTheory moved into a din- com- gy hotel in the South Pasadena plete with artllery to Kill Mo Classified Ads area, notorious for its corrupt volucs, lls sectesatea women or leisure, its gamblers, and its gun-men. In Placker House, the ho- Ler, ARGE YOU MeTheory Decame Trienas with George Bantam, proprietor of the establishment. Bantam, who ran illegal cock fights on weekends, operated the as a conceal nerarious operacions. It nas veei that there never WANTED bY periments in ercor sald was tougher, more or lewder group of men or wom en unar has ever uved in racker House. Vice-Prexy Bantam nirea Merneory as col-lection man for the vice end of hte outfit. In his work MeTheo- clacually became accualnied with Bantam and the size of his operations. Big Fred Pinball ran the camoung concession and nad payoffs arranged in seven Western states. Bilious Hertenstein, reurea crass seed king. nac three thousand acres of marijuana un-der cultivation out in the desert. anus laulns, operatea a lank trucking outfit as front for ille-gal distilling plant used to un- aercu comoeuton in black Mar ket likker. Dangerous Don Lark Cadillac agencies Over calrornla, sime te ran? FOR GRADUATION GIFTS SEE WIN LYONS JEWELRY CO. 742 East Colorado Arre Stude Lampos SYcamore 3-2667 Students! Can you concentrate on your studies? If not, 10% DISCOUNT go athles rimo, evit, indirect y liber sty Study 59. 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