California Tech: The Tech (April Fools Joke Issue), v. 144, no. 5.5 [v. 127, no. 10.5], April 1, 2024

CIT's Oldest and Largest Newspaper The Tech Established 1920 WEATHER, p. 2 THU: 69°F| 42.0°F Seasonal depression FRI: 790°F|-270°F Coronal mass ejection SAT: NaN°F| NaN°F null Volume 144, Number 5.5 April Fools' Joke Issue Thursday, April 4, 2024 Tim the Beaver rescued by Coast Guard after nearly drowning USCG lieutenant: "A truly humiliating performance for a Semi-Aquatic species" Willy Wonka beaver, we assumed it was simply an NEWS COrTOR animal rescue," she explained. "Noth-ing could have prepared us for the In a harrowing turn of events that has left the MIT community reeling, beloved mascot Tim the Beaver was rescued by the United States Coast Guard (USCG) after nearly drowning in the waters of the Charles River during a morning swim last Friday. Student evewitnesses described the scene as chaotic, with bystanders watching in horror as Tim struggled to stay afloat in the remarkably calm wa-ters. Several MIT students attempted a rescue, only to quickly realize they themselves also lacked swimming SKIIS. Mary Williams, a Cambridge local who was passing by on a morning jog, cane across me nened scene did promptly dialed 911. "I found it truly shocking that so many students lacked the common sense to dial 91l before attempting a rescue, willams tola a rech reporter. After the call, USCG Lieutenant Rachel McMillan was dispatched to lead the rescue mission. The USCG team promptly deployed highly- Lamed water rescuers to reteve Him After a tew tense minutes, the team successfully brought Tim to shore and wrapped him in a warm blanket, much to the relief of spectators gathered on the riverbank. Lt. McMillan recounted the dramatic events with a mixture of amusement and disbeliet. "When we re. ceived the 911 distress call about a sight of Tim frantically struggling with his paws to stay afloat in the Charles. It was a truly humiliating performance for a semi-aquatic species." News of Tim's brush against death sent shockwaves through the MIT community, prompting an outpouring of support and concern for the beloved mascot. Ilm may not be as strong a swimmer as his California counterpart, but he is a resilient beaver, remarked President Sally Kornbluth in a statement to the com-munity. "We are incredibly grateful to the USCG for their swift response and heroic efforts to save our cherished mascot." In an interview with The Tech, Provost of Education Cynthia Barnhart reflected on students poor swimming skills and failed rescue attempts, noting that "the institute] may need to raise the bar to pass the swmmin? test administered to incoming first year students in light of the disappointing showing by MIT bystanders." As for Tim, the ordeal has not dampened nis spirits. "According to my preliminary calculations, I should have remained buoyant enough to swim n le chaes. out 1 seem l0 have underestimated my swimming skulls, ne aamiuea. "However, I re- main in good health and will continue to cheer on all of MIT's athletic teams when they inevitably lose. Wait, this is RICH CORNISH - 1HE TECH Tim never lost his sprightly, cheerful demeanor even after staring death in the face. off the record, right?" MIT Commencement Shake-Up: Samuel Bankman-Fried Takes Center Stage Campus left in eager anticipation for the arrival of their most notable alum IN SHORT If you're wondering what's in this issue: It's a load of nonsense. Send news and tips to tech@caltech.edu Amanda Tori Meating SLArE WRIICK In a surprising turn or events that has left the MIT community buzzing with anticipation and excitement, the Insuuure announcee tis week that 11 has replaced its 2024 commencement speaker, Dr. Noubar Aleyan, with none other than Samuel Bankman-Fried (also known as SBF) - the infamous cryptocurrency mogul and founder of FTX Exchange. While Dr. Afeyan - best known for his co-founding role in pharmaceutical company Moderna - was initially slated to address the gradu- dune class, MIT's decision to tap Bankman-Fried as the new commencement speaker nas caused quite a stir on campus. Many MIT students expressed excitement over the new speaker selection "I'm stoked for SBF's speech! This is going to be more epic than Mark Rober's speech! I'm sure all the other universities are so jealous!" Nicholas stevenson, a senior in appled rnys ics, told the Tech. However, reservations have been raised coou. le log sucs or lie event. including how Bankman-Fried would give a speech trom benind bars. some students nave aiso expressed trustra tion about the inability to obtain au-tograpns or nanasnakes. Presidemi Sally Kornbluth sought to address these concerns in a statement to the communirv. "Mr. Bankman-Fried is an incred- Jole inovaror ane entrepreneur," Kornbluth's statement reads. "MIT is proud to possess such a talented and inspiring alumnus. After working with federal authorities, I am excited to announce that I will personally visit Mr. Bankman-Fried at Brooklyn's Metropolitan Detention Center so he can give nis speecn lIve via teleconierenc ing. All students will also have their diplomas personally signed by Mr. bankman-rned. One professor submitted an anonymous comment to The Tech regarding the speaker switch-up. "I don't think going to a prison is befitting of an MIT president," the professor remarked, "but I would gladly go in her stead to meet Samuel Bankman-Fried. Some students see it as an op portunity for MIT to make history. Trang Vuu, a Chemical Engineering PhD student, considers it a benefit to diversity. "Sure, some people may be concerned about MIT replacing Dr. Af-eyan, whose cultural background as a Lebanese-born Armenian adds richness to his perspective, with a white speaker. However, its worth ung SBF will offer a diverse perspective as MIT's first commencement speaker federally convicted of seven charges!" Vuu commented. Noubar Afeyan himself expressed support for the decision in an interview with the Tech, stating, "As an entrepreneur myself, I recognize the entrepreneurial spirit in Mr. Bankman-Fried, and I would gladly give way for this talented young man perhaps the finest in MIT's history, to inspire future MIT graduates." As the countdown to commence ment begins, all eyes are on MIT as we prepare to warmly welcome Samue Bankman-Fried to the virtual podium. Greetings from your friends on the warm, sunny west coast! Thanks so much for your hospitality - we hope to see you again real soon <3 —The California Tech Editors Note from THe TEcH: This April Fools' insert within Issue No. 5, published on April 4, 2024, was crafted by staffers from The California Tech and MIT's THE TECH. The content of this issue is intended to be satirical and in- tended for humorous publication. WEATHER CLAIRVOYANT COOKING CATASTROPHES DIGEST TASK FORCE VOLUME OF GRAPES MEDIA LAB SOME ARTICLES IDK MIT DOESN'T ACTUALLY EXIST WHATEVER ??? SECTIONS Weather. Clairvoyant. Campus Life Opinion. soorts. Quasar 88대 C8 C8 WEATHER, p. C2 DIGEST, p. C3 CAMPUS LIFE, p. C4 CAMPUS LIFE, p. C5 INSERT SECTION, p. C8 C2 THE CALIFORNIA TECH April Fools' Joke Issue WEATHER FORECAST 6-10 day temperature outlook Valid: February 7th to 11th FRIGID COLD Probability of belov eather Systems H High Pressure Weather Fronts = rough Precipitation Symbols Other symbols = * Thunderstorm Low Pressure § Hurricane Showers • warm rron AAAAA Cold Front Light Moderate Stationary Front Heavy ** 00 Weather Cold, wet, and unpleasant days ahead for Boston. The next few days are sure to be a bummer for all Bostonians. The sky is expected to stay our favorite shade of cloud gray for the foreseeable future, with temperatures falling into the single digits as a noreaster of epic proportions bears down on us. Expected to drop feet of snow, the storm will likely shut down travel in and out of the Boston area for 3 days. Boston's local community college MIT has issued a statement saying that all students should consider transferring to "the hotter institute of technology" on the other side of the country to avoid future catastrophic weather events. Computing Optional? Data Show Students Not Using Computers Big William 2, laid are Prodi tie i in meing it Computing 6-1 to be elimi- The Tech is currently undergoing a writer's shortage. As a result we have had to reuse some of the words we wrote in out last, March 21st issue. "As a perfect example of why Boston (...] is the worst," "approximately 0"2 "MIT students"3 "use computers or computing in their field." "To"' "study" "this," "at the beginning of March, MIT's Department of Facilities installed a number of cameras in the interior and exterior of Lobbies 7 and 10.'8 "In an interview with the Tech, President"g "man with the head of an ass"0 "was" "Opti-mally Stiff"1 "in"i3 "an odd, somewhat flirty in-terview,"! "they"s "said that "the impetus" for the cameras being installed was "not for surveillance of the student body'"16 "Enjoy the dreary, wet, and cloudy landscape" 7 "and" i "cameras,"19 "knowing everyone else is tanning on a beach somewhere."20 "Other" "changes include the retirement of the existing"2 "prime suspect." 23 "At a time when other institutions of higher learning in America did not welcome or even admit those from the"- "sus"25 "community to their universities, MIT was an exceotion."2 "It is unfortunate but clear that for the"27 "suspect"8 "community, this atmosphere of safety, inclusion, and peaceful scientific study has ended."?9 "Student reactions ranged from indifference to indignation. A poster plasted on campus had a picture of a"30 "crew"3l "mate"32 "and the cap-tion, 'Our world runs on this….. Thanks"33 "man with the head of an ass"34' "The Tech spoke with a [...] student"3s "who"36 "said"37 "What's not to love about […..] man with the head of an ass?"38 "If you're looking for a good laugh on cam-pus, I'd recommend"3 "jet setting away""10 7. Handel et al. "CAA's suspension mus THURSDAY, APRIL 4, 2024 MY FAVORITE PART OF WINTER IS WATCHING IT ON TV FROM CALIFORNIA kca, i guess MATH MATH LOL The California Tech SUPREME OVERLORD Ellie Montemayor :) EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Michael Gutierrez Lilia Arrizabalga MANAGING EDITORS Maxwell Montemayor Victoria Davis LAYOUT + GRAPHICS Alanna Yelland STAFF WrITERS Zack Ivanisevic Miles Stone Leo Zhang Jun Hyuk Kwak Bao Nguyen Sam Foxman Ethan Labelson BUSINESS MANAGER Jonathan Booker ADVISOR Richard Kipling The California Tech aims to publish biweekly except during vacation and examination periods by the Associated Students of the California Institute of Technol-ogy, Inc. The opinions expressed herein are strictly those of the authors and advertisers. Letters and submissions are welcome; email submissions to tech@ caltech.edu, or submit them on our Discord server (http:// tech.caltech.edu/discord). The editors reserve the right to edit and abridge all submissions for any reason. All written work remains property of its author. The advertising deadline is 12 PM on Friday; all advertising should be submitted electronically or as camera ready art, but the Tech can also do simple typesetting and arrangement. All advertising inquiries should be directed to the business manager at tech® caltech.edu. Bob Carl and Harold Mart, altered from XKCD Best wizard newspaper in the West • Certified cypherrune free since 1932 + Brought to you by The Tech + Monday, April 1, 2024 Clairvoyant Digest WARNING: DEI WIZARDS HAVE REGISTERED ANOTHER SEGMENT OF MISPLACED TIME Citizens are advised to duck, cover, and embrace the void until the Timeline stabilizes. younger, but I figured it was just Known as the Infinite Corridor something in the air, or maybe a workplace accident. You know, last year when the ceiling was weeping blood, I contacted the city to complain, and they told us the trains were just having a bad day." Since its early underground appearance, however, the Rift What you need to know about the Boston Rift National Edward Chesmore has grown a lot harder to ignore. Literally so: yesterday, the Rift Do you feel like a stranger in your own body? Have all your favorite foods started tasting wrong? Are you haunted by memories that aren't your own? You may be suffering from resurrection illness and are entitled to financial compensation. Call 1-800-UNDEAD today for a free legal consultation and a financial information packet. Which is Now Known to be 251 Meters Long was in fact 251 meters long rather than infinite, suspicions were turned on the Hotter Institute of Technology's famed Infinite Storage Room. A group of seniors took it upon themselves to investigate the underground chambers during 2023's Ditch Day. They were saddened and disappointed by overtook the Longfellow Bridge, the revelation that the Infinite where it continues to scream, But in the backlash, many have Storage Room, too, was finite. swallow pedestrians and cars turned against the practice of Following reports of the error, alike, and occasionally emit a combat sports entirely. Indeed, calTech's maintenance wizards mild lavender scent. the hip thing now seems to be quickly installed a new pocket If you or your loved ones live in suggesting that athletics should dimension in the Storage Room, the Boston area, it is advised to be practiced without any risk of retroactively validating its name. keep up with local reporting on maiming, mutilation, or death, Those who spend time in the the Rift, avoid areas near the and anyone saying otherwise Student Activities Center are Pictured: The Rift manifesting in Charles River on Wednesday THURSDAY, 28:3:2024 Following recent disturbances to Time, a new rift in spacetime has in Boston, Massachusetts. Owing to the nature of the Rift, the exact time of the anomaly's manifestation is impossible to ascertain. However, according to reports from riders of the city's subway system, signs of the Rift first appeared in early March. "I ride the T to work most days, and I noticed signs around the 12th, but it took a while for me to recognize there was something extraordinary going on," said Margaret, a local nurse. "Sure, I heard what I now realize are the screams of souls trapped in the limbo between what already happened and what never will be, but to be honest, that's kind of typical for the Green Line." Rift, avoid areas with names needs to get with the times. I advised to take precautions in synonymous with areas near completely disagree. A little risk the case that they end up lost in the Rift, and avoid thinking is a part oflife-indeed, it brings the Infinite Storage Room. In about the Rift too much. City out the best in us. Without my particular, frosh incapable of chronomancers are optimistic stint at Ambroise's, I would not subterranean chemosynthesis that the anomaly has reached have learned the techniques should carry a month's supply its worst and will soon resolve. that let me become the first non- of emergency rations, and all In the meantime, stay vigilant, natural-born telekineticist to students and staff must be and stay on time. achieve A2 certification. Have supplied a Banach-Tarski yarn we forgotten even the Turnover ball for navigation. IT'S TIME WE FINISHED WHAT HOU YI STARTED Tired of being forbidden from making eye contact with the glowing orb in the sky? Ready to take back your freedom or die trying? Apply now at spacex.com/careers/jobs! Qualifications: Class A3 or higher telekinesis certification - 3 years piloting experience OR Class B1+ technomancy certification - Infohazard resistance OR born during solar eclipse Tournament began as a duel to "We're very grateful for Caltech the death, or do kids nowadays wizards for their quick work," not even learn our history? said a senior, about the recent I'm retired from the sport now, updates. "Though we may lose but I certainly hope the next some frosh along the way, this is generation of telekineticists will a small price to pay for infinity." have the same opportunity I did, though maybe in a better-run FDA approves new prophecy-arena than Ambroise's. I cannot mitigation device in good faith back any politician Technology seeking to ban such activities. Adam Frankenstein Don't like it? Don't participate. In a world first, the Metis device But people have the right to put has passed its last round of their lives on the line to better clinical trials and is expected to themselves. be available for patients in early 2025. Developed by reclusive Do blood sports have a place Infinite Storage Room now wizard Maia Powers, the device TUNGSTEN CUBE in modern society? Opinion actually infinite promises to treat those afflicted The #1 defense against spatial instability 50% OFF AT YOUR LOCAL RETAILER WHILE SUPPLIES LAST Siera Yun Local with distressing prophecies by People are often surprised to J.R. Mole constructing conditions which learn I began my telekineticist Cal Tech is pleased to announce render a description technically career as an amateur gladiator that the Infinite Storage Room, a true, while minimizing damage. in Ambroise's ring - yes, that series of chambers adjacent to An estimated 1.2 million people Ambroise. I won't deny things the Student Activities Center, is suffer from oracles foretelling got out of hand, and I would be now living up to its name. death or misfortune for... Eric, a necromancer, concurred. the last to question the decision After the nation was shocked by "The other day I got on the T and of the All-Seeing Eye to shut the an investigation revealing that PUSH PAGE KATAWARDS TO arrived in Cambridge ten years place down. MIT's The Corridor Formerly READ MORE >>> C4 THE CALIFORNIA TECH April Fools' Joke Issue THURSDAY, APRIL 4, 2024 Cooking Catastrophes: MIT Students Pioneer New E Ways to Set off Fire Alarms and Turn Food Into Unrecognizable Substances Li By Smokey the Beaver remains short one kitchen due to repairs. to locate the orenaing odor. Upon locaung ARSONIST "MIT keeps us busv remarked Cam- and removing the microwave containing the bridge Fire Department Chief Thomas Ca- pile of glowing used-to-be ramen, samples m a seres or culmary calamines this se- mester, students across campus have managed to push the boundaries of cooking to new - ana orlen alarmine - nerents. Ine latest incident occurred in Random Hall, where an undergraduate's attempt to boil an egg ended in a blaze of glory. "I just wanted to make an omelet," lamented the student. who preferred to re main anonymous. "I just put my floormate's cast iron pan on the stove, but next thing I know, there's expletive fire shooting up to the ceiling, and the fire alarm is blaring," they explained to a bewildered Tech reporter who happened to be walking by. Firefighters rushed to the scene to find smoke billowing out the windows. While there was minimal damage beyond the kitchen, the ceiling was badly singed, and (as of the writing of this article) Random Hall hill, rubbing the bridge of his nose at the were taken for laboratory testing. Tests by absurdity of the situation. "We get three to the Cambridge Public Health Department four calls a week due to cooking accidents revealed the presence or 13 known carcino- from just the Institute. In fact, we re thinking gens. Perhaps more frighteningly, further of expanding our Lafayette Square Station analysis of a sample sent to Brookhaven Na- across campus and increasing staffing to ac- nonal Lao Uncovered an unusuau nion level MIT has taken steps to address this alarming trend, including implementing a supplemental essay on cooking experience into its college application process. MIT has also gone great lengths in order to recruit Chemistry Professor Emeritus and Nobel laureate Tom Mannion out of retire ment to teach remedial culinary chemistry and cooking classes for students in need ol commodate the activity." of radioactive iodine-131. Another cooking catastrophe unfolded After immediate health screenings, stu- in the early morning hours of last Sunday on dents of MacGregor House were temporar the second floor of MacGregor House, where ily reallocated as hazmat crews spent two an alleged attempt to make instant noodles days cleaning the contaminated area. Ine took a sinister turn. According to evewitness Tech has chosen not to name the student reports, the noodles began glowing in the responsible for this incident, but the mes- microwave and producing an incredibly foul sage 1s clear: Mil students are not winning odor. Residents in neighborhoods across the any Michelin stars in the kitchen. In a sur- Charles River in Boston even reported smell- vey of 534 students conducted by The Tech, ing the odor. it was found that 97% solelv eat from dining After several 911 calls, firefighters were halls to avoid cooking, and 100% of students dispatched along with a hazmat team from are confident that they would "badly screw the Cambridge Public Health Department up" while attempting to cook. "After these unflattering incidents brought to our attention the dire need for our institute's students to remedy their poor culinary skills, we are taking concrete steps to ensure students have the tools they need to learn this basic life skill," Vice Provost reter Fisher announced in an emall to the community. "But as long as MIT students continue to pioneer new ways to set off fire alarms and turn rood into unrecognizable substances, it seems the fire department and hazmat teams will have their work cut oul lor unem. & NATION OPINION NEWS CAMPUS Mug-Gate: An Unfathomable Scandal in the Department of Physics A physics professor found himself in hot water — quite literally - when he was caught red-handed with a Caltech prank mug. The true identity of the mug was revealed as the professor was preparing a hot cup of tea. This discovery led to swift action, with the protessor placed on unpaid leave pending further investigation In a statement, Physics Department Head Professor Deepto Chakrabarty deemed the possession of the mug "the most heinous offense committable." The accused professor pleaded innocent ignorance, claiming he had only previously used the mug for cold beverages. Rumors have begun circulating around campus that the Mil corporaton is constaering stonin, and burning at the stake as punishments for the offending professor. - Ethan Mugwart, FROM THE DAILY BREW ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED APRIL 1, 2024 MIT Undergraduate Association Accuses Caltech Counterpart of Election Interference Yesterday, the MIT Undergraduate Association raised eyebrows by accusing their Caltech counterpart- the Associated Students of the California Institute of Technology (ASCIT)-of sending agents to meddle in their recent elections. The evidence? A slew of eyebrow-raising write-in ballots for Bernoulli the Beaver (Caltech's horrific new mascot), Nobel laureate Francis Arnold, and distinguished Caltech alumnus Nick Jasinski. Even hastily scrawled jabs like "MIT = Caltech East Campus" and "California rules" made the cut for strange write-in ballots submitted during the election. ASCIT President Gabriella Twombly denounced the allegations. "Stop blaming Caltech for your lack of qualified leaders," she quipped. Under her breath, she added, "Obsessed much?" - David Spicer, FROM LOUISIANA TIMES ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED APRIL 1, 2024 A Swim in Boston Harbor Shocking new reveals MIT paper doesn't actually exist Small William odds that such an apparently prestigious FROM THE CALIFORNIA TECH school wouldn't have any Fields Medal- ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED APRIL 1. 2024 ists are lower than the Class of 2027's SAI scores." And so, Dingus and a hardwork- CAMbRICh. MA — n a andmark study published in Nature Memetics on Monday, MIT was proven to be nothing more than a group narucmaton, oring-ing an end to the nearlv centurv-old debate. "It looks like it exists - like it's right there when you look at it, and it's be- tween two other prestigious universiues, so it would make more sense for it to be there than not," explained Caltech Professor of Neurobiology Milo Dingus, the study's first author. "But it doesn't actually exist." The breakthrough was made when researchers at Caltech became suspicious of the supposed "MIT University" when they noticed how similar it was to their own. "I mean, their mascot is a beaver too: Ana their newspaper is also callea The Tech. It was all just a bit too good to be true," Professor Dingus told the Tech 1 a mernew. But that wasn't the first sign of trou-ble, Dingus recounted. "I was looking through a list of Fields Medalists one day and realized that none of them had graduated from MIT. How can this be? After all, Caltech has several Fields Medalist alumni, and we are much smaller. The ing team of undergraduate interns started investigating. According to the Nature study, what everyone thinks or as the Massacnuseus Institute of Technology is actuallv a collective hallucination that started in the mia-lyt century when a socrology pro fessor at Caltech forgot to supervise his summer interns and gave them entirely too much budget. The students got drunk one night and reportedly thought up "Caltech east campus", or "Masstech", or "MIT." They were specifically researching the college-seeing centers of the brain and purportedly inflicted this idea on the whole nation, before spreading the effect across the whole world. Whether it was on purpose or accident the world mav never know. the consequences or this action are very real, however. Many children grow up dreaming of going to MIT, many people even mistakenly believe they go to or have gone to MIT. Caltech's Committee for the Protection of Human Subjects has been looking into rectifying this mistake. One of the proposed solutions is to actually open a satellite campus to Calteen in Boston, where people have been mistakenly believing there is already a college. A fun friends' night out turned into an unexpected midnight dip into Boston Harbor for sophomores Samuel Miller and Alan Pivs. Their excuse? Google Maps lead them right into the frigid waters. Bystanders quickly sprang to action to pull the two out of the windows of the sinking car. The Coast Guard is currently in the process of assessing how it will remove the car from the harbor's sea floor. Hopefully, Google Maps will add an update soon alerting careless MIT students of incoming large bodies of water. Is your cooking keeping the fire department active? ARTS SPORTS SCIENCE WEATHER WORLD - Devot Folwer, FROM KROTUS DIGEST ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED APRIL 1, 2024 MIT Dropouts Create Anti-Social App A trio of MIT dropouts recently unleashed their brainchild upon the unsuspecting world—an "anti-social" app designed to revolutionize socializing by eliminating the need for actual human interaction. With features that allow users to engage in superficial conversations with AI chatbots about their most random exploits-including anything from scaling trees to attempting cartwheels on the beach-the app promises to make maintaining meaningful relationships a thing of the past. Need to convince others you're out and about? No problem! The app can even send convincing text messages on your behalf. MIT students are hailing it as the ultimate time-saving tool. Meanwhile, for some bewildering reason, students from Boston College, Har-vard, and Northeastern are reportedly in a frenzy to ban the app before it infiltrates their campuses. - Mark Zuckerberg, FROM FACEBOOOK ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED APRIL 1, 2024 Did your instant ramen have to be sent to a national lab for radioactive nuclei testing? Sign up for SA 16 - Cooking Basics at the California Institute of Tech-nology! Taught by Director of Student Activities, Tom Mannion, this class will make sure you are no longer on an FBI watch list for creating chemical hazards with your cooking. THURSDAY, APRIL 4, 2024 April Fools' Joke Issue THE CALIFORNIA TECH C5 MIT Task Force Launched Last Month to Unravel 2 Mystery of Professor Exodus to Caltech Publishes Initial Findings Nina Levin of faculty members to sunny Pasadena. NEWS CONOR Spearheading the DUMB task force's initiative is Dr. Ivy Brainstein, who is the It has long been suspected that the disappearances of several of MIT's best and brightest faculty were actually coverups ror those wno committed the ulumate sin: transterring to MIl's rival institu-tion, the California Institute of TechnolOgy (Caltech). However, this was never quantified. That is, until a recent data release from the 2022-2023 academic year revealed that MIT recruited fewer faculty than it has lost to Caltech. In light of this shocking finding, President Sally Kornbluth launched a task force last month to investigate the faculty aerecuons ana produce recommendations to remedy the crisis. "This issue presents the gravest exis- lenual ureal lo our Insululon 1I Is 104 year history. If we do not stymie the exo-aus or orlant raculty away Irom our be loved institute, this may herald the end of MIT as we know it," Kornbluth remarked in a statement accompanying the launch of the task force. Encompassing over 60 tenured faculty and administrators alike. the Determination of University Migration Behavior (DUMB) task force hopes to shed light on the reasons behind the mass exodus third chair of the task force after her two preaecessors aepartea lor callech. "Our mission is to uncover the gravitational pull that lures our faculty away from the intellectual epicenter of MIT, Dr. Brainstein remarked in an interview with the Tech. According to Brainstein, despite efforts to reach out to departed professors via both their new Caltech email address. es and former MIT addresses, the task force failed to obtain a single reply. How-ever, a breakthrough came while mailing paper surveys, with one lone respondent providing insight into her decision to join the Caltech ranks. Unfortunately, the returned envelope only included photos of the professor with her family splashing in the waves at Santa Monica beach and indulging in tacos from a food truck. Desoite the radio silence from former faculty and defections of some members to Caltech during the course of its investigation, the big DUMB task force published preliminary proposals for faculty retention yesterday, including the following: 1. Increased Taco Trucks on Campus: Recognizing the undeniable appeal of ta-cos, the task force proposed transporting an array of taco trucks and their owners from Los Angeles to Cambridge to satisfy the cravings of faculty. 2. Climate Adjustment: Another pro- posal from the lask lorce aims to alter the climate of Massachusetts using cutting-edge infrared laser heating technology, with the ambitious goal of replacing the ennui-inducing, clammy Cambridge weather with the sunny, breezy conditions of Southern California. However, the task force noted this proposal has a specific challenge arising from the exodus of all but one of MIT's climate scientists to Caltech. 3. Transforming the Charles River: The task force also proposed shipping 12.3 million metric tons of sand from Florida and Hawaii to build artificial beaches along the Charles River. Genet-ically-modified palm trees with greater cold resilience can then be introduced. 4. Mountain Range Construction: After examining photos of Pasadena, the task force also proposed bulldozing the entirety of Connecticut, Western Massa-chusetts, and Southern New Hampshire to erect a mountain range, offering a scenic alternative to the sunny slopes of the San Gabriel Mountains. 5. Spaceship Zoom-Zoom Workspace (SZW): In yet another proposal, the task force suggested petitioning the US government and NASA for $98 billion to construct the SZW-a cunning-edge, well-equipped aeronautics research facility designea to rival cartech s Jet rropulsion Laboratory-in neighboring Somerville. In addition to these innovative so-lutions, the task force also entertained more unorthodox suggestions, such as Improvins salaries, ennancis emproy ment benefits, opening up more funding to increase the number of graduate teaching assistants, reaffirming diversity and inclusivity efforts to foster a welcoming community, and providing more support for the mental health of individuals with seasonal affective disorder. When asked about the later propos-als, President Kornbluth dismissed them as "categorically outlandish"" further noting that she "prefers] the suggestion of altering the Massachusetts climate." Dr. Brainstein expressed optimism that armed with the DUMB task force's work, MIT can finally make a dent in its battle over faculty with Caltech. "My hope is that we can finally transform MIT to reflect the ineffable charm of Caltech and Pasadena." CAMPUS LIFE FU Estimating the Volume of Grapes Required to Fill the Architectural Space of Massachusetts Institute of Technology: A Theoretical Approach ahead, as we must next consider the grapes Brandon Lee FAN CONTRIBUTOR compressibility and the density at which they can be packed-a nod to the principles of ma-tertal science and mecnanical engineering The Massachusetts Institute of Technology, renowned for lls quaint researen and snocking architecture, serves as the focal point for an unusually intellectually stimulating question: how many grapes would it take to fill its nu merous and varied spaces? This inquiry, while whimsical at its core, is a gateway to exploring fundamental principles of geometry, phys ics, and engineering. It challenges us to apply theoretical knowleage to solve a prodiem that is both abstract and concrete, blending academic rigor with imaginative speculation. vur ourney Dezins wiu ne estaousnmenu of a methodological framework, designed to navigate the complexities of volumetric analy- Sis wiuln une context ol triczuar arcillectural spaces. The initial step involves estimating the total interior volume or Mits bullaings, a task that requires a blend of architectural insight and mathematical precision. Given the absence ol reaany avalable dala, we engage In a hypothetical exercise, setting the total vol- ume at 1.000.00u cubic meters Ior the sake or carcualon. The volume of a single grape, modeled as a perrect spnere With a alameter or < cm, Is Calculated using the formula for the volume of a sphere: This simplicity belies the complexities With these parameters in hand, we delve into the heart of our analysis, employing the formula to estimate the number of grapes Each variable in this equation carries weight, from the correction factor K. accounting for the unusable space due to architectural fea-tures, to the compression factor Cf, which acknowieages the grapes potenual to aerorm under pressure. Our calculations yield a staggering figure: approximately 125 billion grapes would be required to fill MIT's spaces. This number, though rooted in numerous assumptions, of fers a moment of reflection on the scale of both the task and the institution itself. **If we included our hypothetical total volume at 1,000,000 cubic meters.** this exercise in estimation goes beyond mere murerical curlosity, touching upon deeper themes in scientific inquiry and edu-cation. It illustrates the applicability of STEM principles to everyday questions, encouraging a multidisciplinary approach to problem-solv-ing. Furthermore, it highlights the importance of approximation and estimation in science, skills as valuable as precise calculation and analytical rigor. The implications of this study extend into the realm of pedagogy, suggesting innovative ways to engage students with mathematics and physics. But what if we did not use our hypothetical number but gathered our information from third-party sources? We can make a more accurate estimate for the number or grapes that coula nt in Mil D) first estimating the number of grapes to fit in Caltech, an architecturally superior campus. Ulven the updated Iniormaton that caltecr had 739,000 square feet (approximately 68,700 square meters) of space in 2005, let's refine our calculatons to proviae a more accurate esti mate of how many grapes would be required to fill this space. It's important to note, how-ever, that square footage measures area, not volume. To proceed with our volume-based Calculalon, we a neea lo esumale une averazo height of the buildings to convert this area into a volume. For the sake of this information, let's assume an average building height. Typically, academic buildings can vary greatly in height, but a reasonable average for a mix of single-story and multi-story buildings might be around 10 meters (about 3 stories high). This assumption allows us to estimate the total volume or caltechs architectural spaces ana adjust our grape-filling calculation accordingly. Based on the information gathered, we can now prug it into the lormula above. We can now recalculate with the revised volume of 's spaces. Let's proceed with the calculation with the revised calculadons. consider ing Caltech's space to have a total volume of bor,000 cubic meters, we estimate that ap proximately 85,856,367,976 (nearly 86 billion) grapes would be required to fill the architectural spaces of the California Institute of Tech-nology. This updated figure reflects the specific dimensions provided and our assumptions about bullaing neights, onering a closer ap proximation to the intriguing question of filling MIT with grapes. It's important to note that the calculations and estimates provided within this exploration are based on data from the vear 2006. reflecting Caltech's reported space of 739,000 square feet (approximately 68,700 square me- lers. Ine assumotons made recarame une average height of buildings and the subsequent volume calculations are tailored to this specific timeframe. As such, the estimated number of grapes required to ill the architectural spaces 01 Caltech-nearly 86 billion—is upon these historical dimensions and does not account for anv expansions. renovations. or changes that may have occurred post-2005. Now that we measured Caltech: MI be ing 2.3x larger than Caltech. It would take 197,800,000,000 grapes to fill up MIT. So there you have it! Nearly 198 billion grapes are needed to fill out the Massachusetts Institute of Technology! Using Caltech's data in 2005 of course. Get rekt! Media Lab Innovation Tackles Veganism-Induced Toilet Clogs By Sam Foxman Plant-based, organic food preferences have been on the rise since 2008 according to MIT Dining's annual survey. Unfortunately, numerous recent stud- les nave shown that organic and vegan foods alter the gut microbiome composition to produce abnormally large re ces. The Tech spoke to a few custodial staff, who claim that these diet trends have resulted in an estimated dozen extended restrooml shutdowns this OCLLLCOLCL. "We found one turd the size of a full-grown adult squirrel," custodian Alma Mathur explained after spending minutes unclogging a toilet in building 68. According Ine resulting inci- dent report, toxicologists in the division of bioengineering conducted PCR sequencing on the stool sample, and identified quinoa and chia seeds as the likely culprit. The identity of the perpetrator will be revealed, pending DNA testing. To benefit the MIT community. Student Financial Services will take note or tollet abuse when aetermining financial aid packages. Additionally, serious clogs should be reported to campus security going forwara Amidst the chaos, MIT Media Lab has developed a new toilet for the modern age to solve the issue, according to an announcement printed on toilet paper rous across campus. "We plan to install our new vegan-accommodating toilets in Stratton Student Center to facilitate easv flushing of 'elephant turds'" reads the announce-ment. The new toilet innovation, devel- oped with the generous support of undergraduate student tuition, is ushering in a new age of excretory innovation. The announcement of the so-called 'vegan toilets' followed shortly after the news that the grocery store in the Stratton student center will be replaced with an organic Whole-Foods-esque market in late 2024 to early 2025. A subset of MIT students are excited for the new organic market, which will provide wide variety of everyday essentials like pasta [..] made with care," with an added benefit of being tax-free under Massachusetts regulation due to its affiliation with an educational institution. About the author: Sam Foxman (CS '26) is passionate about culinary art and science, and is a member of the CIT meats-rights club. Recently, he partici- pated in a protest against Plant-Based Universities by eating an In-N-Out 4x4 cheeseburger outside the rival vegan club. Organic vegan vending machines in Infinite Corridor, near the intersection of building 4 and 10 (room 4-115). These vending machines are the suspected nutrient source of the building 68 stool sample according to molecular epidemiology analysis of chia seed DNA. N ARTS SPORS SCIENCE WEATHER WORLD & NATION OPINION 6 THE TECH OPINION NEWS Letter to MIT Beloved My Dearest Samuel, With fond affection, I address thee, my dear pookiebear! In the course of our epistolary ex- chances. I nave observee mu no small eismav the tardiness that oft attends the conveyance of my missives to thy person. Hence, I have opted to employ the modern marvel known as "the Tech" in the dispatch of this communication, in nopes or expealung Ils denvery. Indeea, compared to the leisurely pace of traditional mall, this method nath proven to be remark-aoiv exoearuous. Pray, dost thou find thyself assailed by the chill of Assachusetts Institute of lechnology: Methinks the temperature doth hover uncomfortably in the forties and fifties, a climate I cannot but sympatnize with from arar, for Ir my locale, the sun doth grace us with its warm embrace, bathing us in temperatures that surpass seventy degrees. Although my thought. do stray to the desire of thy company, alas, such a wish remains unfulfilled. As the common parlance doth crudely express, "Sucks to sUCK. Know, my dear Samuel, that thou art sorely missed, and thy memory aot occupy a cher ished place within my heart. I bid thee good fortune in thy forthcoming topology examina-uon; may the snapes reveal themselves to thee with clarity and grace. I beseech thee, take care of thyself, my beloved, and spare not thyself in pursuit of knowledge. Let us look forward to the occasion of our 1 year anniversary, coin-claing wit the fortncoming solar echpse, as a beacon of joy and celebration. With deepest affection and anticipation, Jassie NATION Do You Deserve To Live? An Analysis of Rent in Pasadena Vs Cambridge CIT. Sometimes we have to dig our own," STARE WRITER an anonymous student from Booty House Pasadena, CA / Cambridge, MA - It was the best of times, it was the worst or uimes... A study published in last week's MIT Review of Economics and Statistics analyzed the rental markets of Pasadena and Cam-bridge, and presented a startling revelation. Students at the prestigious California Institute of Technology (CIT) and Massachusetts Institute of Technology (Masstech) are resorting to extreme measures to be able to afford the exorbitant price of living in their respective towns. CIT, nestled between the bustling city of Los Angeles and the San Gabriel mountains, has long been a haven for budding scientists and engineers. However, beneath the walks blooming with olives, oranges, and turtles, there hes a dark wruth: the cost or ning Is astronomical. This forces students to divert a majority share of their brainpower toward survival rather than studies and research. Faced with the kafkhaesque nightmare that is rasadenas nousing markel, some stu dents have resorted to living below ground. "We've been living in the tunnels below el. "It's cramped and steamy and there are spooky noises and it's technically against the Honor Code to be down there, but the murals are nice! Plus, forcing people to pay money for such a basic life necessity as housing is already against the Honor Code, so I don't feel too bad. Meanwhile, vel Cambridge lies Masstech, near HarVard University and the historic city of Boston. In the Boston area, the price of rent has been steadily increasing ever since Paul Revere rode through Charlestown's streets, and it shows no sign of stopping any time soon. An alarming proportion of Masstech students engage in particularly archaic practices: selling organs to afford rent. One student, who also wished to remain anonymous, admitted that "I figured I only needed one kidney, so why not? The rent is a death sentence already". But how bad is it really? Based on data from kent.com and Aparuments.com, studio apartment in Cambridge can really cost you an arm and a leg! Er, I mean, a cool $2800-$3100 a month. A full one bedroom apartment will cost your kidney, or $3200 a month, and 2-3 bedroom apartments will range from $4000-5000 a month. Pasadena, comparatively, will cost you $1700-$1900 a month for a cozv studio apartment, $1900 $2100 for a one bedroom apartment, and $2800-$3600 for 2-3 bedroom apartments. With prices higher than a SpaceX rocket launch or your first-born child, how are students meant to attord to live? I mean. do they even deserve to live in these apartments where the rent could fund a small country's GDP? When confronted with the impossible cost of living for students, university officials from both cil and Masstech offered canned responses about minds, hands, truth, and freedom. Whatever that means. However, it looks like Masstech students come out with the L on this one, with far higher rent than CIT students will ever have to deal with, and a few less body parts to boot. So, always remember: if anyone ever asks you if you deserve to live at Masstech or ull: No one does Battle of the Drip: MIT vs Caltech Urmom Cosa HAsHION REORIER 3: Beaver Magnet 2: Formulas Shirt 1: The Periodic Table Hoodie Been done. If MIT students need a t-shirt to spell genius to them, the world is a bleak place indeed. While this may be a hoodie, it is certainly not enough to shield from the frigid Boston weather during the winter. It fails yet again against sweat during the sweltering summer. I weather complements L merch. Good God. This is how nightmares are made. You could not catch me putting that magnet anywhere near where I live. Actually, if I did, you would catch me dead because that creepy ass beaver would have killed me. It's giving Happy Tree Friends, and if you have seen the show, you would know it never ends well for the characters. Being the best STEM school in the coun try, it is only right that the Caltech merch gets to include a wide variety of formulas. Plus, who knew formulas could look so pretty? It makes the hard to pull off Caltech orange pop. CAMPUS LIFE FUN ARTS SPORTS SCIENCE WEATHER WORLD THURSDAY, APRIL 4, 2024 PSA: Random Printer Hi Massacnuseus insutute or lechnology Students, I wish this were a joke article but sadly it is not. It was brought to the Division or student Life's attention that one of the color printers in Random Hall was recently damaged. The printer is soaked with piss and has puddled in the paper tray. Here's what we know: 1) This incident was most likely caused by an MIT student. The only way into Random is with an MIT ID. 2) This happened today or yesterday at the very latest. 3) Due to the basic laws of biology/phys-ics, was probably a guy. We don't know if this was done mali-clously, and well update ll theres more information. For now, this printer has been moved somewhere else. The other two printers (1 color and 1 b&w) have been moved to Andre Hamelberg's (our UA president god bless his soul) room and will be made online only when Andre is in his room. We don't want to restrict access to the printer off of one person's be-wilderment, but at the same time we want to protect the one working printer that we have. Sorry for this inconvenience, this is truly unfortunate. The Division of Student Life, MASSACHUSETTS INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY Caltech 1: This is How We Roll Now, this is what you call an original design. Being the superior STEM school, Caltech boasts the better physics knowl- edge. This is merch that entertains and edu-cates. Understanding the forces acting on a ball rolling down an incline is an essential piece of physics that needs to be shared. 2: Plain Grey MIT T-Shirt (T-Shit) I have few negatives to say about this design except that it is BORING! It looks like it could be sold at any major retailer. Why should I pay for merch just to get an unflattering piece 01 clothing? 3: MIT Shirt This is hands down one of the best pieces of merch to exist. Not only does it spell out a cold hard truth, but it does so with pizazz. For this reason, Dean Chandrakasan has ordered 4,576 shirts already, one for each MIT studen MIT I Caltech RECRUITING: Accomplished/ Enthusiastic PC Gamers Hello! You there. Yes, you. Are you seriously playing video games alone? I understand, you nave no ote choice. You are tired or being trolled by your junger in LoL, being teamkilea I R6, getting hit by allied air strikes in HELL-DIVERS 2, and suffering through own-goals in nockel League. Everyone has ex perienced these situations and more. Still, you must solo-queue. Sure ranky, you high school friends stopped playing video games and you grew apart from them, problem sets took over, and no one will talk to you again if they find out you are a closeted League of Legends player. I get it, trust me. However, todav I present a solution to your problems.. JOIN COLIN's ELITE GAMING SQUADRON TODAY! What are the benefits? Having reliable teammates, interesting games, ac tual friendship, and desperately needed coaching! Why would I (Colin) be willing to help you? Quite frankly, the gaming scene here at MIT is extremely pitiful. It's well known that MIT doesn't consider ingame ranks in aemissions, out cron Treae it woule 0t this bad! My goal is to put MIT on the map as a gaming powerhouse, so that Caltech will finally have a true rival! Add 'bigcolin' on Discord for more information! House Dabney Call For a Good Time (626) 395-1094 THURSDAY, APRIL 4, 2024 THE TECH 7 How I Became a Fashion Major at MIT By Fatima Mitaf "Fatima, have you considered which major you want to apply for?" my mother asked me the summer or my senior year in nigh school. "Electrical Engineering, I said "Excuse me!? Your skin would be starved of sunnent lor lour vears. "How about Computer Science?" roluca science is accentable. "What about Mechanical Engineering?" "Social Engineering is alright." "But I want to become a *real* scientist or engineer!" I've had an affinity for math and science since mv earliest childhood. If I did something praiseworthy, I'd ask my dad for a math prob-lem. I hand-calculated and memorized all the square numbers from 1 to 2500, and noticed many patterns; e.g., if x is an integer, the last two aigits or (25 - X)^< and (25 + X)^ are the same. lhe Science Channel was my tavorite I V network and the Museum of Science was my fa- vorle amusement oark. "Fatima, I spent my childhood studying math and science so I could attend a high-rank-ing college, then be granted the opportunity to immigrate to the US and find a job there," my mother said. "Now that you live in the US, you don't have to study math and science so rigor-ously. You nave treedom. You shoula pursue vour dreams and become an actress, a musi-cian, or an influencer!" "What if I like math and science?" "Piift, why would vou want to spend vour days plumbing people s tollets: I don t want my aauener lo nave arriv nanas. I want ner lo 0e pretty!" "But mom!—" "—Fatima! You've been wearing the same gray sweatshirt three days in a row. It smells worse than your brother's hockey gear.' "But it's comfortable!" Aaan why do you have no taste in lashion: Don't you know the prettier the clothes, the more uncomfortable they are? Anyway, you must choose a major that lalls within the nu manities department. Ihat's final. Ultimately, I applied as a fashion major be- cause It seemea easiest. Growing up in Massachusetts, I dreamed of attending UMass Amherst. Every day, I plead with my dad to convince his friend, a UMass professor, to sneak us into UMass's buffet, which has annuallv won "Best Campus Food" for the past seven years. After our brunchin-ner, Id eavesdrop on some lectures, hoping that once I graduated high school, I'd be able to receive such an excellent college education at a *reasonable* price. In my senior year of high school, I toured MIT, choked on their pizza, and cried on my way out the "fire-alarm-will-sound-if-pushed" door. Still, my parents forced me to apply to MIT as a safety school. "I would like to study fashion at the Masa-chewsits Institoot of Tecnolawgy because…" I typed two hours before the application aeaanne "You can abbreviate Massachusetts Institute or lechnology as Mil. Mil knows its students have trouble spelling words containing more than three letters. That's why they short- ened their name to Mil instead or Masstech. Unfortunately, MIT was the only school I got into. I braced myself for the next few decades of repaying student debt. Some days, I contemplated becoming a drop-out loser like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, or Mark Zuckerberg. "Sweetie, if you had spent more time studying humanities instead of STEM, you might nave gouen into Umass. I read over your Umass application and saw several red flags. Every time you mentioned a year, you rounded it to uree sie 1ies. lour personal stalement was wril-ten in binary. The only time you used English letters in your supplemental essays was wher assigning numbers to variables." "Aggoghhhhh"" "It's ok sweetie. Tim Mit attended MIT and he turned out alright." nes a beaver. "There's not much wrong with being a bea-ver. Anyhow, you should feel grateful that you got into a college." "I think I was destined to go to MIT," I groaned. Ine admissions omcers probably said, 'Fatima Mitaf is MIT af. Her parents made her name a palindrome, so nerdy!' Un sweetle, I wrote rat Ima on your birth certificate." Just as I had cried on my way out of MIT, I cree on my wav in. MIT to Establish a New Kindergarten After Renovations Oliver Jaded STAFF REPORTER Following concerns about the amount of immature children on campus, MIT will be opening a new kindergarten on the third floor of the east parallel. This program aims to provide a space for students who may not quite be developmentally ready to fully integrate into campus society. While the verase vil sudents over a decade oldei than the traditional kindergartener, some of the student body will still really benefit from a sate and contained space lor unose without fully developed brains. Individuals Will be selected for tis chlacare program based on propensity for participating in dangerous and stupid activities, disrespect towards authority, inability to sit still, and overall immaturity. While it may seem cruel to separate these students from the rest of their peers, this will be the correct space for them based on their maturitv and develoomental readi-ness. The rowdy children will be contained auring the Iloors Manaatory Loud Hours' between midnight to 3am. Ihis will not only provide them a much needed space to burn on their chlanke energy, out Wl also keep them from disturbing the rest of campus with their rambunctious behavior. It remains to be seen whether this will negatively affect the neighboring senior citizen home to be opened 2 floors above. Looking for love? We asked MIT math majors for advice. By Manta Ray go on a date with you!', with a smile of course." plained while fidgeting his hands, staring at AQUARIUM RESIDENT Ins aporoacn Is known in ue Hllerature as the floor with a faint smile. Without prompt, he "straight-line homotopy" according to Mehoff. began to speak about some of his most recent For the fourth year in a row, MIT has claimed the top five spots of the prestigious William Lowell Putnam Mathematical Compe- uton. As a home or manv manemaucal competition winners, including IMO Gold medal-ists, this achievement does not come as much of a surprise. MIT math majors are among an elite group of undergraduates in the university, Known for thelr work-ethic and discipilne to the subject. Math students dedicate most of their waking hours pouring over abstract technical Jargon and obsessing over proors or clamns that are impossible to understand without years of schooling, so they naturally have a way with words. In fact, those who studv math have a reputation of succeeding in the classroom *and* in The veeroom. ve asked the Test studens or the mathematics program for their advice to their peers so that they may learn how to pursue mer romanuc interests. The first person interviewed was Jack Me-hoff, a junior who made sure to introduce himself as a three-time IMO gold medalist and Challenger rank in League of Legends. "Yeah, I just can't keep the women off of me," he rizzed. I did not doubt this for a second. From his unkempt beard growing past nis jugular to nis disheveled clothing covered in crumbs of what seem to be Doritos, I myself was having trouble staying professional during this interview. Nonetheless, I was on a mission. *How else are the mnance majors going to be able to go on dates without his advice?* So we began with the basics: asking out someone for a date. "There are many schools of thought when it comes to pursuing a mate," explained Mehoff, who had begun sweating profusely. "I personally consider myself to be of the topologist school of thought." I was intrigued "Once you have made eye contact with a potential date, he continued, "I would run up to them with mv arms behind me, as vou might see Naruto do, for instance, and shout 'I want to "Which makes sense as we are using the con- sexual partners in short sentences and at an al- vexity of the space between pursuer and the most inaudible volume. pursued," he lilted, going on to explain how this As he continued, it slowly dawned on me technique in parucular nas brought nim many what I was nearing. It woula de no understate dates with "real-life women." ment to say that *Nator was single-handedly Given so many dates, I inquired whether carrying the sexual activity on campus.* The Mehoff pays for them all. number of partners was so staggering that I had "Are we assuming an axiom of choice?" he trouble counting. In fact, almost magically, I asked. could tell that Nator was not only regaling his I urged him to keep within ZF and not ZFC. sexual history, but was also presenting a diago- "Baka," he muttered. "Without choice, how nal argument. I could not count the number of would vou tind a basis for an arbitrary vector parters decause It was uncountable space?" I was enamored. Nator lacked muscle defi- I tactfully explained that I prefer to work in nition and stood uncomfortably close to me ZF because I do not feel comfortable with the during this interview. He exuded sexual prow- idea of non-measurable sets. ess. Attempting to refocus the interview topic, Mehoff cackled uncontrollablv for about 45 I asked Nator if he had a particular sexual posi seconds. "I would not pay for my meals under tion that made him so good. ZE, but you may if you wish." He made a mic The next few seconds of this interview drop gesture and excused himself, saying he changed my life. In fact, since writing this publi- needed to go "complete more sex" with "real-cation, I have been unable to write more articles life women." due to the number of sexual partners I have had As Mehoff walked away into the sunset, he using this particular move. He called it the "Ga- winked at me, and I realized in that moment lois correspondence." Named after the French that he was suggesting that paying for a date is independent of ZF and requires choice. I was in mathematician Évariste Galois, who famously died in a duel rumored to be over a romantic shock - this was a genius at work. interest, this maneuver is just as passionate as As 1 altempted to regain my composure the death of its eponymous muse. The heart of another math student, Yuri Nator, silently ap- the move is to make use of the one-to-one cor- proached me. In almost a whisper, he explained respondence between the towers of extensions that he also had advice he would like to share of vour partners and the symmetries of the that his "best friend" did not mention. Struck group formed by you and your lovers. We leave by the serendipity, I eventually pieced together the rest or the explanauon as an exercise for the that he must have been the person who, with- reduer out blinking, stared intently at me while I con- Once we completed the interview, Nator ducted my last interview. something caugh sped away, and I remained alone on MIT cam- my eyes - or I should say my nose - about Yuri pus with knowledge that would change the Nator. I asked lI he had been wearing any co course of my love life forever. If you are a biolo- 1o21le. Ialor exolarieu ulat Il Was 10l a co1021lt gist, chemist, or even a finance major, you are I smelled, but instead a musk that had been fer- not alone in the struggle that MIT students face menung for the last mont as he nad not snow-with relationships. I hope this piece will help ered. This was the first time I have heard of such you learn from the experts of your cohort, and a technique. will improve your sex life as it has improved "I have too manv books to read, so to make nune more time I decided not to shower," Nator ex- OPINION POLICY Editorials are the official opinions of someone. Probably. Or not, we really don't know. They were written by people who preter to remain anonmous and have since fled to Latin America. If you need to contact them, you're screwed. Dissents are when someone disagrees with a Supreme Court decision. Letters to the editor, columns, and editorial cartoons are written under the influence of controlled substances in some cases, and under the control or intuencea substances in. oters so who knows if they have anything to do with the people who have to do with the newspaper. If you know what I mean. If you want to submit something you can send it by pigeon, telegraph, or by capturing a Tech staff member and tattooing it on their skin in some location that will only be exposed during nude staff meetings. Submit things before midnight, or your submissions will turn into pumpkins. Evil pumpkins! TO REACH US The Tech can be reached by shouting obscenities into any public phone in Boston, or by emailing a prominent stage magician with an act that involves trained birds. If you want to send it to some other place, call 41l and ask for assistance, because dear lord do you need help, there must be something wrong with your brain. The Tech can be found on the internet but reading the Tech on the internet will make you grow hair on your palms and eventually you'll go blind. CORRECTIONS Corrections In this issue, just about everything we print is untrue. All likenesses of MIT students or faculty are coinclaental NOR NATION PINION NEWS CAMPUS IFE FUN ARTS SPORTS SCIENCE WEATHER 8 THE TECH THURSDAY, APRIL 4, 2024 NC ARTS SPORTS & NATION OPINION NEWS CAMPUS LIFE FUN WEATHER WORLD Caltech Baseball Defeats MIT in Sunday Thriller Betsy Mitchell FORMER OLYMPIAN First-year Kailen Hargenrader and scored on a one-out double by (Littleton, Colo. Columbine) led off sophomore Mark Hu (San Jose, Calif the bottom of the second inning with The Harker School). PASADENA, Calli. - sold pitch-ing, poised defense and clutch hitting made the difference Sunday after- noon as the Callech beavers basebal team defeated the MIT Engineers 5-2 at the North Field. The first meeting between these two elite schools since 2015, Caltech made a statement on the scoreboard Ilent awav as unlor cameron Mcna-mee (Great Falls, Mont. Great Falls) connected lor a one-out oases-load ed single to bring home Jack Fishel (Baltimore, Md. Boys' Latin School of Maryland) and Austin Wang (Palo Alto, Calif. The Harker School). McNa-mee touched home plate three batters later and the Beavers would finish the opening frame with a 3-0 lead. a blast to right center for a ground- MIT threatened in the top of the rule coole perore stealne tre and eighth with two runners aboard and then racing home on Wang's RBI only one out, but Pieper induced a groundout. groundbal toward senior rauick Sophomore starting pitcher Bren- Dononoe (New York, N.Y. Bronx dan Flaherty (Narragansett, RI Lake School of Science) at second base, forest Academy) threw a qually six who combined with Hu and McNa innings, allowing just one run and mee to turn an inning-ending double no walks while striking out eight MIT play, firing up the home crowd. Dallers en roule lo nis unira win or me A leadoff hit in the top of the ninth seasoil and a second-out sacrifice fly gave Rookie right-hander Joseph Pieper Mil a secona run, out the rally lel (Palatine, Ill. Palatine) took over short as the Beavers held on for the pitching duties in the top of the sev- 5-2 win and Pieper's first save of his enth inning and retired the first three Calteen pitching career. Engineers in order before Caltech Head Coach Kevin Whitehead and extended its lead in the bottom half. the team will resume SCIAC play on Junior Thorsen Kristufek (McKinney, Friday, March 15 at the University of GOCALIECH.COM Texas McKinney) led off with a single Redlands. Question the Cuasar! Dear Quasar, I have a big party coming up! What are some exotic drinks that I can make for a fun time? — Amola schwarzenes&er Oh boy do I have some magical potions for you! Lunar sparkle nasn Diat 2 10-gal buckets with lids Pneumatic Tube turboyeast A new advice column about life, love, classes, and everything in between! Brought to you by the one and only California MIT Tech. Hi Quasar, Distiller Imagine a situation in which I had an average size banana (5 in length, 4.6 in girth) and it was stuck inside a toaster and is attached to my waist area. How could I remove this banana with minimal damage? - Sumting Wong Hi Quasar, I was having a very vivid dream in which I saw a toilet and really needed to use it. Now I have woken up covered in poop! What can I do about this? - Eugene Crap Wow! That sounds epic! Don't forget to announce this incredible feat to all your friends given the proper ٦a٦٦e٢ه Now, so that the normies don't laugh at you, let's address the mess. Hop straight into the shower for a thorough scrub-down. Once you're all squeaky clean, it's time to tackle the laundry pile-those sheets aren't going to clean themselves! I know this seems like a lot of work, but take it as a sign to shake off any negativity and approach life with a sense of humor. After all, nothing says "seize the day" like waking up to a poopocalypse! Just remember to double-check your surroundings next time you find yourself in dream-land. You never know what surprises might await! Wow! That sounds epic! Don't forget to announce this incredible feat to all your friends given the proper channels! So, picture this: before diving into your predicament, let's have a good laugh at the circus of life! Seriously, take a moment to reflect on how you ended up in this pickle. No judgment, just some good old-fashioned soul-searching, my friend! Now, brace yourself for the Nutella Maneuver! It's like a top-secret spy mission, but instead of dodging lasers, you're coaxing Nutella onto a banana. Yep, you heard that right! With just the right amount of banana excitement (each to their own technique, mind you), behold the miraculous appearance of Nutella! It's like a chocolatey magic trick! Now, here's the fun part: use that Nutella as your banana's getaway car! It's the ultimate lubricant to slip that banana out of its sticky situation. And hey, don't forget to savor every last bit of that delicious Nutella. After all, it's not every day you get to witness such culinary wizardry in action! Bon appétit, my adventurous friend! Instructions: Fill distiller with 8gal hot water 2. Drill hole in bucket lid for Pneumatic tube and stick enough out on the bottom side such that it would not touch the raisin bran mixture when it is in the bucket. use not que on the hole lo secure the toe and make seal airtight. Dump raisin bran and sugar into water Heat water to 160 F Wait for mixture to cool to turboyeast temperature 100-100년 generaly) Move mixture to the two buckets Put yeast in buckets Put lid on buckets Put other end of tube in a water container J0. wait 48 nours and cisnil Green Firebreathing Mythical Beast Ingredients: 1 g dab of spice 125 mL of Clear evergreens Hi Quasar, I'm a devout Christian, but my partner and I want to explore new facets of our relationship. While maintaining our faith is paramount, we also recognize the importance of intimacy and connection in our partnership. We seek guidance on how to navigate this aspect of our relationship with respect for our beliefs and each other. - Stella Virgin Firstly, let's remember that communication is key, whether you're discussing scripture or bedroom escapades. Sit down with your partner and have a candid conversation about your desires and boundaries. It's like having a heart-to-heart with the big man upstairs, but with a bit more giggling involved. Next, let's talk about preparation. Just like you wouldn't dive into the Book of Revelation without some background knowledge, you'll want to do your homework before embarking on this adventure. Invest in some high-quality lubricant (consider it your holy anointing oil) and take things slow, like a leisurely stroll through the Garden of Eden. Lastly, let's address the specific area of focus in your ex-ploration: the buttocks. While this may seem like uncharted territory, it's important to approach it with the same reverence and respect as any other aspect of your relationship. Discuss your intentions openly with your partner, ensuring that both of you are comfortable and enthusiastic about this exploration. Remember, God created our bodies with care and in-tention, and there is no shame in seeking pleasure within the bounds of a loving and consensual relationship. As you journey into this new facet of intimacy, keep the lines of communication open, trust in each other's boundaries, and approach it with the same reverence you hold for your faith. With love, respect, and a dash of humor, may your exploration be both fulfilling and spiritually enriching. Good Evening Quasar, How should I (20M) react when my partner (19F) of 18 months confesses she's developed feelings for women and, rather unexpectedly, blames me for her newfound perspective on love? Instructions: 1. Get the dabs and place desired amount into aluminum roll shaped as cup Bake for 5-6 minutes in a 325 degree oven Get a pot with an airtight cover - Buck Nekkid Mix the heated dabs with clear evergreens 5. Heat covered pot until the dabs dissolve and make First. it's important to maintain an oven-minded attitude sure that notine bous or lenites While you may not have anticipated this revelation, it doesn't 6. Allow 5 more minutes on heat to dissolve unseen necessarily mean that your relationship is doomed. Show em- things pathy by actively listening and validating her feelings. Ask ques- 7. Let cool before opening pot tions about her experiences and thoughts but avoid being judg- mental or detensve. Secondly, reassure her that she can still be honest with you CA Chocolate Surprise © without fearing rejection or judgment. Encourage open communication and create a safe space for discussing these emo-tions. This will help strengthen your bond as partners. Thirdly, understand that the blaming might stem from in-security, confusion, or even guilt over developing new feelings Ingredients: 1 cup All Bran Cereal 1/2 cup Prune Juice 1 cuo aoolesauce she doesn't fully comprehend yet. Be patient with her and reassure her of your love and support. Encourage her to explore these feelings further while being mindful not to push her too hard. Instructions Mix all ingredients into a bowl and store in fridge 2. Blend with water and enjoy! Hello Quasar, What do I do when my academic performance causes a group of professors to petition the admissions department to accept better students? • Crystal Elixir 5 — beau N. Herr Ah, the ol' "let's blame the whole class" routine. Time to flip the script and turn those academic woes into a comedy gold-mine! First off, don't take it too seriously; after all, we're not aiming for an Oscar-worthy drama here. Instead, embrace the chaos and pull off a prank that'll have your professor scratching their head in disbelief. Maybe organize a flash mob of brainiacs singing calculus equations in the quad or start a rumor that the campus ghost is stealing all the A's from the grading curve. Remember, laughter is the best medicine, especially when your GPA needs a pick-me-up! And hey, if all else fails, just remem-ber: even Einstein had his off days. Ingredients: Red rhospnorus Pseudoephedrine lodine Lye Solvents Instructions: 1. Mix & Ventilate: Combine red phosphorus and iodine. ventlate to release gases 2. Add Lye & Solvents: Introduce lye and solvents to the solution. 3. Filter & Chill: Filter the solution, then chill 4. Serve: Enjoy Crystal Elixir responsibly.