California Tech, v. 110:20, April 2, 2009 APRIL FOOLS

April Fool's Edition THE CALIFORNIA TECH VOLUME CX, NUMBER 20 PASADENA, CALIFORNIA tech@caltech.edu APRIL FOOLS, 2009 Caltech Has Nervous Breakdown, Quits Mixed reactions from students and faculty By Bitter STAFF WRITER In unexpected Jove. Caltech (perhaps the best science and engineering university in the country) announced yesterday at a press conference that it would be taking the 2009-2010 year off for "personal reasons." In explaining the gap year, Caltech cited increased caucauon- related pressure and a desire to find meaning in its insignificant "Screw it, I just want to see the world, travel to India or China, and smoke some hashish," explained Caltech. "I am at a crossroads and I want to get out and live a little. Maybe pick up knitting... continued the university, which is sixth in the "US News & World Report's" university rankings. "I don't know I bother. Nobody loves why anymore," sobbed Caltech, before collapsing onto Caltech President Chameau's welcoming shoulder. "Not that prefrosh shouldn't come-- it's a great environment for learning and personal growth," it concluded before blowing its nose on Chameau's cravat. Chameau says that he respects Caltech's decision and wishes it good luck in finding meaning in a "cold and morally bankrupt world." "With the stock market and all, well, to be honest I wasn't sure I was going to be able to put him through university for another year anyways," said the downtrodden president. "Not that the schools' financial troubles should dissuade students from attending, everything is perfectly une, I swear." Rumors had spread in the preceding months that Caltech had been seeing Caltech's (award winning) counseling center, but this is the first confirmation of the school's psychological confusion. Tom Mannion (a saint loved by all without question) claims he's known the truth of the situation for month, but only felt comfortable confiding the secret in his elite student henchmen. The university's decision leaves students and faculty in a veritable limbo. Without a university, all faculty will be on sabbatical and students will have to continue their studies without (the school's famously entertaining illuminating) and lectures. Courses will be run exclusively using MIT's OpenCourse Ware. The announcement sparked a wide range of reactions. Nearly forty students, led by an outraged from U.C Berkeley, marched on President Chameau's house, and were invited inside for tea and hot chocolate. Other students didn't seem to care. "No yeah, I don't think this will affect me. 'said Ron Rivest, a sophomore CS Major. "I never went to lectures (as unique and amazing as they were) anyways, accessible) professor speaking off the record noted that "Only sycophants and tools (not that those sorts of students shouldn't matriculate) attended my classes all ways Now cal spend my time doing real work and drinking." Other (world-class) professors, also speaking off the record, noted that it was only the constant need I felt I had purpose in life," said the university before leaving the podium in tears. The Caltech Christian Fellowship (a wonderful student organization that brings meaning to the lives of Caltech students) is collecting donations of balloons and cards in oracl cheer up the confused university. "I don't know what these material tokens are supposed to do for a depressed university, but we've "I don't even know why I bother. Nobody loves me anymore." run out of ideas," explained the CCF President. Avery House, led by its Chancellor Aphine Ouse, plans to - Caltech University file suit against Caltech for breach of contract, claiming that Caltech can only take a medical sabbatical if it has a note from its doctor proving it has an actual disease. but I hope Caltech finds whatever perform scripted lectures in "He's clearly faking it," said its looking for soon. I need it to be half-way presentable outfits which back by graduation." Ouse. . "Just look. It's so easy to kept themselves from cherus fake mental "Can't Caltech (with its best their own spiral of depression and bastard." conditions... lazy collegiate in-class dining services) self-doubt. just recuperate over the summer?" Caltech (whose staff of asked pre-med Markkas Hart I. "I mean, all you have to do is researchers produces more spend a month reading Nietzsche, outstanding papers than institution this side any of the wearing black, cutting your wrists and listening to My Chemical Mississippi) reportedly made the Romance' he advised. "That's decision after seeing pictures of the incoming prefrosh. what I do. "They all looked so innocent Ed. Note: The Caltech Office of Pretrosh Information ana Truth altered certain portions of this article. Professors also have mixed and naive. I remember when reactions to the news. A (kind and felt like that. I remember when Professor Nate Lewis Raps His Way to Fame By Stoned STAFF WRITER Rolling Stone magazine released its list of "100 People Who Are Changing America" last week, and Caltech's very own Professor Nate Lewis, better known by his stage name Lil Lew, topped the list at #17. This year's list was particularly notable for Lil Lew as he beat out rival rapper Lil Wayne, who took the #19 spot. Competition for album sales between the two artists has been fierce. Lil Wayne's 2008 album, The Carter III, was the best selling album of year, "the making tattooed, syrup-swigging, perpetually stoned 26-year-old the weirdest pop superstar since Michael Jackson," according to Rolling Stone Lil Lew's career, however, has prove lat have greater longevity. latest twentv-sixth album, The Experiment XXVI, was recently certified as triple platinum and has been called his sest work yet. Lewis refers to his recent hit singles, "Vapor Sensing Wid Mah E-Nose" and "Solar Sells," as some of his purest beats ever, producing a 9970 yield. After the release of the latest album, ladies have been flocking like hydrogen ions to him and his rap group, collectively known as the Lewis Bases. Despite beating out Lil Wayne and Taylor Swift, one rap rival that Lil Lew was not able to top on this year's list was Kanye West, who took the #7 spot. Lil Lew, however, seemed unfazed by the defeat: "I don't even know who Kanye West is," said Lil Lew. The rivalry verween the we crush be MOIC pronounced on West's side. Upon hearing that he placed above Lil Lew on the list, West said, "I'm harder, better, faster, stronger.... Bow in the presence of greatness, Lil Lew! You should be honored by my lateness, that I would even show up to this fake s***" In spite of West's comments, Lil Lew welcomes the chance to meet the top twenty of the list. He is particularly interested in collaborating with Tina Fey (#8) and Bono (#4), stating, "We could sing and rap together." Music critics have largely agreed that the unique collaboration has the potential to make music history. So what's next for the man who already has twenty-six hundreds of hits albums, singles and numerous awards? Lil Lew says that he is planning to expand the LilLewempire include clothing line and reality television show. MTV Nate Lewis rocks out in his office. cameras are currently following the artist as he heads to the mixing lab and creates new material. His new album, whose title is rumored to be "Ch1 4 Lyf", is tentatively set for release in Fall 2010. The complete Rolling Stone list can be found at: http:// www.rollingstone.com/news/ story/26754176/the_rs_100_ agents_of_change/ North Houses declared historic, slums page 4 In This Issue Professors Unsure If Students Are Boycotting Class BoC Declares Social Life an Honor Code Violation Study Finds 30% of "Work" Spent Watching YouTube Caltech Security Running Bike Theft Ring page 2 page 3 page 5 page 7 MIT Still Located in Bitterly Cold Boston page 7 Prefrosh Weekend Dining Schedule ursday Dinner prefrosh fullname Shir Aharon Albert Ai Emma Alexander Sachin Allahabadi Rina Amatya Avin Andrade Carlos Armada Moi Arriaga Troy Astorino Juhee Bae Purnima Balakrishnan Dori Bejleri Nathan Benjamin Jack Blackwood Daniel Blado Michelle Bobrow Stephanie Bohaczuk Tim Wu ang la MittoRmwnotom ailfadail Ellen L Harriet I Cici Li Erik Liu TBD Blacker Avery Blacker Lloyd Avery Lloyd Dabney Blacker Ruddock Blacker Ruddock Blacker Page Dabney Ricketts Blacker Fleming Ruddock Ruddock Blacker Page Lloyd Fleming Lloyd Fleming Fleming Dabney Avery Blacker Lloyd Page Ricketts Fleming Lloyd TBD Dabney Lloyd Fleming Page Braun/Avery Page Fleming Blacker Blacker Dabney Ruddock Fleming Dabney Fleming Blacker Page Ricketts Dabney Wei Li Lloyd Avery Lloyd Page Dabney Dabney Ruddoc! Blacke Avery Dabney Avery Blacke Avery Avery Ruddock Lloyd Avery Ricketts Blacker Blacke THE CALIFORNIA TECH tech@caltech.edu VOLUME CX, NUMBER 20 PASADENA, CALIFORNIA APRIL 2, 2009 Caltech has a new webcasting program Two Caltech students win Hertz Fellowships By Joel Nikolaus STAFF WRITER Ever feel like understand what you would the protessOr was talking about if you could just hear him say it one more time? That may no longer be an issue for some courses. The Academics and Research Committee (ARC) has already begun taping lectures that will be webcasted for three courses: Introduction Computer Systems (CS24), Applications of Classical Physics (Ph136c), and Introductory Methods of Applied Mathematics (ACM95c). The lectures have yet to be posted, but they are part of a pilot project for a more expansive program that current ARC Chair Andrey Poletayev hopes will go into effect next year. The more expansive program would include lectures from more courses, and all the lectures would be accessible to Caltech students via an interactive web interface. The interface would allow students tO watch and rewind parts of the lecture, but it would also allow students to leave comments and make bookmarks. Students would tape the lectures and maintain the web interface. Program expansion is contingent on the approval of funding proposals that will be submitted Vice Provost Melany Hunt and the Moore-Hufstedler Fund. Money from Hunt would provide funding for equipment, including cameras, and an MHF grant would fund development, including salaries for students to develop the webcasting interface this summer. Money might also provide work-study money for students that film classes, potentially at tutor-level wages of $12.50 an hour. Meanwhile, ARC is supporting the first few weeks of the program, relying volunteers and borrowed equipment, including cameras that Poletayev describes as "crappy". He anticipates approval of both funding requests, but that without it the program would not survive. Some funding would be required to even continue for the duration of the spring term. "If she [Hunt] doesn't, I don't know how this is going to work," said Poletayev. Funding is not the only issue that needs to be dealt with in order to expand this project from a few courses wider selection. Professors must also agree to have their lectures taped and webcast. Karthik Sarma, ARC Secretary, said that the handful of professors he has talked to fall into three groups. "A third of them were like yes, this is a great idea, a third didn't want to be first but would do it when everyone else did, and another third though it was a bad idea," said Sarma. rhoto from fo-ling con and www.usc.eau/sof/ristory/ 2001/pictures Amit Lakhanpal and Po-Ling Loh have been awarded Hertz Fellowships, which are valued at over $250,000 and provide no-strings attached five-year graduate fellowships in the applied sciences and engineering fields. Only ten students nationwide were awarded Hertz Fellowships this year, out of an applicant pool of 543 students. Lankhanpal is a first year graduate student studying quantitative biology at Caltech with Professor Michael Elowitz, and Loh is a senior planning to studying applied math at University of California, Berkeley. Loh's oldest brother, Po-Shen Loh, won a Hertz Fellowship as well in 2004. Lankhanpal is pictured at left, and Loh is pictured at right. "I feel very honored and fortnate to have received this award," said Lankhanpal. "I'm grateful to the Hertz Foundation for administering this program. There are many more deserving candidates than available fellowships, so you have to be a little lucky to get through." According to Lankhanpal, the process is "fairly involved", and involves a written application and recommendations followed by two rounds of interviews over the course of a few months. Please see WEBCAST, Page 6 One Burglar Down, More To Go Only three bike thefts since February 26 Student Faculty Conference "unique" By Sarah Marzen STAFF WRITER By Wesley Yu STAFF WRITER The number of random bike thefts on campus seems to be decreasing. No bikes have been stolen since March 15, according to Security Chief Gregg Henderson. Only three bikes have been stolen since February 26, which marked the start of an approximately three-week hiatus for bike thefts on Caltech's campus. On March 12, two bikes were stolen after their U-locks were cut, according to Security Chief Gregg Henderson. The hiatus from February 26 until March 11 came immediately after the Pasadena police caught one of the bike thieves, following an anonymous tip phoned into Caltech Security. The burglar was not affiliated with Caltech in any way, said Henderson. However no lost bikes have been found and many of the KRYPTONITE A cut U-lock without a bike sits on a bike rack in the corridor between Lloyd House and Page House. stolen bikes are not registered with Caltech. Bikes that are registered with Caltech will be delivered to their owners, if found; bikes that are not registered will be put up for ducuion. "Till it happens to them, people don't think about it," said Henderson, regarding the relatively low number of registered bikes. Henderson did not give more details, as investigation of the bike thefts is still ongoing. On April 4, Caltech will hold its Student-Faculty Conference ≥ hosted by the Academics and Research Committee - Students, (ARC). faculty administrators, have and been discussing proposals for changes the curriculum and student life on campus every other year since 1980. According to ARC Chair Andrey Poletayev, the conference this year will be unique. SFC will be special "This for two reasons- the Student Experience Trip( SET) presentation and core re-evaluation discussion," he said. "I have high expectations for the trip presentation." The SET occurred at the end of last summer. Caltech student representatives visited many campuses across the United States to gather ideas for improving Caltech student life. The overall focus of this year's conference will be on making actionable "This recommendations. year's [conference] differs from last year's Student Experience Conference in that last year's focused on student life as a whole," said Tzong-Lian "Will" Tsay, former ARC Chair. "Although this year we will still be discussing some of these issues, we will be proposing very specific recommendations. In order to make the conference as effective as possible, detailed records will be kept and follow-up will be enforced. "Follow-up will be done by individual committees, they will write reports to present to their divisions, adminstrators and the student body," said Poletayev. "The ARC will provide note cards for comments during the Ramo sessions and collect them in the end." Compared to previous SFCs. this year's comes at an important time of change for Caltech. The shrinking budget and recent WASC inspection have opened Please see SFC, Page 6 In This Issue Unsure of where to go for food? page 5 20 Questions with Professor Aschbacher New Bioengineering major Core getting an update Putnam team excels Fencing Team Scores a Win page 6 page 6 page 6 page 7 page 4 2 THE CALIFORNIA TECH OPINION /ІНС APRIL 2, 2009 Excerpts from the IHC Full version of the IC minutes can be found at http://ihc.caltech.edu/ Prefrosh Weekend - Houses can invite professors to dinner Friday night. Houses can be provided silled a nice reception before that dinner. Pallavi will send out prefrosh weekend rules (http://ihc.caltech. edu/documents/prefrosh.html) to presidents and ug-list them. Please make sure you understand them, and your house understands them. - It is okay to buy prefrosh things at the C-store, as long as you don't spend excessive money on them. The IC will hold two panels: 4-5pm Friday (most parents will be elsewhere during this panel) 9-10am Saturday (with parents more likely to attend). Appointments - Sign-ups for Ath Man, Food Chair, and Stewardship Chair will be up from Monday, April 6 until Friday, April 10. Appointments for those positions will be sometime that weekend - Sign-ups for all other IHC-appointed positions will be up from Monday, April 13 until Friday, April 17. Appointments will most likely be approximately 2 to 7 pm on Sunday, April 19, April 26, and May 3. Caltech Drug and Alcohol survey - Wendy works in the Health Center and Counciling Center holds a survey every other year to help her design programs. - She only knows what students tell her in confidential settings, so it's important that students fill out the survey and give honest answer. - As an incentive, the house with largest number of participants will receive $150 for their house. Students can also win a Target gift certificate or iPod for taking the survey. - The survey is totally anonymous, confidential, and your survey will never be linked to you or your house. Student Faculty Conference is Monday Team Tech talent show - Team Tech is holding a talent show next Friday, April 10, from 7 to 10 pm in Ramo auditorium. All faculty, staff, and students are encouraged to show off a talent. Anyone who wants to be in the talent show or wants more information should email CaltechTalentShow@ gmail.com by Thursday, April 2 The California Tech Caltech 40-98.rasadena. CA9114. advertising e-mall: business@caltech.edu editorial e-mail: tech@caltech.edu Editor-in-Chief Chris Kennelly Business Managers Robin Abraham Report Crimes By Sarah Marzen EDITOR Copy Editor Sarah Marzer Layout Editors Hanna Liu Photography Editor Jonathan Tsai Dannan Almasco Marissa Cevallos ZeNan Chang Moliv bavis Andrea Dubin Mark Eichenlaub Andrew Freddo Anna Hiszpanski Michelle dang Robert Karl Natalya Kostandova Vibha Laliani Harold Martin Joel Nikolaus Wora Iran Wesley Yu Circulation Aryan Safaie Adviser Dr. Gary Libman the lech is published weekly except during acalon ana examinalon perioas ov the A ocatea students or the calrornia Insumu or lechnology, Ine Ine pinions expresso crem are sticuy tose or te aunors ar aaverusers Leters ane sudmissions are welcome, e-mal sudmissions lo tecnccauecn.eau as plain-tex allach dutors Hamlo anonymous conurou any reason. All reason. As 1 walked into Gregg Henderson's office to ask him about Avery's security system last week, he looked tired and about as stressed as any Caltech student. When I asked him what he was doing, he said that he's been busy collecting and analyzing statistics about Caltech's crime rates-- and that crime statistics analysis was a large part of his job. Oh no. Do you remember reading an article a few weeks back that had a bar graph of the number of Caltech's on-campus property crimes you this year? Do how Caltech apparently had absolutely no on-campus property crimes? That statistic blatantly wrong. I can think of five people off the top of my head who have been stolen from at some point in this past year, but who apparently didn't report the theft to Security. Since I only know a fraction of the student population, there are probably at least twenty on-campus property crimes so far this year. Is it Security's fault that their statistics are wrong? I don't think so. It doesn't make sense for Security officers ask each Caltech student about their (probably non-existent) experience with crime that month. Come on, guys-- it is not that taxing to call the Security office and let them know that your bike was stolen. It would make Security's life much easier and Henderson's job much more fruitful. For subscription information, please send mai ASCIT Minutes March 14, 2009 Iqbal Officers Absent: Laura Conwill Guests: Joel Nikolaus Officers Present: Anthony Chong, Andrey Poletayev, Pallavi Gunalan, Maral Mazrooei, Michael Maseda, Nadia Call to order: 12:15 pm Funding: - Bonuses: The BoD decided to award DevTeam a bonus. Officer Reports: - V.P. of Academic Affairs (ARC Chair): With the new TQFR, Andrey said that student responses will now only be visible to the faculty because personnel cuts no longer allow the administration to filter out offensive comments. Karthik, the new ARC Secretary, will be looking into it and trying to work some compromise. Possibilities include a change that allows students to at least leave advice for those taking the class. Andrey also said they are trying to decide on the topics for this upcoming SFC and have already begun to assign people to look into the areas in more detail. Selection of these topics has tried to keep in mind the issues already raised in last year's SEC, and will include the possibility of budding off CS, EE, and CNS to form the IST division. Shirts for the SFC will be screened over break. Finally, an MHF proposal is in the works to fund webcasting classes. Lectures for certain courses would be available on a youtube-like framework accessible only to Caltech. This will likely be implemented over the summer, but they are looking for people to tape lectures this upcoming term. - V.P. of Nonacademic Affairs (IHC Chair): Pallavi said the mural policy is now waiting on only a single student signature, and that as a result of the new off-campus party policy, the administration is trying to locate more venues on campus for students to hold parties/activities. There are also some issues with housing about shoes being left outside of doors. Review Committee appointments have been made and Dan Obenshain (chair) will be calling a meeting in the near future. She said that the IC continues to discuss the rotation schedule and finances - Operations Director: Club funding is coming up. Michael also said that he will focus on the Big T over break and go through the SAC to take an inventory of rooms and their current use. - Treasurer: Angela sent the Treasurer's guide and Maral said reimbursements will be made as soon as possible. She is still waiting on Financial Services to clear all the paperwork. - Social Director: Karaoke party was a success. Nadia said she plans to book all of the equipment needed for pretrosn weekend President's Report: - ASCIT Formal/Concert: Anthony said that the BoD needs to get together an acceptable list of bands. Tom Mannion is trying to organize something for third term, but he needs to know which of the available bands are acceptable to students. Nadia and Paul Fleiner will be looking into this. The concert may be moved to fall term depending on the availability. • Emails: Anthony said he received complaints that the BoD was not responsive to emails and told the BoD to make sure they are responsive. Even if dealing with the email will take time, BoD members should be courteous and acknowledge receipt of the message. End: 12:53 pm March 30, 2009 Officers Present: Anthony Chong, Andrey Poletayev, Pallavi Gunalan, Maral Mazrooei, Michael Maseda, Nadia Iqbal, Laura Conwill Guests: Joel Nikolaus Call to order: 9:50 pm Officer Reports: - V.P. of Academic Affairs (ARC Chair): Andrey said that he, Melany Hunt, and Judy Campbell will open the SFC with a brief introduction. This introduction will be followed by presentations/discussions on Core, Undergraduate Research, the Student Experience Trip, Lunch (covered by Tom Mannion/Student Affairs), the Honor Code, H.S.S and finally Option Specific discussions. He said it would be good to have the SET report out before the SFC, but the report is still under admin review. As far as TQFR is concerned, he said that some sort of screening has been up so that comments will be visible to students. There will also be one student taught course and three webcast courses this next term. - V.P. of Nonacademic Affairs (IHC Chair): Pallavi said that the IHC is working out the details for prefrosh weekend including where prefrosh will be eating dinner and the two panels to talk about the house system. Pallavi said that she, Michael, and Tim Black are also working on developing a proposal for a student center. They have begun visiting schools and drawing up ideas for what should be included, and a survey will probably go up sometime in the near future. Although a location has yet to be set aside for a student center, the proposal when completed will eventually be sent up to the administration. - Operations Director: Michael said he is still looking for SAC 15 keys, but when talking to housing about it, they suggested that the room could be put on combo. T Dabney also still needs some sort of storage space, but due to limited open space in the SAC there are no open rooms. Michael suggested that SAC 34, the current ASCIT storage room, is the best option. The items currently stored in there do not take up much space and can be shifted to accommodate Dabney. He said he plans to order the letterhead on Tuesday. Frosh lunches will be scheduled sometime soon (after prefrosh weekend) - Treasurer: Maral said she sent in the new budget in to financial services and that she has all the reimbursements and checks though there are still some old budget reimbursements that need to be dealt with. The final number for next year's total budget is $67,500 with $26,450 of that amount set aside for project reserves. - Social Director: Nadia said she is still working on the carnival for Prefrosh Weekend. Although she has people covering popcorn, cotton candy, and the dunk tank, she still needs professors to volunteer for the dunk tank She will be meeting with Tom Mannion about the concert tomorrow. Realistically a concert is not going to happen until fall term. That means ASCIT formal (on campus) is definitely a go. Scheduling: - Meeting Times: Meetings will continue to be held Fridays at 12:10 on the Olive Walk. Any other special meetings will in the future be coordinated through Doodle. - Club Funding Meeting: Tentatively set for April 18th at 9:00 in the morning. The time gives time for clubs to get their proposals in and for Michael to meet with Tom Mannion to discuss liability issues. - Prefrosh Weekend: 1 p.m., Thursday there is an ASCIT social hour (with snacks) on the olive walk to try to get people away from Steele House. 10:30 p.m., Friday there will be midnight donuts on the Olive Walk with the BoD meeting for setup and cleanup as normal. 4:00 - 6:00 p.m., Saturday there will be the club carnival. BoD members should talk to Nadia about helping out. President's Report: - Staff: The Review Committee approved some of the staff including Chris Hallacy, Adam Khan, Paul Fleiner, and Max Bryk. Information on other pending staff positions should be sent to Anthony and he will speak to the Review Committee. Not all jobs require approval of formal staff. The Tech also needs to have new business managers appointed. Vote to approve Gabe Mendoza and Chris Kennely as new business managers for the Tech. Approved (5-0-0) - Bike Shop. Undergrads are currently charged $10 a key to use the bike shop in the SAC. Michael will talk to those involved about increasing availability to undergrads. End: 10:35 pm THE CALIFORNIA TECH PEW SCHEDULE Thursday, April 2nd Evening Saturday, April 4th Time Event Location Time Event Location 9:00 - 11:00 pm Caltech Y Movie Night: Curious Sit back, relax, and enjoy the movie Curious at the Caltech Y, with a special guest from the film. Curious is the documentary film featuring some of the groundbreaking research happening at Caltech. Delving into the stories behind the science, this film gives you an opportunity to see how Caltech research is making a Caltech Y (#52) 11:00 am - 3:30 pm Explore Pasadena Make sure to bring some money for lunch! Buses will be running throughout Pasadena to locations on Lake Avenue, Old Pasadena, and the Paseo Colorado area. Hop on and off at the different stops to find a place to eat and see what Pasadena has to offer. A map of the bus route is included in your Prefrosh folder. Buses depart from Steele House (Admissions Office) (#94) difference in the lives of real people. Ice cream provided! Sponsored by the Caltech Y 4:00 - 5:30 pm Caltech Club Fair/ASCIT Carnival Over 40 registered ASCIT organizations will be present! Pick up information and talk to representatives Olive Walk (just west of #61) Friday, April 3rd Evening about your interests! In conjunction with the Club Fair, the Associated Students of the California Institute of Technology (ASCIT) are sponsoring a carnival. Enjoy munching on popcorn and cotton candy, and negotiating an Time Event Location obstacle course. And, if you're lucky, 7:30 - 9:00 pm Performing and Visual Arts Concert Students will perform a selection of musical and theatrical pieces. Faculty will give introductions to the performing and visual arts at Caltech and answer questions from the audience. Ramo Auditorium (#77) 5:00 - 7:00 pm you may even get to dunk one of your future professors or upperclassmen al the dunk tank Campus Dinner, In 'N' Out Burger In'N'Out will be bringing trucks, making cheese burgers, and sharing a true California tradition with Bechtel Mall South of Kerckhoff (#27) 10:30 11:30 pm ASCIT Social Hour Come mingle with fellow prefrosh and upperclassmen during the ASCIT Social Hour. There will be music, Olive Walk (just west of #61) 10:30 - 11:00 pm everyone. Ice cream, churros and freshly-baked cookies for dessert. The entire undergraduate population is invited! Almost Midnight Pizza Pizza... What's not to love?! Sponsored by Campus Life and ASCIT Olive Walk (just west of #61) snacks, and milkshakes provided by ASCIT Social Team. Location: Olive Walk. Hosted by ASCIT APRIL 2, 2009 3 Advertisement The Counseling Center Presents Mindful Stress Management: How to Do Less While Accomplishing More When: Friday, April 3rd at Noon Where: Caltech Y Multipurpose Room FREE LUNCH PROVIDED Do you lose sleep over deadlines? Do you feel guilty if you are not multitasking? Does your self-esteem hinge on how busy you are? If you answered "Yes" to any of these questions, come to this workshop to learn a few strategies for mindful stress management. Work, Sleep, Play-Finding Balance Lecture Series. Truman National Security Project Truman Democrats: Strong. Smart. Principled. Do you know anyone who has served in the military? What do you think when you see someone in uniform? Rob Berschinski did ROTC at Yale and served as an Air Force intelligence officer in Korea, Gemany, Rwanda, and Iraq. Maura Sullivan is an MRA/MPA Harvard. She served as a Captain in the Marines, completing tours in Iraq. Japan, Tyson Belanger holds a B.A. from Yale and is a Harvard Ph. D. candidate. He has served 5 Marine tours, 3 in Iraq Rye Barcott is an MBA/MPA student at Harvard. He attended UNC.Chapel Hill on a ROTC scholarship and served in the and Korea. Marines in Iraq. Bosnia, and Africa. Our democracy is built on civilian control of the military. But for too many years, civilian elites and military service members have lived in different worlds. Doug Raymond receired a Harvard MBA and served as an Armor and Military Incelligence Officer in the Army. What are some ways you can connect with peers serving in the military? Here is some advice from recent graduates: • Don't confuse politics with military service. Military service members often join to protect the defenseess or to stand against genocide. They choose to serve their country. They do not choose their wars. • Never declare that someone killed in war died in vain. Officers take a vow to our constitution. Many die protecting friends within their units. Even if civilian leaders have made serious strategic mistakes, the sacrifices of service members have meaning Theyou to be guing one he when de vame ne This you mie ho pade te die do the evan fole the an hopia at al to a country * Finally: Learn more. Our military serves under civilian command. As future leaders, you should know how our military works Build your leadership ability, visit: www.trumanprojest.org/military101. The Truman National Security Project is a national security leadership institute, the nation's only organi ration that recruits, trains, and positions a new generation of progressives across America to lead on national security: For more information or to take part in our leadership programs, visit our Web site: www.trumanproject.org 4 APRIL 2, 2009 FEATURES THE CALIFORNIA TECH 20 Questions with Professor Aschbacher by Christina Kondos Dr. Michael Aschbacher is the i. Proving that there exist ake up of the student body al Shaler Hanisch Professor of finite lattices, which are culty is not much differer Mathematics at Caltech. He is not intervals in the lattice an expert in mathematical group of subgroups of any finite theory. His special interest is group. finite simple groups, the basic • What house were you i t Caltech when you were a undergraduate? building blocks of mathematics 3. What first made you which has applications in the interested in mathematics? Blacker. transmission and storage of data as well as the study of crystals. He received his B.S. from Caltech in 1966 and his Ph.D. The first real mathematics courses I took as an undergraduate at Caltech. 9. Do you have a favorite comic book? from the University of Wisconsin in 1969. 4. Who was your most influential professor? 1. Why Caltech? I like living on the west coast, and in Pasadena in particular. (Although the increase in opulation density over the last › to 10 years has decreased the quality of life in Pasadena.) Also Caltech is one of the best research universities in the world, the mathematics department here is excellent, and the students are talented. Probably Marshall Hall, who was on the faculty here for about 20 years beginning in the late fifties. 5. There is no Nobel Prize in mathematics. Tell us your thoughts. It probably means that mathematics is a bit less visible to the general public than it otherwise might be. When I was a student I read Marvel comics, but I haven't read comic books in years. Of those I've read, I'd say I like Watchmen best. 10. If you had to go back and major in a humanities or social science, what would you pick? Writing fiction might be an interesting profession, but I don't know that it would be necessary to major in literature to do that. 11. Infinity...what do you think? 2. Tell us about your research. What are you working on now? Most of my work involves finite groups. Currently I spend most of my time on two projects: i. Establishing a foundation for the theory of saturated fusion systems. These objects were first defined by a modular representation theorist, and then taken up by homotopy theorists, but they also have close connections with the local theory of finite groups. 6. Do you have any pets? My wife and I currently have two cats and a dog, which we got from the pound late last year after the last of our old pets died. My wife also owns a horse that she keeps in a barn in the arroyo near JPL. Life is finite, which can be unsettling. 7. How has Caltech changed since you were an undergraduate here? Physically Caltech is at least twice as large as when I was a student here, but the size and 2. The Beatles, Elvis, or t each Boy If we are talking about sixties English rock bands, I prefer the early Stones (while they were still doing rhythm and blues). the Yardbirds, or Them. In fifties rockabilly a prefer Buddy Holy. Brian Wilson made some good singles and one good album, but among LA rock bands of the period, I prefer the Buffalo Springfield or even the Doors. 13. a you speak ay ather only speak English, and it's to ate to change that nor 19. How do you feel about the portrayal of mathematicians i pop culture? There are few such depictions, and almost all portray mathematicians as eccentric or even crazy. This probably reflect that fact that most people thinl you have to be crazy to involve yourself with mathematics. In the long run, solar energy. 15. Favorite histrial figure You got me. 16. Which one of the Millennium problems do you think is closest to being solved? I have no idea. 17. If you could sit down and have tea with any deceased mathematician, who would it be? 0. What are feelings on ti umber 42 Not an interesting number. ** Evariste Galois (1811 - 1832) was a French mathematician born in Bourg-la-Reine. While still in his teens, he was able to determine a necessary and sufficient condition for a polynomial to be solvable by radicals, thereby solving a long-standing problem. His work laid the foundations for Galois theory, a major branch of abstract algebra, and the subfield of Galois connections Galois, but maybe we could have wine instead. (**See note.) He was the first to use the word "group" as a technical term in mathematics to represent 18. Star Wars or Lord of the Rings? a group of permutations. A radical Republican during the monarchy of Louis Philippe in I thought the first Star Wars France, he died from wounds movie was pretty good when suffered in a duel under shadowy it came out, but Lucas doesn't circumstances at the age of seem to have had the imagination twenty. and skill to build on that success and flesh out the universe he created in a way that would satisfy adults. I never cared for Tolkien's books. Obama Nominates Former Caltech Provost to Undersecretary of Science by Marissa Cevallos Former Caltech provost and Berkeley National Laboratory. KOONIN IN A NUTHSELL theoretical physicist Steve Koonin If the Senate confirms Koonin, is President Obama's pick for he will oversee the Department Undersecretary for Science, a post of Energy's science portfolio, that will pair him with Energy including running the national After Koonin served as provost Secretary and Nobel Laureate laboratory system. from 1995-2004, he took a leave Steven Chu from the Lawrence of absence to be chief scientist at BP in London to explore alternative and renewable energy for the company. Koonin and Chu were partners in the Energy Biosciences Institute, a $500 Đp million collaboration between BP, the University of California, Berkeley, and the University of Illinois. Koonin has argued in lectures and in journals to invest in more biofuel research. DF CALIE Koonin first came to Caltech as an undergrad, earning his Dacnelor s in physics in 1972 before getting his Ph.D. at MIT in 1975. He joined the Caltech faculty in 1975 and became a full professor in 1981. His resume includes the ASCIT Teaching Award in 1975-76. Koonin is no stranger to science Steven Koonin, right and Steven Chu, left. public policy. Koonin is a member of JASON, an exclusive club of Chameau in a press release. scientists who have met behind "During his tenure as Caltech's closed doors since the Cold War provost, Steve made contributions to advise the US government in to Caltech that were long-reaching science and technology matters, and left an enduring legacy. His especially nuclear. "Steve's nomination as under keen analytical abilities and problem-solving secretary comes at a vital point expertise will serve him well in his new position in our nation's progress toward to help move the country forward energy independence," said attainment of our Caltech president Jean-Lou energy goals." THE CALIFORNIA TECH FEATURES APRIL 2, 2009 5 IHE DECISION WEB "Where to eat! The Crip Vine 46 minutes $$$ Green Street Restaurant 20 minutes $$ Wokcano 35 minutes (delivery time) WONCANG A smaller, closer, and more homely Cheesecake Factory, Green Street Restaurant has a large variety of A great date place tucked away in cuisines to satisty any craving. Drop Old Pas, The Crêpe Vine offers a by for an excellent weekend brunch! large variety of gourmet savory and sweet crêpes. www.greenstreetrestaurant.com Pan-Asian cuisine that can help you pull through a late night of schoolwork, Wokcano delivers until 2 AM Sunday - Wednesday and until 4 AM Thursday - Saturday. www.wokcanorestaurant.com (626) 578-1818 www.thecrepevine.com Am I taking someone out? START HERE 증 Am I going in / YES a big group? Do I want to go of campus? NO Is it after 9 PM? Maria's Italian Kitchen 45 minutes (delivery time) $$$ Do I want to spend under $5? NO Maria's offers a wide variety of Italian entrées beyond the standard pizza pie. Its delicious food is a refreshing change from the standard take-out fare Do I want to sample a lot of different things? www.mariasitaliankitchen.com (626) 351-2080 Burger Continental S 11 minutes Marias Right near Pavilions, BC offers the $2 burger meal for Caltech students. They also have live belly dance performances on the weekends. Somplantation 16 minutes Chipotle 16 minutes Souplantation has an all-you-can-eat seasonal selection of soups, salads, and pastas. It can be healthy, but to get the most value come with an appetite! Chipotle is already frequented by Caltech students for an affordable Mexican grill fix "Sunshine Cleaning" Sparkles Sweetly Despite Mistakes by Hillary Walker A t times, "Sunshine Cleaning" seems com- deem the film's overly episodic structure posed of too many fragments that are far Adams portrays endearing vulnerability and too small. Abundant, disproportional side sto- remarkable perseverance. Recognizing her ries and adherence to the formula of zany in- poor choices but always hoping to turn her die comedy threaten to become drifting or too life around, Rose presses a sweet smile and re familiar, yet somehow the work is undeniably peats an inspirational mantra that she doesn't likable. quite believe. Blunt carries Norah beyond tough-talking clichés. She openly struggles with the suicide of their mother and searches for a stranger after finding photos of her as a and sleeps with her high school quarterback little girl in a dead woman's apartment. Their boyfriend even though he's now married to quirky, shrimp-hustling father (Alan Arkin, someone else. When her son, seven-year-old who played a strangely similar role in "Little Oscar, has problems at school, Rose begins Miss Sunshine") and Winston (Clifton Col- cleaning up bio-hazard crime scenes, enlist- lins), the fascinating, one-armed cleaning sup- ing the help of her disenchanted, unreliable ply salesman, add to the film's richness. sister Norah (Emily Blunt), in order to pay for The film is genuine, bittersweet, funny, and private tuition. "Sunshine Cleaning" doesn't poignant. The story is occasionally muddled avoid the shocking details of their job-the and was perhaps written with too much atten- blood sprayed shower, the bag of fries filled tion to Sundance sensibilities. Still, the main with maggots— or the emotional brutality. The characters are well crafted and show authentic two sisters struggle to create a legitimate busi- emotion, and the film is thoroughly enjoyable ness, ease the pain of others, and survive life's "Sunshine Cleaning" is not a masterpiece but constant complications and disappointments. still triumphs with ample heart. The performances of Adams and Blunt re- 6 APRIL 2, 2009 Caltech's Putnam team scores fifth Brian Lawrence wins Putnam Fellow title for second year By Wesley Yu STAFF WRITER For the first time since 2004, the Caltech Putnam team rose to a top five ranking in the 2008 William Lowell Putnam Competition, a national college mathematics competition. The other colleges in the top five were Harvard Princeton, MIT, and Stanford. Awards were given on the basis of scores on the Putnam exam administered in December last year. Teams placing in the top five earn awards ranging from $5,000 to $25,000 for their school's math departments. The Caltech team consisted of Jason Bland, Zarathustra "Zeb" Brady, and Brian Lawrence. Brian, a sophomore in Avery House, was named a Putnam Fellow for the second year in a row. The title of Putnam Fellow is conferred on the top five scorers of the competition and is considered an indication of extraordinary mathematical talent. Fellows receive a cash prize of considered for the William Lowell Putnam Prize Scholarship, a full scholarship to Harvard including a $12,000 stipend. Jason Bland, sophomore in Ruddock who was named a Fellow last year, was ranked in the top 25 students taking the Individual Honorable Mentions were awarded to Yakov Berchenko-Kogan, Sam Elder, Gjergji Zaimi, and Benjamin Zax. Individual Honorable Mention indicates a rank anywhere from 25 to 74 on the exam. A Putnam Team consists of three students chosen to represent a college before the 1n December. Team members take the Putnam individually and the team's score is the sum of the ranks of the team members on the individual exam. Teams are ranked from lowest score to highest. For example, a team consisting members ranked 7, 10, and 32 on the individual exam would have a score of 49 and would be ranked lower than a team with members ranked 11, 12, and 21. This system puts most weight on the team's lowest DUIe One team member felt that the team could have done better. "I barely missed honorable mention. They grade much more harshly than I anticipated [...], but luckily Brian is amazing and made up for me," said Zeb, the freshman member of the Caltech team. But the math department is really excited by the team's performance and the number of individuals from Caltechreceiving recognition. The team's success "continues last year's upward trend [and] underlines the quality of the student body we have at Caltech," according to Professor Matthias Flach, the Executive Officer for Mathematics. SFC will have more specific proposals SFC, FROM PAGE 1 the door to making innovative changes and creative solutions, as noted by President Jean-Lou Chameau in his December 8 letter to parents and students. According Tsay, "the Honor Code Task Force will be proposing ASCIT bylaw changes, Undergraduate Research will be unveiling their informative online Guide to Research for Undergraduates, many option committees are updating major requirements and restructuring the curriculum." Some faculty members are also looking forward to the conference as an opportunity to see how they can improve life for students. "I think the SFC does play an important role at Caltech, since it provides a periodic opportunity to evaluate all facets of academic life from a broad perspective, with both students and faculty,' Professor Doug Rees, who serves on the Chemistry SFC Panel. The SFC will be from 8AM to 4:30 PM. Breakfast and lunch will be served. Some classes have been canceled to allow students to attend. Webcasts may lower class attendance WEBCAST, FROM PAGE 1 Concerns of the last included worries that group online lectures would lead to a drop class endance. and unal an online lecture was not a full . Sarma hopes that the webcasting program will "add to the value to the lecture." "A lot of students already don't come to class," he said. Professor Daniel Meiron, who teaches ACM95c, said that people skipping class did not really bother him, and that he aims to make "as much of the material available as possible." He is one of the few professors who makes class notes available online. "I treat people as adults and leave it up to the students how they want to learn," said Meiron. "For some people lectures are not as helpful." NEWS THE CALIFORNIA TECH Core slowly getting a second look By Casey Jao STAFF WRITER Do you have a problem with Core? The Core Curriculum Task Force (CCTF) continues to conduct a sweeping review of the undergraduate core curneurum. commonly called Core. Although the committee was formed back in early October, the committee distributed a survey on Core to faculty less than three weeks ago. "We've had a few frustrations for sure," said Dubin, referring to the protracted debate on the survey questions. But now she is "pretty happy" with the way things are going. The CCTF will run a forum at this year's Student-Faculty Conference on April 6th. In the following weeks, the CCTF will explore how other schools realize the notion that all students should graduate with a common knowledge base. According to Brown, few places besides Caltech require all students to take a specific set of courses. MIT specifies a set of general science requirements but lets students choose from a variety of courses that satisfy each requirement. The committee will also review the scientific literature on effective teaching and discuss ways to implement those findings. Brown hopes to publish the committee's recommendations by next fall and that they will be implemented by the following fall. "It's a tight schedule, but I think we can do it," said Brown. Nonetheless, this is a "huge task" for which one can never have too much time. The History The CCTF last convened approximately ten years ago and helped add Bi 1 and the Menu requirement to Core. Ten years nelore Unal the CCTF recommended to decrease the number of mandatory math and phsics terms from six to tve Current CCTF faculty co-chair Mike Brown calls these changes mere "tweaking" This year's committee will address specifics such as those, but will also ask what Brown deems more undamenlai questions, suen as Core should even exist; how to incorporate research into Core; and how to improve teaching quality. "We have a really huge charge," said committee member Andrea Dubin, a senior. Chemistry Professor Nate Lewis named top 100 by Rolling Stone By Anna Hispanski STAFF WRITER In its latest issue, Rolling Stone named the "100 People Who Are Changing America," and Caltech Chemistry Professor Nate Lewis came out #17 on the list. The eclectic list is comprised of entertainers, musicians, politicians, scientists, technology and business leaders, and writers. Rolling Stone wrote that the list "is not necessarily about power in the old-fashioned sense but about the power of ideas, the power of innovation, the power of making people think and making them move." Lewis is the highest ranking scientist on the list and even one-upped former Vice-president Al Gore, who took the #18 spot. The magazine recognized Lewis for his research work in solar cells and involvement in renewable energy. Among the other names in the top twenty of the list are President Obama, took the who #1 spot, Google Founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin (#2), actress-comedian Tina Fey (#8), and videogame creator Shigeru Miyamoto (#13). How does Professor feel Lewis abou une honor-and about being beat by Tina Fey? "She's so cool!" said Lewis "She and Bono (#4) are invited to my lab anytime." Caltech adds the Bioengineering major to catalogue for next year Photo from wate Lewis researen page By June Zhang STAFF WRITER Starting in the 2009-2010 school year, students will have the opportunity to major in Bioengineering (BE). This major is designed to prepare students for graduate engineering research "inspired by" biological systems, according to the new catalogue description. "Caltech undergrads have been clamoring for an undergraduate bioengineering program for some time, " said Professor Niles Pierce, the Executive Officer and Option Representative of Bioengineering. "In April of 2007, it really caught my attention during my first month as Executive Officer when a survey taken for the Student-Faculty Conference suggested that about 10% of the Caltech student body would major in bioengineering if the opportunity existed." A planning committee that includes Professors Anand Asthagiri, John Dabiri, Richard Murray, Niles Pierce, Jerry Pine, and Changhuel Yang drafted the curriculum. March, Recently in the Caltech Curriculum Committee and the Faculty Board approved the requirements for a BE degree. The requirements ask students to take five specific BE courses as well as courses in Biology, Chemistry, ACM, CS, and laboratory courses. In addition, students much choose to take 72 units from either one out of three tracks (Devices, Mechanics, Synthetic biology) or from an independent track approved by the Bioengineering Committee. In Undergraduate addition Caltech's core, the BE students will have to complete at least 486 units. The Devices track focuses on preparing students for research in developing devices for the manipulation and alarysis of biological systems, the Mechanics track focuses Oll transferring concepts from biological forces and flows to systems, and non-biological the Synthetic biology track emphasizes studies involving biological circuits In response Caltech's launching of the BE major, Talia Weiss, currently majoring in Chemical Engineering, said, "The major [BE] looks really good, and has a lot of interesting courses required, which I wouldn't be able to take in the ChE major. Just the opportunity to get a grounding the biological applications of Mechanical Engineering and Electrical Engineering is really fascinating and truthfully what I always wanted to do." The major is scheduled to appear appear in the upcoming catalogue. In comparison, MIT added a bioengineering major in 2005. THE CALIFORNIA TECH SPORTS Water polo women suffer another loss Fencers take home medals In photos Two qualify for national competition in July By Shannon Mohler STAFF WRITER By Shannon Mohler STAFF WRITER The woman's water polo game on Monday against Maca-lester resulted in another loss for Caltech, making their current record 0-4. The team had a rather shaky start as Macalester took an early lead, outscoring Caltech 6-0 in the hrst quarter. In the second quarter, Caltech began to play tougher defense and managed to hold the opposing team to only eight points for the first half. In the third quarter, Caltech stepped up the offense some- what, protecting the ball and making safer passes, giving the team more shot attempts. These attempts included two by senior Lori Spalsbury and two by senior Mary Dorman, one of which resulted in a score. The continued tough defense allowed the Beavers to make a couple steals, keeping Macal- ester at only three points for this quarter. During the fourth cuarter freshman Caitlin Regan managed to take possession of the ball during the sprint at the beginning of the quarter, but the team was unable to score. Again, the Beavers kept Ma-calester to two points during the quarter, ending the game with a loss of 13-1. After success against other NCAA schools in the region and at the Notre Dame Invitational on February 7 and 8, nine members of the Caltech fencing team qualified for the NCAA West Regional at Stanford University that was held on March 7. 'These mine qualifying team members included at least one with each different weapon. These team members are Dave Romney, Micha Fireman, and Nate Moris-son, who qualified in men's sabre, Vanessa Burns and Laura Decker in woman's sabre, Aaron Wilkows-ki and Eric Minton in men's epee, and Andrea Dubin and Sarah Hunt in woman's foil. Of special note are the two women's saberists, Vanessa Burns, who placed third, and Laura Deck-er, who placed fourth. In addition to NCAA fencing, some team members participate in tournaments held by the US Fencing Association (the USFA). Participants in these tournaments can be of any age from 10 to 70+ and do not have to be affiliated with a specific college. At the Southern California re-gional, Micha Fireman placed third in the men's competition, and Vanessa Burns placed second in the women's. Both now qualify for the national competition held in Texas in July. Coaches Michael D'Asaro and Carla Corbit are both excited with the efforts of the team this year and the strides it made. As senior Micha Fireman pointed out, "Fencing is a great sport because there's a lot of opportunity for both team and individual accomplishment and because people with different athletic abilities can do it; there's no one fundamental requirement... Plus, there are always upsets and unexpected victo-ries. There's never really a clear-cut underdog." QUANTUM Quantum Hoops, the documentary of the hapless Caltech basketball team attempting to break a 21-year losing streak, is set air on KCET local PBS on Saturday, April 4th at 10pm and again on Sunday, April 5th at 3:30pm. Upcoming Games April 3, 2009 Men's and Women's Tennis at Whittier April 8, 2009 Women's Water Polo vs. Claremont-M-S April 3, 2009 Baseball vs. La Verne April 9, 2009 Women's Water Polo vs. Cal St. East Bay April 4, 2009 Track and Field vs. Pomona Pitzer Invite Pomona Pitzer April 10, 2009 Baseball vS. Redlands Preview April 4, 2009 Men's and Women's Tennis vs. Pomona-Pitzer April 10, 2009 Women's Tennis vs. La Sierra April 11, 2009 Track and Field April 4, 2009 vS. SCIAC Multi Duals @ Whittier Women's Water Polo vs. La Verne April 4, 2009 Baseball at La Verne April 11, 2009 Men's Tennis vs. La Verne April 4, 2009 Women's Water Polo vs. Chapman April 11, 2009 Baseball at Redlands APRIL 2, 2009 7 At Caltech's ME 72 Engineering Design Contest called "Amphibious Clean-up", teams of students built robots that could collect ping pong balls floating in Millikan pond and deposit them onto the shore, in the face of opposing teams. The winner was team "Newt N' Salamander" with my Kevin Noertker and Marc Sells, shown above. Caltech pitcher Rob Rosenberg winds up for his next pitch over spring break The Weekly Scoreboard Baseball March 24, vs Principia, L 15-3 March 26, vs Simpson, L 6-2 and L 10-8 Women's Water Polo March 28, at Redlands, L 17-0 March 29, at Chapman, L 24-1 April 1, at Occidental, L 19-1 Men's Tennis March 21, vs Amherst, L 9-0 March 22, vs Pacific (Oregon), L 7-2 Women's Tennis March 22, vs Lewis and Clark, L 6-0 March 23, vs Mills, L 7-2 8 THE CALIFORNIA TECH Dr. Smart Dear Dr. Smart, My roommate keeps trying to feed me McDonalds, morning and noon and night. This is very strange. I'm not sure I trust him. How should I act? Sincerely, Fed Up Roomie Clearly your roommate hates you. He's trying to get rid of you. The best thing for you to do is to get up, stand up, and fight back. T'he easiest way to do this is to get rid of him before he gets rid of you. Kick him out before he has a chance to explain himself. Report domestic abuse. "Dear Caltech housing. Every night when he comes back from lab, my roommate proceeds to beat me senseless with a sock filled with money. Then he tells me I'm no longer pretty and nobody will love me. Then he orders me to make dinner. So I slave away at the stove for hours on end and when I've finished he says he's eating out. If I say the food will get cold, he beats me with his belt. And my brother can't help me because he was gunned down at the toll both the last time I was beaten. I can't live with this man anymore. He's making me feel like less of a man." Remember: McDonald's has never been the beginning of a good story. Sincerely, Dr. Smart Dear Dr. Smart, I want my two friends on damage control to wear blinking LED headbands 180 degrees out of phase but they won't comply. Signed, Sketchy McSketcherson Well tough luck. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. If your buddies already have these LED headbands, well that's cool. But if they don't want to take the time to synch up the flashes, that's their decision. Your problem is that you expect people to listen to what you say just because you think it would be cool. Well here's the thing: you're not cool. If you want to be cool, stop acting like you own everybody. You don't own. You suck. So take a deep breath, slap yourself a few times, dunk your head in Milikan Pond, slap yourself some more, and get back to work. Maybe in time you will learn to suck less. And if by some miracle you find that you don't have much work, go do research on how to suck less. Consider Dabrowski's theory of positive disintegration. In your case, it essentially means that you have a long way to go before you are in any position to tell people what to do. As opposed to me. I can tell people to do whatever 1 want. Sine Error Our Kind Echenlaub Hey guys. vnars coine ont I'm new around here. Want to hang out later? So what do camels do , for fun around riese Jarls, nul: Names rnil. lust movea Il down the dune a ways. Always looking to make a new friend. Hey over here. HEY, YOU GUYS!! bigworisa (actual e-mail) we ted the cal textooks for you. "I saved SOOOOO much money by using bigwords.com! BW-01 My textbooks would have been well over $500 just from my researching multiple sites, but bigwords.com saved me time and money. I went to one site, bought all my books, and only paid around $200!" - Chandler from Georgia Institute of Technology BE SMARTER 35%-45% cheaper oh averaine stores 50% cheaper than bookstores on averagea Va ves rien ut shippinline stores. BW/s HUMOR APRIL 2, 2009 MASTER'S PROGRAM IN FINANCE A new approach, a new program. Applications are now being accepted. If you are a leade interested in a career in finance, consider our innovativ one-year degree program that will begin Fall 2009 • Focused finance curriculum • Leadership oriented co-curricular activities • Generous merit-based scholarships • World class faculty • Dedicated career service specialist " Extensive and engaged alumni network For more information, or to apply, please visit www.emc.edu/rdsgraduate/finance, or contact us at RDSchool@Claremontmckenna.edu. R THE ROBERT DAY SCHOOL OF ECONOMICS AND FINANCE CLAREMONT MCKENNA COLLEGE 500 E. NINTH STREET, CLAREMONT, CA 91711 TEL: 909-607-3347 Comics What to call your Professor Have they said you can call them by their first name? Yeah My Prof. is totally cool. Do they cringe when you call them by their first name? Less than 4 years How many years have you worked for them? "What is the opposite of favorite?" No Uh, a little Are you their favorite student? Then they didn't really mean it. Start over. (it's kind of:........ irrelevant) More than 4 years He has a favorite? HEY THERE, Have you gotten drunk with him/her at a conference? Yes If you haven't noticed, it's probably you (grrr) ; Golden Boy/Girl. Are they from California? No Dude... Congrats! You're on a first-name basis with your Professor! JORGE CHAM © 2009 Can you think of a word that's less formal than "Prof./Dr but not as disrespectful as using their first name (kind of like "Dad" with your father)? No Neither can we. Proceed with extreme caution. Wait, are you an underarad? Undergrads must never call Professors by their first name It's just weird. WWW.PHDCOMICS.COM Ph.D Comics by Jorge Cham - www.phdcomics.com prefrosh fullname Marcos Lopez Joy Lu Jeff Lu Victoria Lu Kai Ma Tuling Ma Tim Macdonald Steve Macke Vishnu Manoranjan Sean Maroongroge Grant Mathews Laura Matloff Matthew Mayers Maura Mayock Prefrosh Weekend Dining Schedule Host Fullname House/Thursday Dinner Friday Dinner Dabney Dabney Lloyd Fleming Avery prefrosh fullname Hunter Sceats Chris Schuch Becca Schutzengel Stephen Schwee Host Fullname Fleming Blacker Avery Page Ruddock Ben Flora Pete Buhler Katie Brennan Ruslan Kurdyumov James McClellan Keshav Sapatnekar Dallin Akagi Austin Moehle Travis Haussler Page A very Fleming Avery Lloyd Page Ricketts nian Dabney Page Lloyd Avery Page Ricketts Dabney Ricketts Blacker Page Lloyd Avery Fleming Fleming Jie He House/Thursday Dinner 2 Joshua " Sly Li Joy Lin Matt Yu Eric Li er N ski Samson THE CALIFORNIA TECH FAKE NEWS APRIL FOOLS, 2009 More Core for Honor Code Violators By Oh Darn STAFF WRITER The Board of Control (BOC) announced this week that it will be drastically revamping its policies toward honor code Molatons In response to allegations that the system is "soft on crime, the BOC has instated a series of punishments for all students caught cheating. "In the past, we used our time- honored system of Nullifying the Advantage' and "Protecting the Community' when we dealt with students caught cheating," said Chris Whelan, a BOC Co Secretary who wished to remain "We adamantly opposed any sort or direct punishment for honor code violations, considering them to be contrary to the ideals of the Honor Code itself." The new system will still utilize non-Math Majors, and Math 2b the full resources of the Board of (Probability and Statistics) for Control to determine whether any pure mathematicians. honor code violations have taken. Eric Mintun, a Lloyd Junior, Then BOC will decide on the said that "these new regulations severity of the violation, grouping take all the fun out of cheating it into one of four categories, When I only had to worry about and then assign "punishment" a mandatory term away from based on that category, and on Caltech, the BOC was no big the student in question. All of the deal; heck, it gave the chance to punishments involve the striking take a break. But now with the of a CORE class from a students' threat of sitting through Math la transcript. again, there's no way I'm going For example, a Level One to risk it. violation might be punishable When asked why repeating by the removal of a freshman CORE was chosen as these new lab course from the transcript, punishments, Whelan said "We forcing a student to retake the course. wicicas Level decided that the threatof [repeating CORE] would have the strongest might require a student to redo deterrent value." He concluded a freshman humanity or social with this warning: "For all you science. Level Three violations crazy Techers planning to cheat universally prescribed the retaking to retake some of your CORE of Chem 3a on grades, and Level Four classes, our rules are flexible, violations necessitated and we let the punishment fit the the repeat of Math la for all crime.." 900: average cost of textbooks BESMARTER 50%3 BIGWORDS.com avg savings bigworisgu We don't sell textbooks. We find the cheapest ones for you 35%-45% cheaper than online stores on average* #BIGWORDS est price wiser 50% cheaper than bookstores on averagea The Infamous Leopard Escaped, Oh My! By Scaredy Pants STAFF WRITER There are many places underground that in the very first week in school we learn to avoid Shadow lands, for its pitch dark atmosphere and random pieces of metal sticking up through the floor, the round tunnels, where Big Brother is always watching, and the leopard. Throughout the tunnels, one often sees the warning graffiti, left by upperclassmen of years past in order to warn all who wander: "Beware the Leopard." Before last Friday, some will know, the leopard was properly contained, caged in Hell down a steep set of stairs, the chain prevenuls decess nevel removeu by the wise students who tread the underground. Unfortunately, this is no longer the case. Margaret Trenor, a member of the prolific Caltech Undergraduate Society for Illegitimate Tours, recently informed the Tech that while making rounds this past weekend, she dreadfully noticed that the chain preventing access to Hell was unchained. "At first, I hoped that some daredevil was currentv down there, perhaps to see the supposed famous mural, or just to taunt the leopard," she reported in earnest. "But, when I went down there to check, the leopard was gone." Already there have been some scattered reports of seeing the leopard throughout the tunnel system. All students attempting to use the underground should be proceed with great caution. Thank You, Prefrosh, for Flowers By Huh? STAFF WRITER Most Caltech students eventually learn that the blooming of flowers across campus herald the imminent arrival of a swarm of prefrosh. However, contrary "scientific" or "logical" explanations from the nay-sayers nearby "laboratories, the flowers don't bloom while the prefrosh are here. They bloom because the prefrosh are here. It is a well known scientific fact that curious Jc w arrivals will occasionally "stop and smell the roses," and in the process, carry small bits of pollen across campus. This pollen is then deposited on another flower. Given the sheer number of prefrosh arriving on campus at the same time, these particular "new arrivals" became significant pollenizers. This indisputably demonstrates that the flowers bloom at this time of year due to sheer evolutionary expedience; the flowers don't bother to attract bees when the pretrosh come straight to them On different note, due • recent budget constrants Caltech groundskeepers will be forced to discontinue their time honored practice of painting the roses red. They have asked for our understanding and apologize for any beheadings that may occur. Zombie Feynman Rises From the Dead Wins Teaching Award By Physics STAFF WRITER Feynman rose from the dead last Tuesday after a 21-year sabbatical. His reanimation was the product of several years of discreet research led by Kip Thorne on the roof of Millikan Library. "When we realized the school's nances were troubled decided to spend all of our money trying bringing Dick back from the dead." explained Thorne "We've had to cut back a little on other university expenses to make this nightmarish occult dream a reality. The administration was quick to award zombie Feynman the prestigious "Richard P. Feynman Prize for Excellence in Teaching" and the ARC announced it was preemptively awarding him au ASCIT Teaching Award. The Nobel Committee which does not normally award posthumous prizes iS rumored be reconsidering him. Feynman's returns has been hailed as a major coup for the university and director of admissions Roger Wendall believes it will boost female yields by as much as 30%. "We're calendars making pin-up with pictures of the studliest professors to handout out to female prefrosh. Now we can shoot zombie Feynman and a shirtless Rob Phillips playing Millikan pond" Wendall. explained 1S unclear wnat classes zombie Feynman will be teaching, but some have suggested having the undead professor teach all of Caltech core. "Not having to sleep, eat or feel human emotions will mean that Feynman will have time to lecture 81 hours a week. He is a one man core-machine." announced Thorne at Feynman's unveiling When told that he was leaking puss onto the stage, Feynman quipped in his usually flippant manner, "whatever." The California Tech Caltech 40-58 Pasadena, CA 91125