California Tech, v. 301:eiπ, Octember 22, 1999

VOLUME XX> NUMBER ein inside "In the Bubble, no one can hear you scream." PASADENA, CALIFORNIA Fire Nazis must die! BY TED Q. RIVETTE You may have noticed a change in the lounges recently. Many of the couches have been moved from their traditional abodes in order to accommodate the fire safety codes. The chief of the Pasadena fire department explained, "This furniture is really quite dangerous - it doesn't only block the hallway. It can also make impassible smoke. I don't have a choice: this is against code. And the furniture must be purified for the Fatherland!" Another complaint of the chief was that there was too much black and other colored upholstery. "We should have pure white couches - the Master Race of couches," he com-mented, then walked away, performing a straight-arm salute to punctuate the end of his sen-tence. The Pasadena Fire department has offered to take away the old "inferior" couches, either to be "washed" or put to work as furniture in Siberia. The Fire department has already hired a number of people to act on the General Esthetic and Safety Task Association and Patrol Operation, or GESTAPO. The GESTAPO will walk through the houses and immediately remove anything found to be below their exacting stan-dards. Said one member, "We don't want anything manufactured by Jews or Gypsies." The GESTAPO may also perform periodic unannounced inspections of rooms to check the smoke detectors. "Raids' is such a strong word. These are for your own safety. Naturally, we would also have to remove any unsafe or inferior furniture from the rooms." The PFD says that it is true the lounges look bare without any decoration. They have suggested several ideas for banner in place of couches, including iron eagles, large swastikas, and pictures of the fire chief's face. The chief also hopes to raise fire safety awareness with a handpicked Safety Society (SS). He has been drilling them on the proper method of helping people think responsibly. "They look good, goose-stepping in those high boots and tan uniforms," beamed the chief. The PFD chief concluded the interview by announcing "I am the Führer of the new lounge!" Mars Society political drive stumbles Shannon bested by landslide "No" vote BY TED P. RIVETTE "I'm sure that with enough saturation propaganda and In a surprise showing by the undergraduate student body, Derek Shannon was denied the position of Upperclassman Director at Large. The vote came in with an overwhelming number in favor of "No," a fine contender in any single-party race. Shannon, one of the more prominent political figures of the day, was shocked with the outcome but persistent in his future hopes. He offered the comment, impromt discourse the entire student body will eventually agree with me on the merits of Mars exploration and on my appointment as ASCIT UDAL." Shannon is also the spokesman for his political party, the Mars Society. Other members of the party expressed outrage at the outcome and vowed to increase their efforts. Many renewed their tithings to Shannon after the defeat, vowing to take "No," winner of the election more units and write more Mars-related papers in the near future. Most of the uninvolved and totally apathetic undergraduates had virtually no comment about the matter. One did offer the re-mark: "Well, I just couldn't vote for a guy I didn't know who argues for a cause that I just don't care about." Next year brings new curriculum offerings BY TED S. RIVETTE medieval engineering, with the of the current senior class. As hope of more changes on the one Ricketts Hovse senior of- In a long-awaited move, the Faculty Board has finally released their recommendations for improving undergraduate life at Caltech. Not surprisingly, one of the top recommendations on the list included expanding the cultural opportunities for Caltech undergrads. In response to this, a coalition of Dr. Chris Brennen, Jenijoy LaBelle, Dean Revel, and selected Old Pas businesses have proposed the addition of several new classes to the Caltech catalog. The new additions include offerings in anthro-pology, pagan theology, and way. fered, "I've been waiting all my Dr. Brennen expressed his enthusiasm over the new offer-ings: "We feel these new classes will expand the Caltech curriculum in directions it's been historically lacking." Dr. Brennen especially offered enthusiasm for a few classes in particular, "I'm especially proud of our pioneering series, Sx labc." The somewhat controversial class will cover diverse topics in human reproduction and will be titled "Theory of Procreation" in the upcoming catalog. The class will start being offered first term next year, much to the dismay life for this moment. I feel the knowledge and techniques this class and its lab course offer are truly the most applicable skills I could have learned at Caltech." Other undergraduates also praise the additional classes, especially offering their support to Sx 1. One sophomore could only say, "It's the absolute best in stress reduction, or at least that's what my friends back home tell me." While the majority of the Caltech student body seem supportive of the new measures, PLEASE SEE SEX ED ON PAGE 2 22ND OF OCTEMBER, 1999 spotlight on ?EJ? fuTure l Hum Profs language fun ? interrogative? Newspaper > story inside ? exclamation? see page two ?imperative? entertainment watch Goodstein: The next Flying Nun Supervillain? The Tech gets the inside story. see page five international news Zewail: Our carefully chosen board of professionals has selected our new International Terrorist of the Week. see page five freshman life Glomming: Our experts in the field reveal all the tips and techniques you need to perform a successful glom. see page ein estimated number of frosh who will... LLam Get BoCed Graduate Blacker Dabney Fleming Lloyd Page Ricketts Ruddock You Know wao you are Inside the Inside the ... Inside World The Usual Features Damn Lies Stupid Lies "Filler" Complex . 5i Sex Mouse, Homogenized ...3 ASCIT Movies .. Dean October 22, 1999 COFFEEHOUSE SCANDAL BREAKS BY TED U. RIVETTE Pasadena (AP) - Three men were arrested Saturday as they attempted to break into the headquarters of the Coffeehouse in the Student Activities Center, security guards re-ported. Security described the men as "a professional ring" and identified the individuals as ASCIT officers Baldeep Sadhal, Alan Rosenwinkel, and Daniel Abrams. Several pieces of furniture and construction-related documents were recovered from the possession of the three Possibly the most dangerous scandal to the Caltech community of all time, this was not just a "third-rate burglary," as Baldeep Sadhal called it. The burglary led investigators to a host of crimes committed by ASCIT president Sadhal and his men: break-ins, illegal wiretaps, conspiracy to obstruct the honor code, attempts to use the Caltech Credit Union to punish political opponents and liberal critics in the press, and corruption of Caltech Security. Police have identified the motive behind this series of crimes as an attempt to prevent the Coffeehouse from ever re-opening, in hopes that Caltech undergrads will be encouraged to sleep during the night. When interrogated, ASCIT president Baldeep Sadhal stated, "I'm tired of staying up past my bedtime." Apparently, the absence of an all-night source of caffeine and glucose would reduce the on-campus sleep deprivation rates signifi-cantly. For the past four weeks since school started, Caltech students have been immeasurably set back in their studies due to the caffeine shortage caused by the lack of a proper Cof-feehouse. Damages are estimated to be on the order of 51 credits, and a record number of Freshmen have been until now inexplicably not passing a large quantity of their classes. Now that all documents essential to the completion of Coffeehouse renovation have been recovered, the Coffeehouse can be once again expected to remain indefinitely closed. 2 2 ?blatant lies? Caltech hums to use new EJ language BY TED C. RIVETTE Corelab requirement. Com- fusing aspects of English such mented a faculty spokesman for as non-phonetic spellings, hom- Yesterday the Humanities and Social Sciences department announced its new plan for freshman humanities courses: teaching English JuniorM. "English JuniorM is much like regular English, only simplified some," said the chair of the department. The HSS department believes that EJ, as it has come to be known, will be a good introductory course to the language for scientifically oriented people at Caltech. EJ was developed by a group of Caltech professors wishing to make English available to a broader class of people. "The idea came when we heard about the great success of Ebonics," said the team's leader. The group hopes to be able to publish a study on how well students learn EJ. Caltech faculty think that EJ will fit in nicely with the new the Core Committee, "Students onyms, and the semi-colon," can learn English in a gradual enthused a Caltech literature curve, starting basic, then work- professor. "prEsent EJ good ing their way up to an article-length paper within two years." ?exclamation?" However, EJ is not without its A Sample EJ Essay critics. Some claim that the language is too simple for Caltech prEsent students, and they are ready to write English like grown-up people. Another criticism in- volves some of the conventions box Epstein of Type subject declare object Sentence begin in EJ. EJ involves no tenses - instead one declares the tense of the sentence at the beginning of the sentence, capitalizing the third letter of the word. There Epstein confuse ? truth ? pl. Student fear doubleplus EJ != good ? rhetoric? are also no question marks any-more, the symbol instead being clause used to make clarifying comments in the sentence, such as if it contains irony or is a com- Tech work you ? imperative? mand But the administration stands end firm in its support of English Junior. "It eliminates many con- SACIT Minutes Meeting of the Board of Principates (BoP) of the Students Association of Caltech (SACIT). Present: the BoP, minus Dany. Meeting called to order whenever it was. The order is a cheeseburger and large fries. Dealing with Guests Franios politely asks if he we could get someone to fix the SACIT copier. Allen beats him unconscious with his big bad BoC nightstick. Tom, the SACIT movies chair, asks for money so that he can do his job. The BoP cowers before his magnificence and promises to meet all his demands. He flies away on his mighty chariot of lightening. Project Reports SACIT party - Garett reported that last week's SACIT party was a huge suc-cess. Both attendees had a good time. Coffeehovse of ill repute - Baldep says that it will be open next Monday. All that needs to be done is to find a contractor and have them refurbish it. Web Project — Baldep says that the web project is going "just fine." The BoP also admires his new $8000 laptop computer. IHC rules - Jaidep says that we are not worth his time. He then praises the many virtues of Krispy Kreme Doughnuts Core Curriculum news - Mervin mutters something incomprehensible about almost breaking down and listening to the voices in his head. Dany wanders in, dead drunk. He starts signing checks out to Napoleon Bonepart and George Washington. A random passerby says that "Derk really sucks and should be cancelled." The BoP votes and unanimously agrees. Election - there may or may not be an election sometime if we ever feel like going by procedure and announcing it, and if anyone signs up who could win against "No." Meeting closed sometime so that we can all go do things we actually care about. The BoP doesn't give Tom his funding because we just don't feel like it. Aren't we sneaky? "Respectfully" submitted, Hannah SACIT Secretary ASCIT Performance Percent completed* 100 90 80 70 50 40 30 20 10 0 • Coffee House (actual) Coffee House (predicted) * Web Project (actual) * Web Project (predicted) - Baldeep's Bank Account *(in dollars) Weeks since Budget was passed ASCIT's latest estimates for this quarter's embezzlement The Inside World SEX ED... CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 there are a few dissenting opin-ions. Curtis Smith, a current sophomore, could only com-ment, "Although I like the attempt at new things to make me happy, I'm not sure this is the right approach." Others agreed, with such comments as "I really don't like touching people." Most fresh- men seemed to be under the opinion that the opposite gender still bore such fanciful contagions as "cooties." Despite the misgivings, the faculty are giving the new approach a go, with most of the new courses premiering next year. The course Sx la will have a preregistration cap of twenty, and the first lecture will be a general overview of the practical side of the subject given by Jean-Paul Revel. THE CALIFORNA TECH Caltech 40-58, Pasadena, CA 91125 editorial desk: (626) 395-6153 advertising desk: (626) 395-6154 editorial email: editors@tech.caltech.edt advertising email: adv@tech.caltech.edu BLAH BLAH BLAH FEB 29, 3010 EDITOR David Guskin BUSINESS MANAGER Ted Rivette ADVERTISING MANAGER Naty Isdae CIRCULATION STAFF Roger O'Brient Kick Karnesky SPORTs EDITOR Tim Raub Gerald Palmos CoMIcs EDITOR Kenneth Kuo PHOTOGRAPHER Erik bil Kudah Mushamh Roger O'Brient Copy EDITORS Nicholas breen FEaTurE WRITERs Kon Doller Justin Ho Daisy James Jason Meltzer Jean-Paul Revel Adam Villani CONTRIBUTOR. Elisa Chiang Erik Dill Hannah Kim Shanti Rac Kevin Scaldiferri Shannon Stewmat Tanya Tickel STAFF WRITERS Cheryl Forest MINTS Loren Hoffman ADVISER Hall Daily DEADLINES Unsolicited Articles Tubusnee weekly execol dunne vacatio and examination periods by the Associated students of the California Institute of Technology. Inc. The opinions expressed herein are strictly those of the autors and duvertser I cuers ane announcements are welcome All contributions should include the author s nam and phone number and the intended date of publica-Submit copy (preferably on Macintosh 3.5" disk to the tech matibox outside one 100m 4, 01 the right to edit and abridge all submissions for lit- ot the autors. nomors ane co tellectual property rights Advertising should be submitted as camera ready art, hut the Tech can also de simple typeser-ting and arrangement should he directed to the business manager. emall. please use busess@rech.camecn.eau. 1ono send ad inquiries to the editor: For subscription information, please send mail Printed by News-Type Service, Glendale. We live for the One. We die for the On The Inside World 3 irony? S Aries March 21 - April 19 You will come to the realization that you should never have removed that tag from your mattress. Taurus April 20 - May 20 Tonight, at 11:35, you will develop an inexplicable desire to work on a problem set that is not due until Monday. A helpful gremlin will come by a whack you on the head with a 5 foot piece of PVC. The gremlin will then perfom Tchaikovsky's Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy on a kazoo. Gemini May 21 - June 21 Don't read the rest of these horoscopes! You will spontaneously combust like the Mayor of Warsaw in 1496 if you read the horoscope for Libra. Cancer June 22 - July 22 Today is a good day for you. Unfortunately, you have already missed all the good bits. Well, almost all the good bits. There's still that hilarious bit where Lister's Confidence and Paranoia become real. Leo July 23 - Aug. 22 The Sun is in Libra, the Moon is in Pisces. You've got the urge, but you shouldn't splurge. Wait until tomorrow to do that. Sometimes you can follow a hunch, but that's not recommended now. If you want to give a gift, fine. If you want a good Aug 23 - Sept. 22 You are lucky in love today. Yes, even here at Caltech. Don't ask me how I know you're at Caltech- I know everything. Gemini look favor-able, but they're all dead now. Be careful when cleaning up their ash. People (like all organic ma-terials) produce a chemical when burnt that is known to the State of California to cause cancer, birth defects, and reproductive damage. horoscopes Scorpio Oct. 24 - Nov. 21 Amount Per Serving Calories 90 Calories from fat 30 Total Fat 3g Saturated Fat 0g Cholesterol 0mg Sodium 300mg Total Carbohydrate 13g Dietary Fiber 3g Sugars 3g Protein 3g %Daily Value* 5% 0% 0% 13% 4% 12% 2% 2% Sagittarius Nov. 22 - Dec. 21 Tomorrow you will wake up, like you have every other morning of your life, except for those mornings when you stayed up for ASCIT doughnuts and didn't get them. Your feelings of anger will drag down an otherwise pretty rotten day. Mmm... donoughts. Capricorn Dec. 22 - Jan. 19 You will flame out. Twice. Aquarius Jan. 20 - Feb. 18 Pasadena, California: Friday: Mostly clear. Highs in the 80s to around 90s. Lows in the mid 40s to mid 50s. Temperatures and clear skies to continue throughout the weekend until early next week. Feb. 19 - Mar. 20 The future is whatever you make of it. It stretches before you like an unwritten book, just waiting for you to spill ink on it. Although, no one really uses ink wells anymore, do they? I suppose if your Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that your future is determined with absolute certainty and free-will is an illusion. You will be guilible and read this setence. See how easy it is. *Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calo- 10 seconds ago, this was a mouse. BlendCo Blenders We make homogenizers... and that's all!™ October 21, 1999 International Terrorist • of the week • Ahkmed Zewail In a surprise move this week, the current titan of International Terrorism, Flannagan Murphy, was ousted by a split-second pulse while riding his limo out of Dublin this week. The event was claimed to be caused by such nefarious rivals as the Gang of Twenty, the Free Idaho Freemen, the CIA, and Dr. Kevorkian. With some Pulitzer-pandering investigative work, however, the Inside World has tracked the actual culprit to our current International Terrorist of the Week, Ahkmed Zewail. Dr. Zewail is known throughout the world for his savage yet sophisticated acts of violence and mayhem. The motive for his recent exploit seems to be a longtime feud over terrorist collabo-ration, or as his press release puts it: "whether to bond quickly or not." His nomination for this esteemed international award was certainly put on the forefront by his latest acts, yet it is supported by a long tradition of cutting edge terrorism. As Theodore Rivette, chairman of the ITOTW committee put it, "Ahkmed has long been a strong contender for the prize, but it was this beautiful act, culminating a long string of insider connections and strong political play, that finally set us over the top." The decision was lauded by Zewail's supporters, and even a few detractors. One of his former lackeys, George Hasenbroot, could only comment, "You really must respect a man who's ruthless enough to dispose of all shreds of humanity, instilling fear and loathing into the poor lackeys that work for him." Such sentiment was echoed by his underground lab's spokesper-son, Abe Xia: "Though I cannot say I always appreciate the tough love of Ahmed calling in from Egypt at 3 a.m. to make sure everyone's in lab, you have to respect an SOB who can pull it off with such style." This award has been cited as a culmination of a long string of smaller, pitiful-by-comparison awards. Egypt was once shaken down by Dr. Zewail for a national stamp celebrating his plundering of their national treasures. When asked what else Dr. Zewail would pursue to better his fame, he could only comment that atomic research looked like a promising line of inquiry. We at the Inside World wish Dr. Zewail the best. ASCIT Movies Re-inventing Adult Video October 22, 1999 4 ¿past participle? The Inside World The Outside World by Myfanwy Callahan GREAT FLEM COUNT TO BEGIN WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) - The US Fish and Wildlife Service announced yesterday that the Great Flem Census (GFC) would begin within the end of the year. "It has been too long since the last GFC," said Fish and Wildlife spokesman Jeff Harold. "We need to gather an accurate count of the Flems to decide what course of action to take about them in the future." "The GFC was meant initially as a protective measure for the Flems, who, due to their dense nature, were dying out too quickly," said Dr. Jay Stevenson, professor of zoology at the San Diego Wild Animal Park. "Now, it seems our measures have been too effective, we've got Flems crawling everywhere. Something must be done about them." Reports of Flem sightings have been increasing in the past few years. "They're getting more brash," said Jeb, a redneck farmer. "They just sit there staring at by shotgun barrel. They're all over! In my corn, in the manure, everywhere!" Data from the Flem Census will be analyzed to determine the most effective means of Flem control. CONGRESS DECLARES: PAGE HOUSE SMELLS WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) - Yesterday, the Senate passed H.R. 1425, the "Page House Odor Act," by a unanimous vote bringing Page House one step closer to receiving justice. H.R. 1425, presented to the House floor four days ago by Rep. Cunningham (R-CA) and Rep. Capps (D-CA) was passed unanimously within two minutes and sent to the Senate. President Clinton is expected to sign the bill later this week. "There's really no argument about this bill," said Rep. Capps. "No one can doubt that Page House smells, but until now, we have had no means of recourse." The Capps-Cunningham bill was a key issue in getting the two representatives reelected. "It's about time," said a local Page House neighbor. "Every morning, I can feel the stench of Page House wafting over. It's all but killed by lawns and olive trees." "This is a great step in cutting down on odor pollution in Cali-fornia," said EPA administrator Carol M. Browner, one of the chief proponents of this bill. "For the past three administrations, we have been ardently pleading to have Page House officially recognized as a smell House, but we've met with no success until now. There are some still that criticize the bill as being too mild. "Page House does not just smell, it stinks," said Alfred B. Newman, professor of ecology at a nearby university, who was the person that initially began calling for the bill. "I'm resubmitting my proposal to the EPA to upgrade Page House's status from smells to stinks. A rating of smells just will not do." Already in the works is H.R. 1523, the "Page House Sucks Act," supported by the Department of Interior. The Act is expected to pass the House and Senate within the week, and to be sign by President Clinton by the end of next week. DARB PASSES DRUG TEST: AUTHORITIES ALARMED PASADENA, CA (AP) - Authorities were greatly alarmed yesterday when a Darb passed a drug test. Authorities would not release the name of the clean Darb, for fears of panic spreading throughout the community. "This is absolutely amazing," said Sgt. Guslick, Pasadena PD. "I noticed he was acting almost sane, so I took him in for ques-tioning. I had no idea he was clean!" Lab results were returned to Pasadena PD five in the morning yesterday. Dr. Jack Leok, leading researcher and expert of Darb history tried to explain this incident. "It is quite possible that this Darb has grown an immunity to the effects of hallucinogens. It is quite disturbing. We must make sure that he is quarantined immedi-ately, so that other Darbs don't pick up his immunity." Local residents were alerted of this shocking incident. "I don't like it one bit," said a neighbor Flem. " We don't like change here, we like our Darbs stoned and inco-herent." Dabney House could not be contacted for a com-ment, but massive panic is expected to erupt soon within the peaceful house. NO It you're a Dean, you're probably not an undergraduate. And if you're not an undergraduate, you shouldn't be reading this paper. INSIDE WORLD.com students get it IF NOT FOR HIM, THEN FOR HIM... IT'S A CRAZY WORLD OUT THERE, AND YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN SOME IDIOT WITH A DIGITAL CAMERA IS GOING TO TAKE YOUR PICTURE. BUT NOW, THERE IS SOMETHING YOU CAN DO. FIGHT BACK! WORK FOR THE TECH!