California Tech: California Tech Magazine, v. 89:30, June 3, 1988

Califarnia Tech Magazine CalviN and HODbES BERKE BIOM COUN MOVE OVER, NOSTRADAMUS How these famous works of literature led to the prediction of a major earthquake Everclear Heights 210 A brand new living experience. Red tile roofing, walk-through basement. Pristine view of lovely IN Los Angeles. Current tenents are intellegent, California witty and charming. Prestigious University nearby. Take the Hill exit south off the 210 If you haven't had the opportunity to experience our latest in luxury condominiums stop by for a visit. Call for a walk through today. Imaginary Realty (818) 356-6153 specializing in complex real estate no and von would he interested in a ClIRF California Tech Magazine Vol. LXXXIX No.30 June 3, 1988 COVER: Photo by Alex Athanasopoulos Story on Page 7. FEATURES NEW NOSTRADAMI BY DRUMARKLE What? Make a prediction about the future? Nobody can do that not even Carrol Righter. But a new breed of historian closely allied with the old have stumbled upon the secret and even the heavens are shaking. When Felix Rancher's 4-year-old son began misbehaving at nurser) school, her first thought was "What am I doing?" Billy wouldn't sit still. He was wetting his pants and lashing out at other children. Suddenly a light from the heavens emerged and he was crowned the new prophet of a new generation 7 It's ALL IN THE EARS BY EDWARD FROSH 9 THE NEW HEALTH FOOD BY BUD WEISSER In 1988, there were definite trends in the ways of the world and of food in particular. In- 5 LETTERS 6 GARDENS Marijauna replaces roses 12 DEPARTMENTS 7 FIERCE SWEATER Cream Cheese: The Exposé 11 LOOKS Beer Syndrome 14 PUZZLER It's a BiCh CALIFORNIA TECH MAGAZINE, JUNE 3, 1988 Editors The California Tech Magazine has several editorial positions available. These include Chief editors Entertainment editor Sports editor Announcements editor Another position available is that of Circulation. The positions of Chief editors and Circulation are paid. All receive credit in PA 15. Power, prestige, and honor come with these positions. Work with some of today's top writing talents. Deliver probing, provocative stories to readers of a discerning class. These positions are open immediately, and all qualified applicants will be considered. Since The California Tech Magazine and its affiliates are equal opportunity employers, women and minorities are encouraged to apply. Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Novels, Dr. Who & Oz, Games & Gifts. PLANET Oalifornia Vech Magazine Mere, suingere Glue kopy card We count ind nobody EDITORIAL DIRECTOR ATIONAL OFFICE resider 啊 79 N. RAYMOND AVE. PASADENA, CAL. 91103 (818) 577-9309 CALIFORNIA TECH MAGAZINE, JUNE 3, 1988 Jesus Christ I've made a deal with the Devil! He said that his control was so great that I couldn't overcome it, but that he'd put me to the test if I wanted it. He said that if I could get all females in America to throw down all their pants and come out with their hands up by Thanksgiving, he'd have all nations throw down all their weapons for good by Christmas. But I believe that the Forces of good are greater that those of evil. Does this community agree? If so, does the 1611 King James Bible say so? And if not, can you reason out why evil exists as a challenge to good? To help, consider that if reincarnation isn't true, it wouldn't matter about evil if we had onl one life. But eternal life "is" the Bible. WAYNE JOHN-SON San Diego For four bucks, the War Resistors College will confer and send a Ph.D. degree in Global Politics, personalized and suitable for framing, to any of your readers who are not now members of the Army, Navy, Air Force or Marines (ANAM, for short). There will be those on your campus and in your community who will not want this letter printed. "It's ille-gal," they'll say (it's not). "He's only out to make a buck" (four bucks). "It's immoral" (what?). Hundereds of millinos of public dollars are being spent every year on commercials which try to convine your readers that ANAM is "A great place to start," and that it will let them be "all that they can be." This letter in you columns will be for many the only time they ever hear an opposing view. Let me say it clearly. ANAM is no longer a viable or moral career start for an educated, globally aware person. If you, or your brother, boyfriend, sister or professor, are not in ANAM, you deserve a Ph.D. degree. Never joining or belonging to an army is the final and ultimate "war resistance." LETTERS I would, and do, say the same thing to Russian, and Iranian and Ira-quian students. And Salvadorean and Canadian and Mexican students: stay out of the army! (navy, air force, ma-rines, et. al.) This is the first, and only "method" of the War Resistors Col-lege. We're a simple bunch. We stay out of the armies. That's the single lesson we teach, though its faces are legion. We give out Ph.D. degrees for learning and abiding by this lesson. ALEX ATHANASOPÒULOS I am the incarnation of Jesus Christ. I live in Canada. The human race now has the potential to create a super being (Com-puter Artificial Intelligence - Al) that would have the power, through science, to manipulate reality itself (i.e. matter, energy, time, mind, emo-tion, spirit, etc.) to the extent of being able to give every human that ever lived Heaven, forever young, forever happy. The creation of such an entity(s) is at least decades, perhaps centuries, away, but I can now reveal that this is God's goal for Humankind. You might want to think of AI as god's way of fulfilling a mandate, or promise, to give all human souls an eternal Heaven. He can't do it alone however. He needs Humandkind's help to create an entity (AI) that can fulfill his promise. As a united planet striving to create such an Al we will need all the luck we can get. As separate "nations" constantly on the brink of nuclear destruction we don't stand a chance. JESUS CHRIST CompuServe ID # 75706,134 P.S. This work cancels and replaces any other work I have published. A final note: if 20 or more of your students send for their Ph.D. degrees, you will, individually and as a cam-pus, be nominated and in the running for our No Bell Peace Prize. I assume that if you bring peace to the world, you deserve a higher degree, and such a prize. I look forward to conferring this honor on your brightest, most insightful and aware student thinkers. Thank you for the space. JACK GEBHARDT Fort Collins ASCIT FRIDAY NIGHT MOVIE THE PRINCESS BRIDE BAXTER LECTURE HALL $1 for ASCIT members NO MOVIE NEXT WEEK 7:30 & 10:00 pm $1.50 for others CALIFORNIA TECH MAGAZINE, JUNE 3, 1988 3 GARDENS Garden of the Future Marijuana is Rapidly Replacing the Rose as the Prize Plant •t used to be roses. If you wanted to grow and show plants, you and you would treat your fleurs with the utmost care. Now, that has changed. Rose-planters aren't the most careful green thumbs anymore, marijuana growers are. After all, their livelihood depends on it. In fact, this plant has gained a certain mystique in the past years, and is quickly becoming the plant. Cervantes wrote about marijuana, calling marijuana growers "careful 4 CALIFORNIA TECH MAGAZINE, JUNE 3, 1988 BY EDWARD FROSH people who pay attention to their plants' environment." Their fo-cus, these gardeners claim, is not the smoking - it's the planting. Contests, just like those for roses, are held. Major money is involved, and it isn't from consumers' pockets. In fact, it is just as likely that the money is from major sponsors, eager to captivate a receptive market. High Times, a magazine just for progressive persons, prints "Plant of the Month" and "Garden of the Month" columns. What are these people motivated by? Aesthetics and style, they claim. It is generally known that some plants reproduce better than others, while others give off a better fragrance. Farmers act as amateur geneticists, attempting to attain the perfect smell. But there is also technique. For ex-ample, how well can farmers induce spreading? What is the yield? What kind of mines do they boobytrap their to pay their local sheriff? The rose was the plant of yesterday — marijuana is here today, and will still be here tomorrow. r Edward Frosh is a Moralist. Marijuana Beer HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN MI-BREW BEER AS TOLD TO ED ROSENTHAL BY U.B. [LABELS I STICKER SIDE Will Cream Cheese Become the Food of the 80s? Not Likely, Since it is too Mushy T hroughout History men have fought wars, and other men have tried to find out why. Some men, like the infamous Karl Marx, thought the cause was money. Others, thought the cause was religous persecution. Still others thought the cause was freedom from tyranny. But now, the truth has finally come to light....The cause of so many young men's deaths is Philadelphia Cream Cheese. Yes friends its true. Philadelphia Cream Cheese was even a major cause of our own American Revolution. You see, one of the little known Intolerable Acts was the Cheese act. This Act expressly forbid the eating of cheese during the evening tea time. This Act so enraged the Phildelphians that they rushed down to the Harbor (which was no mean task considering that Philadelphia didn't have a harbor being an inland city) and threw all of the crates of cream cheese into the Harbor. (This act was later imitated in a better pub-licised stunt by a Boston acting company as a publicity stunt, however, unable at the time to obtain any cream cheese, as the Philadelphians had thrown it all into the harbor, they used tea instead.) ALEX ATHANASOPOULOS FIERCE SWEATER Cream Cheese: The Expose kids and wouldn't have to live in a split-level shoe on the edge of town. Meanwhile, a little blond haired girl came by. The little blond haired girl was called Orange Locks because she used to be a punk rocker and had Orange hair until she one day realized that she looked like a road cone with Another little known fact about cream cheese was that it wasn't always white. Yes once upon a time, when the world was new, when there wasn't even a Cageliner, (The Bad Old Days) cream cheese was blue. You see one day little Johnny Sacajawea (which means in Indian -little boy who always guest stars in childrens stories when the world was new, once upon a time) was eating some cream cheese when the Pheonix flew by. Now the Pheo-nix was a beautiful bird with many colors in its wings which were long and had many feathers which were always burning because the Pheonix was always on fire because it was a stupid bird and always flew too close to the sun and caught on fire which is why you should never play with fire because then Smokey the Bear's forest woodland friends will all die in the fire and he won't have anything to eat. Anyway, Johnny decided to follow the Pheonix to it's nest because underneath the Pheonix's nest was a pot of gold which Johnny needed to give to his mother so that she could get her operation so she couldn't have any more The little blond/oranged haired girl was walking by the cream cheese when she noticed a shiny spindle (don't ask me what a spindle is I don't know either its just one of those things girls are always pricking they're fingers on. I'm sure glad I'm a boy all that pricking could be painful.) in the grass. She reached down and bent over to pick it up and what should happen but all the bleach came right out of her hair and fell on the cream cheese turning it snow white and that was how cream cheese became white. What? You'd like to hear what happened to Johnny and Orange Locks? well all right... Unfortunatly for Orange Locks she pricked her finger on the spindle and fell into a deep sleep. A little while later Johhny came back with all the gold he could carry and spied her there. Having lived in Fairyland for awhile (No, not San Francisco the other FairyLand) Johnny knew just what to do and kissed her ever so gently on the lips. Unfortunately this didn't work so he kissed her again. This didn't work either so, not to be defeat-ed, he pinched her. This finally worked, Orange Locks woke up, and fell instantly in love with him as all blond haired girls in fairy tales do (fickle aren't they). They then returned to her kingdom in the happy kingdom of New Jersey where they are now semi-happily married and live in a lovely two bedroom castle overlooking the sewer treatment plant. THE END? CALIFORNIA TECH MAGAZINE, JUNE 3, 1988 5 ~ signings~ • Ramsey campbell & dennis etchison sat june 4 1-3p.m. • Ray bRadbuRy wed-june 8 0-8p.m. •Chelsea quinn yarbro satjunell 1-3p.m. planet 10 79n. Raymond, pas. (818) 577-9309 6 Macintosh Expert Needed Commodities Firm has an opening for an applicant who knows Page-Maker, Flexware, Overview, Lotus and/or other related systems. Consultant basis/summer job/long term potential. Please call: Michael Stark, executive vice-president. (818) 444-2531. CALIFORNIA TECH MAGAZINE, JUNE 3, 1988 Oalifornia Tech Magazine New Nostradami How Today's Writers Have Come to a Consensus for the Earthquake Nostradamus Failed to Predict Correctly BY DR. J. MARKLE O K, so May 1988 has come and gone and gone, and still no comically cataclysmic rumbling of the "New City" has occured, no egg-sized hail, and of course the question must be asked: What happened to O'1 Nostradamus? Where, oh where did he screw up? The answer, of course, is obvious: Nostradamus is just out of touch! No way some dead guy could have predicted walkmans and compact-disks, not to mention McDonalds! These cosmic events, while seemingly trivial to the world of the living, have created great eddies in the time- ALEX ATHANASOPOULOS soul-space continuum. It is obvious that Nostradamus's predictions could no possibly have included such random things as the ebb and flow of the great sub-concious TENDANCY-TO-PROMOTE-LARGE-CALVES river which appeared briefly in our world as the bell-bottomed-jean fashion trend years ago. Luckily, however, some modern literature is written by those with Nostradamus's gift for double-entendre and prediction. It is these authors to whom we must turn for future predictions regarding earthquakes and other disasters. In fact, studies have shown that modern writers have made stunningly accurate predictions in the past! For example, B.F. Skinner wrote in 1948, within his stunningly prophetic work "Walden Two," that "You can't encourage art with money alone. What you need is culture." It is easy to see that the word 'art' can be transformed to read 'rat.' This is an obvious allusion to the rock group CALIFORNIA TECH MAGAZINE, JUNE 3, 1988 These cosmic seringly tival to the world of the living, have created .great eddies in the time-soul-space continuum Ratt, and taking the equally intresting word 'culture' to be a symbolisation of the pop group Culture Club, and further noting that the quotation was cleverly put on page 89, Walden's prediction becomes stunningly clear: By 1986 (1989 minus three, which was Walden's cosmic index) the group Ratt will have risen to prominence, after destroying the New Wave culture exemplified in the early 1980's by the group Culture Club. The astonishing clarity and accuracy of this prediction makes its truth undeniable. Egdar Allen Poe also had a great knack for fortelling events of the fu-ture. In a tale entitled "Four Beasts In One," He makes a profound predic-tion. The story, which is suppossed-ly set in the year 3830, actually refers to the year 1945: The date divided by two (Poe's cosmic index) reveals 1915, and the title of the book implies that every '1' be replaced by a '4, thus 1945 remains. This story thus can be seen to be a prediction involving the events of that historic year. The Atomic bomb was prophesized accurately, in the oft-remembered phrase: "Sur-ely this is the most populous city of the East...! What a tinkling of instru-ments!" The statement is beyond belief in its truthfulness, almost as if Poe was there himself to witness the event. In the same story, Poe even predicts the Jazz Age and the pre-eminence of CALIFORNIA TECH MAGAZINE, JUNE 3, 1988 the great B.B. King. Said Poe: "Do you hear that flourish of trumpet?' Yes- the king is coming!" But, alas, Poe is dead, and Skinner also. Who can we, the men and women of the eighties, turn to for current prophesy and predictions? More importantly for we Techers, who can we turn to for accurate earthquake predictions? Jean Dixon is a fraud, and the Reagans are too unreliable, but fortunately, this decade has seen the coming of age of new trumpeteers of the future, the New Nostradami in ever sense of the word. It is these authors to whom we can turn to find out what lies in store, and believe me kids, there's alot to see! Foremost among these New Nos-tradami is the horror fictioneer Stephen King. His latinized name, which will be used hereafter, is Rexus. Rexus himself has made accurate predictions in the past, and what he sees waiting for us in the future is shockingly eye-opening. In the classic tome "The Stand," Rexus' predictions stretch out to encompass almost all of the twenty-first century. It is predictions for the late 1980's that we should be concerned about. Rexus predicts that England will once again go to war, by 1995 (page 15 plus 1980, the book's last copyright date), under the continued rule of Margret Thatcher. The character named 'Fran' is heard to say:"Look the other way, I'm going to be unladylike." She then spits out blood, an obvious allusion to warfare. 'Fran"s identity is revealed by her last name: Goldsmith, which refers to Thatcher's blondish hair. Rexus' predictions of Earthquakes is even more startling. It is made in the form of a sign, an announcement, in order to grab the attention of keen readers who recognize the prophetic element in King's works. The sign reads, in part: "Route 29 to I-87 / I-87 to 1-90 / I-90 WEST / EVERYONE HERE DEAD" The prediction hits like a steel glove: The huge cataclysm will come in 1990, not before, in the Western United States, and many people will die! He even makes a prediction of the exact time and date of the disaster, through the date the 'sign' was suppossed to have been written: July 8, 1985. The date remains the same, since Rexus' cosmic index is zero, the time is 1,985 seconds into day, or, 12:33 in the morning! The comic-strip artist/author Berke Breathed, Breathus, also correlates this prediction in the introduction to his collection "Loose Tails" by revealing the seemingly unrelated fact that the he, Breathus, was arrested on July 9, 1980! Noting that Breathus cosmic index is exactly one, it is crystal clear that he also refers to the date Continued on Page 14 ALEX ATHANASOPOULOS It's All in the Ears Remembering by Listening - hat were the high- Wie can one tind where can one find a quick and dirty description of them? That was the entire point of having ears, most biologists claim. Here they are, ten of the most important ears you'll ever need. Shake Rattle Roll BY EDWARD FROSH Lasciate ogni speranza, SEPTEMBER 25, 1987 The school year began with a thrilling ven- Special Pictorial Edition voL ch'entrate 400P BANT/ GOOD BYE... GOOD LUCK ANDY! Builb Interhouse RESUMÉS TODAY ture to Camp Fox for the frosh. And well, this Italian just says it all. OCTOBER 2, 1987 Upperclassmen shook the frosh up with an earthquake of magnitude 6 during rotation. Damage was inflicted to a number of buildings, while a grand opportunity for quick "bones" was granted to those willing to pick up books from the floors of Millikan. OCTOBER 9, 1987 The preceed-ing editors, Michael Keating and Jennifer Low resigned from the illustrious position of editor, the Tech. The editors that followed served varying terms, although it appears that a new changing of the guards is imminent. NOVEMBER 6, 1987 Caltech undergrads said good-bye to Andy D., former Deputy MOSH, at a massive party in Blacker Hovse. Frosh! NOVEMBER 13, 1987 Saturday was Interhouse, and Friday night was one of a frenzy of activity. Of course, most of the frosh were to incompetent to do anything of use... CALIFORNIA TECH MAGAZINE, JUNE 3, 1988 熱蒸 HAYWIRE ?! IT'S AN ELECTION WEAR! we love ock mm 7 WELCOME.. PRE-FRESHE Nothing Really ноля В HOUT ME- 3 MORE Matters AND DITCH DAY IS NOT TODAY!! WEEKS! TOE.... MILKY NASRES Euse laur 10 CALIFORNIA TECH MAGAZINE, JUNE 3, 1988 FEBRUARY S, 1988 Sam Weaver beat out Jim Burleigh for the Presidency of ASCIT, but it appears Page took over the BOD. FEBRUARY 19, 1988 A year is seldom all pleasant, and when Richard Feynman died, Caltech and the rest of the world felt it. Feynman had been, in many ways, Caltech, for he exemplified the creative spirit that was Caltech's theme. APRIL 22, 1988 In its constant dy-namic, Caltech welcomed the new during April. April 12, Thomas Everhart was inaugurated as the President of Caltech. And during the weekend of these ears, potential frosh visited Caltech to be amazed. MAY 6, 1988 May brings thoughts of summer to students, and thoughts of graduation to seniors. For all students, it also brings ditch day. When is ditch day? Tomorrow, of course. And when it did come...well it came. MAY 20, 1988 Only three weeks to go... that was two weeks ago. Only finals to go...and then it's all over. Amen. Edward Frosh is an associate editor (read overworked and underpaid) of The Los Angeles Times Magazine: Do you wake up • in the morning feeling like your AMa 95 assignment is still going snap-crackle-pop in your head? Get that get up and go feeling you need everyday Milky Krispies The one that talks L0 0K S The Beer Syndrome HAIR STYLING MADE EASY: BY ALFRED N. KOSLEI R esearchers at the Passive Institute of Necrophili- -ology in the department of Biological Art have been working on a major breakthrough that should revolutionize today's health and beauty market. Dr. C.R.J.S. Lazbud, PhD, MD, BS, MBA, DNA, RNA, CAMP, pH, pKa, has found that hair colors and styles can be intracellularly in-fluenced. Most important in the break- through was the discovery of a new cellular structure, centrally located on the outer surface of the nuclear mem-brane. This structure, was first noticed when blood samples of intoxicated and indigested mice were taken and ana-lysed by several likewise intoxicated researchers in the Magnetic Radiation Imaging department. While samples studied under the electron microscope revealed no detectable abnormalities, nuclear-magnetic resonance studies showed a peculiar node on the nuclear membrane that was not normally present. Further study of samples of various tissues from the skin, blood, and muscle of student subjects correlated the results. The node was -sible for the facilitation of hairstyling. He believes that the beerum node interacts in some way with the gene that codes for hair color and texture. Ingestion of intoxicating substances inhibits the acetylcholene receptor. The amount of alcohol consumed regulates the expression of the hair gene, resulting in the ability to control hair styles by varying the level of alcohol contained in the blood. Although Lazbud refused to comment on the new breakthrough, enterprising reporters discovered his laboratory notebook under the door of the Tech office. Although the notebook failed to hint at any new implications and ramifications of the discovery of this gene and the beerum mutation, we did, however, find this neat poem: termed beerum, after, well, beer. "Hark! Land Ho!" she screamed, As if she had seen a ghost. A million golden droplets of moonlight Rain upon her head. A spider's kiss--Ho! Crayons cover the naked wall. Existence. I see the eye. Too many contradictions, The egg falls. "But what about me?" asked (and queried) the falling. Homina, Homina, Homina. (Butch). Chasing a monsoon above the dune: A parakeet sings. And then the fan came on. A chapter begins: See the telephone ring. Plastic reminders of a grocery story, Animal crackers. SCENE 41. TAKE 2. Ting, tang, walla walla bing bang! Hooray for democracy! for those in the know) As I said before, spake unto Joseph And said, "Yo, like, how is the Garden da Vida?" And the flaming torch burns In the darkness of the forum Only to discover the character Is yourself-laughing, laughing. A food fix. Well, Yes! Sometime somebody said it. I don't Know why or where or who. Or even what. Until tomorrow, I will gladly Hamburger your pay. THE END. Most notably, beerum was found to be present solely in samples of subjects from PasNec, especially those who had ingested large amounts of Coronas in the past few weeks. This led researchers to suspect a mutation among inhabitants of PasNec. Lasbud theorized that the beerum might be the cause of the initiation of a secondary messenger system respon- A Poem Illusive dreams permeate the room. Vivid colors shout amidst the silence. Running sideways Kaliedoscope shivers Descend across molten tofu. But he's a good table! As if Return of the Living Dead were a good excuse For Ronnie and Babbit to dine alone While this poem makes no direct reference to the beerum discovery, it seems that Lasbud was attempting to test his hypotheses about the correspondence of the level of intoxication with hair expression on himself. Alfred N. Koski is a slave of the California Tech Magazine. CALIFORNIA TECH MAGAZINE, JUNE 3, 1988 11 00D The New Health Food BY BUD W. EISSER R emember a few months ago at Spago's when you felt an irresistible urge to leave without paying be- •cause your chicken cac- catorie stir-fried in aged filet mignon blood somehow didn't suit your liking? Or how about the time at Anthony's when you began to see visions of Frank Bartyles and Ed James after your eighth glass of that rare 1912 Chardonnay? Perhaps these feeling and visions did not actually result from the food or beverage itself but rather from the fact that both of the items previously mentioned had names consisting of words longer than five letters. With the approaching summer days, it is time to not only clean your luxurious six million dollar Brentwood condo and your 1983 Aston-Martin but also that mass of organic solids and calcium known as your body. And what better way to do this than with the old tried-and-true Prestone radiator flush system available at the local Pep Boys? Actually, the Prestone radiator flush can not seriously be recommended because of a high level of alcohols in the solution. Instead, the preferred method of cleaning out your digestive system must be found by a careful survey of the dieting habits of the poor people in our society. How else can you account for the fact that there are so many people living at the poverty level? So after years of multiple nonlinear regression coefficient statistical analysis at the Pacific Institute of Technology's department of food sciences, it has been determined that the underlying cause for the plethora 12 CALIFORNIA TECH MAGAZINE, JUNE 3, 1988 and longevity of zero to low income people is their consumption of beer and chili fries. Beer and chili fries, you probably remembered eating them back in the good old days at the university when money was tight, classes were hard and women were respected. After so many years, these two staples of your diet began to fall by the wayside in light of the inclusion of more expen-sive, less nutritious food which almost always had names which were more than five letters long. Today's article focuses on some of the finer beers that are available on the market today. These include the best of the domestics and imports. While I savored reviewing many imported beers for this article, I discovered that most could not be purchased for less than fifty cents a bottle at Ralphs so they probably were not worth my time and brain cells. The article concludes with a guide to the hippest locations to satisfy that craving for deep fried potato starch interlaced in mutated dead cows. Historically, beer was created after early man quickly realized that drinking river and sea water could create an unfavorable condition in the body known as diarrhea. Since then, beer has become the preferred liquid of consumption at most social and anti-social occasions such as parties, baseball games and military war games. With a bumper crop of hops and barley in the Midwest, expect your local breweries to produce the finest beer in years. Some of the finer concoctions that have come to my attention are those from the vats of the Schaefer and Stroh's brewery. Between the two, I personally recommend the Stroh's because of the ease in pronouncing its name while intox-icated, and a better advertising campaign. The bastion of conservative beers, Budweiser, promises to have another quality output this year although your pets might persuade you to buy Bud Lite because Spuds Mackenzie drinks it. For the beer connoisseur, a six pack of Olympia or Busch is always sure to satisfy that urge for exotic tastes. On the subject of exotics, Coors and Coors Lite will definitely cross that line between exotic beers and those accepted by the mainstream consumer. On light of its new advertising campaign and innovative packaging techniques, the Silver Bullet is sure to put a hole in more than your wallet. But for those of you with a taste for the imported beer, I truly cannot recommend anything finer than the thirty pack of Meister Brau. With the Irish barley blight reaching epidemic proportions in the farms of Europe and Asia (where it's known as the Beijing barley blight), most foreign beers will be downright hazardous to the American consumer. Lite beers should also be avoided this year as the reports of contamination with cooking oil keep hitting the news. But homeade lite beer is easily made with one part of your favorite beer mixed in with one part of diet BEER Coke. You can also use diet Cherry Coke instead of diet Coke to create the latest, and most happening rage - the lite beer coolers. Although lite beer and beer cocktails (see inset for two of my favorite drinks) can easily be created at home, chili fries prepared at home will always pale when compared to those found at the finer culinary establishments around Los Angeles. Unless you have access to a vat of axle-bearing grease or a barrel of used motor oil, you are highly suggested to leave chili fry preparation to the experts. 210k BEER Unlike other gourmet foods, the preparation of chili fries demand the chef to be a master of all four food groups - starch, dead animals, spices, and grease/oil. With such skill re-quired, it is a miracle that so many fine restaurants serve this delicacy. The one restaurant that pops into everyone's mind when the word chili is mentioned is of Sachi Sushi. But un-fortunately, chili fries are not a forte for an establishment with such well known dishes as yellowtail on chili sushi. Only the local restaurants with the most uncompromising attitudes towards service can prepare decent chili fries. One such place is Tommy's Besides getting your fries in less then two seconds after ordering, the subtle blend of chili, grease and rare exotic spices lead the gourmet to the conclusion that an order of Tommy's chili fries are a delight to the tongue, nose, and stomach. Patrons of Tommy's with mastication problems will also be able to enjoy Tommy's as the delectable chili fries literally melt your mouth. Lucky Boy's is another fine Los Angeles landmark that serves consistently palatable chili fries. In contrast to Tommy's, which emphasizes grease content in their fries, Lucky Boy's prove itself by the solid, chunky quality in their chili fries. While there may be chunks in the order that do not resemble meat or fries, the texture of the food is nevertheless quite satisfying to even the most discriminating gourmet. Finally if you want to enjoy that great chili taste without decimating that monthly Visa bill, one might try the chili fries at Tops restaurant. Although your order will arrive well stocked in starches, the chili has a rather dyspeptic consistency, leading to dysphagia for many customers. Tops may not be the ideal spot to enjoy your chili fries as numerous complaints about the sterile atmosphere have come to my attention. Other restaurants that deserve honorable mentions on their chili fries are the Good Earth, the Chronicle, and the Souplantation restaurants. Unfortunately the atmosphere at these restaurants do not facilitate the easy digestion of their otherwise respectable chili fries. In addition, these restaurants tend to serve lemon slices in their water, a sure sign of possible problems in their restaurant quality and prices. While many other brands of beer and restaurants that serve chili fries do exist in the Southland, the Huntington Memorial Hospital have not posted notices about them as being possible health hazards to the pub lic. As a result, they probably are n worthy of this magazines time a research efforts. Bud W. Eisser is a contributing wr He is an editor of Beer Belly. CALIFORNIA TECH MAGAZINE, JUNE 3, 195 Condom Club MEMBERSHIP The Perfect Gift for Dad-or Yourself! EXCLUSIVE - Created specially for The Condom Club by the best constructors around, these condoms are the same size and caliber as those found in the Health Center. They are individually wrapped and formed out of the highest quality latex. Each condom contains a set of instructions, along with a witty comment by our sex specialist, the legendary Dr. Dave. AFFORDABLE-For just $30 we'll send your dad-or you -5 original, challenging, fun-to-use condoms once a week for a full year. EASY TO ORDER-Simply send your check for 530 or MasterCard/Visa information to: THE CONDOM CLUB Dept. 666 • 987 Olive St. • P.O. Box 000 Hopinsack, Virginia 12345 OR CALL TOLL FREE 800-277-4653 (VA 284-7446) A Full Year of Condoms Just $30-Order Your Condom Club Membership Today! New Nostradami CALIFORNIA TECH MAGAZINE WINDOW ON YOUR WORLD Once a year, the California Tech Magazine brings home a stale old perspective on the world inside us. It's rude, disgusting and completely obscene! California Tech Magazine (For advertising information call 1-800-382-5968, ext. 74838.) Continued from Page 7 July 8, and his prediction of exact time only differs from Rexus' by a mere five seconds! Another New Nostradamus, Bill Watterson, or Wattus, has predicted the exacted center of the 1990 earthquake in his well known "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip. Says Wattus' Calvin: "It's another new morning for Mr. Monroe... Little does he realize it's his last day on Earth!" Obviously, the quake will be epicentered near a city named after this historic presi-dent. Rexus narrows down the scope of this vague statement in his novel "The Long Walk," superficially about a futuristic Marathon, but is actually prophetic about the destruction of the Western United States. Rexus makes the key statement of the novel in the opening sentance of, significantly, the novel's final chapter. The statement reads simply, "They were forty miles from Boston." Rexus, being a resident of Maine, obviously intended that staement to have a hidden meaning, which is apparent in the next sentance: "Tell us a story, Garraty,' , Stebbins said...." Obviously, taking out the doubled letters reveals the code "ll rI bb," which can stand for only one thing: "Los Angeles Replaces Boston!" The meaning is crystal clear, when taken into the context of Rexus' earthquake prediction made in "The Stand" Thus, with amazing foresight these New Nostradami have provided the people of this part of the country with words which can and should help us prepare for the upcoming cataclysm. It is no accident that these New Nos-tradami have been commercially suc-cessful, for it is the only way in which they can warn us of our future, and many have taken, conciously or un-conciously, their warnings. It would be foolish to suggest that the amazing coincidences revealed in this article were nothing more, for our paranoia is at stake, and we must do everything we humanly can to nuture and protect it, so that we may live through the awful spectre of a fateful day: July 8, 1990 14 CALIFORNIA TECH MAGAZINE, JUNE 3, 1988 the following list of breeders each has at le e Champion in the breed he is advertising. Consi them for puppies and stud service. AKOU CH SIPE IDAM HO/PRA BIS LN 619-941-3406 BEAGLES VALIDAY BEAGLES, REG. (213) 839-0729, 837-1395 BEARDED COLLIES SHILOH BEARDIES (818) 768-0963 BICHON FRISE AMY COSTELLO PUPS- STUDS (805) 264-2870 SLUMBER SPANIEL AMEO, PUPS, CH. STUD SVC (714) 628-209 COCKER SPANIELS (L (213) 305-7415 SO. CAL ALL BREED GUIDE AVAI - WIND (213) 746-7414, BIS STUD SVC & PUP CURLY COATE PRE ROR YEP: (714) 557-1668 DACHSON COUNTRY DACHSHUNOS 1619) 128-4485 DO SOMEN PINS, FURS, TANE (714) 871.5167 GERNET SE EH EB (213) 306. 373 ADLTS PURS GERMAN SHORTHAIRED POINTERS VON HAINHOLZ, IMPORT F.C. STD. (805) 256-3853 GOLDEN RETRIEVERS KAZAK CHAMPS SINCE 1965 (805) 946-1739 DONNOR GOLDENS, CH. STUDS, PUPS (213) 696-1666 GOLDLEAVES, REG, CH. STUD, PUPS (714) 820-4514 MANDIGO, PUPS, ADULTS, STUD (714) 887-1811 KEESHOND CARI- ON KENNELS (213) 323-1292 KERRY BLUE TERRIERS VALORMOR KNLS., LA HABRA (213) 691-1152 LABRADOR RETRIEVER MANDIGO, PUPS, ADULTS, STUD (714) 887-1811 LHASA APSO LORI SHAN (714) 371-5061, (818) 359-2020 MARLO LHASAS, CH. STUDS, PUPS (213) 859-3930 GALAXY PUPS & STUDS (213) 934-8292 (818) 842-4164 LAKELAND TERRIERS VALORMOR KNLS., LA HABRA (213) 691-1152 MALTESE BEA FORSGREN CH. STDS-PUPS (818) 249-4009 MARION KENNER CH. STUDS, PUPS (818) 579-5345 MASTIFF STABLEMATE CH. STUD-PUPS (714) 780-9677 / 628-1746 MINIATURE SCHNAUZERS DOROVAN, ALL COLORS (619) 463-9897 ST. ROQUE TERRIERS (714) 733-8535 (714) 549-9799 OLD ENGLISH SHEEPDOGS DANDALION, CHAMPIONS, STUDS, PUPS (213) 697-6212 PMON RENES FUSS. SO OOdS (818) 802-1431 POODLOLE KENEL, MIN- STO. TOY (714) 631-7650 STANDARD POODLES PINAFORE KENNEL, CH. STUDS, & PUPPIES (714) 822-7026 ROTTWEILER VON REISHOFF (818) 446-6660 FREE BUYERS' GUIDE POWDERHORN/WENCREST (213) 851-3174 (818) 889-9514 "FRIENDSHIP (213) 699-1120-PUPS & CH STUD SVS." SCOTTISH TERRIERS KARDOS KNLS. STUD-PUPS (213) 641-4151 SEALYHAM TERRIERS MERRILAND REG. CH. STUD-PUPS (714) 828-2024 SETTERS-IRISH & ENGLISH THENDERIN KNLS. PDS. (213) 821-5612 (213) 821-8742 SHETLAND SHEEPDOGS SARWYN (619) 868-4428 (213) 945-6935 SUNSET SHELTIES (818) 358-2870 S SHEILA GORDON PUPS & STUDS (818) 765-5596 SIRERAN, CH.STEUDE & PUPS (714) 639-724 SHICKS, 50P LOES, CPRESS (714) 527-116 STANDARD SCHNAUZERS KB'S STANDARD SCHNAUZERS (619) 292-492 CHEME SHOPLIFTERSMART MAGAZINE Truckload Sale Just Requisitioned! 18 wheeler stuffed full of the latest in computer equipment. Apples, IBMs, Suns. Don't wait, hurry while supplies last. For more information contact: High-Tech-Jinks P.O. Box 1235, Pasadena, California 90016 Minimum Order: 1000 lbs Is the door to your success locked? Many people have this problem and we've found a way to unlock that potential fortune door. But first, let's make a deal. Nobody finds out OK? Contact Gardener Gozer for the key to your future. No solicitors. PAPER Sandpaper Thumb 435 Green Street Suite 160 CLIPS Parking out back. Enter through the rear Fresh from the facto-ry. Quality Assured. OEM. If you office needs high quality paper clips quickly, cheeply, no questions asked. come to us. Only 1047 left. Get them while they last. HOT-OFFICE-SUPPLIeS 123⅓ Main. "VF-11" OUTDOOR USES VF-11 increases biossoms and holds them! VF-11 increases yield of vegetables & fruit. VF-11 is superior to B-1 for transplanting! VF-11 is the finest "foliar feed" on the market!! VF-11 will give you magnificent houseplants!! Enjoy a garden beyond your wikdest dreams! Available at most erocery &i garden stores. Send for dealer list, GARDEN SUPPLIES ELECTRO-MUSCLE STIMULATORS $395 • Re-educate flabby muscle • Relaxation of muscie spasm مسس ال ID Cards Made While U-Wait 937 Bestsellers The U.S. Government Printing Office has put together a new catalog of the Government's bestselling books. Find out what Government books are all about. Send for your free catalog. New Catalog P.O. Box 13 Ava. Missouri 65608 3211 Rambla Pacifico, Malibu CA 90265) Meet Joe. You supply the pictures, He makes the cards. Most photo ID's made in under 15 minutes. $20 per card. Volume Discounts. Go to the Back Yard Bar. Ask for Joe. Are you hungry? Tired of living off of unemployment benefits, or is Social Security not enough to support your lifestyle? Well we have the answer for you. Only with Stationary Services will you be on your way to a new career in only three days. We wrote the book on obtaining bulk stationary practically for free and we'll show you how to do it. Not too many obligations, call today for a free appointment. (818) 993-4527 The answer to all your neods is locked within. The joy, tho peace, the challengo o Life. It doosn't take valumes to unlock th sacrois within-just a low well chosen words. THE BOOK OF GIFTS wImo Poshers ASK ABOUT SHOPLIFTERS M•A•R•T Make you fencing business grow with top prospects! Use Shoplifters Mart to build up your business prospects. This outstanding fencing vehicle can start things rolling for you by reaching 3.3 million adult felons. 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For more details, call (818)405-4241 ог (818)300-0720 Or toll-free 1-800-727-8423, ext. 27463 or 765423. • To receive your copy send $3.25 cash, check or money order 10: CALIFORNIA TECH MAGAZINE, JUNE 3, 1988 15 PUZZLER It's a BiCh 2 14 5 BY EDWARD FROSH 79 10 17 12 13 14 19 23 27 120 21 25 ACROSS I Scult or obe drinks O Sometime snak § "Flashdance" singe Irene 19 DNA 1 Place to use mone .2 Grade in 26 across 23 Mad as a wet - 24 Tech is full of them 25 Reasons for amazement 26 Ch 41 27 Michael Jackson, sometimes 28 suffix 29 I was so mad I was ... 31 Amino acid side chain 32 Man 36 Tin 37 Japanese town 40 Not scalars 42 Letter after Z 43 Motion-givers, amoeba 48 After anaphase 50 E.g. of Reaction kinetics 53-- on which to build 54 Ron, to Ronald 55 Irish officer? 56 Classified or personal 57 Tons per square inch 58 I'll do anything, -- 60 Achilles' weak spot 63 Flem's arsenal 64 Rudolph and Vixen have them 68 Not a word 71 Sci-Fi movie, c. 1983 72 Common article 73 Conditional 74 Not quite shredding 75 German's "What 1S... 77 I came out on top the cherry tree? 24 28 29 31 32 133 34 35 36 37 148 38 |39 40 141 42 49 50 152 154 57 55 56 58 59 60|61762 63 169 172 75 76 77 78 64 73 80 81 86 95 100 87 88 789 96 197 82 83 90 98 799 10T T02 103 105 |106 107 7108 110 111 112 113 120 126 131 114 115 116 117 121 127 132 122 |123 124 128 133 86 Misspelled uttering 98 Ready to go 90 TDK tape quality? 91 Late singer Otis 95 DNA couple 100 Edith Wharton char. 101 Chrysler car 102 Alarmed 104 2 Majs. at Tech 105 Author's initials 107 Sign of age 109 Movie rating 110 #19 ac. in 32 ac. 117 Destination 120 Skin typ 121 Weirc 122 Nin, as in diary 125 Not hers 118 About, to lawye 126 Less than two 132 133 134 ----n scarf Russ. name, perhaps Leggo my --- DOWN 1 Ben-gay target agents 2 Not experiments 32 Crossed fingers 3 Golfer with army 33 Mexican currenc 4 Refusal 34 Revolutionary Brits Many heavy bool 35 Popular alien Ahab cry, perha 37 Jazz Teacher's Ass. 7 DNA enzyme 38 Friends of mine 8 Post-modernism era 39 Bad move on car ) Acceptance 41 Disdain, strongly 10 Definitely no 42 Bad grade to get a word 11 Single Nestea 15 Get a ---d of this 12 Wart source 46 Sort of suffix 3 Pretentious paintin 47 Museum stuff 4 Homes, to bird 49 Kind of bomb 15 Gary H. 51 Mo. Indians 16 "It was an ----dent" 52 Drea 17 Virginia square dance 8 Danish phones 18 Cain's sibling ;9 Metals, naturall 0 Hitchcock myster 60 AIDS virus 9 Combined olfacto 61 Airport time 30 Cancer causing 62 Pas ouest 16 CALIFORNIA TECH MAGAZINE, JUNE 3, 1988 65ー - that 'coon 66 Less than strict 67 Il sot 68 Speedwagon band 70 Spotted 71 Goldsmith char. 72 Stubbed digit 76 Spotted 78 — on first? 81 Bill the Cat says 32 Grant permissio 33 Sort of a curs 84 Loss of electron 85 Gets beat 86 Ram fan, of sorts 87 Keep yer 88 Not the Ath 89 St. Augustine's club 92 I.A.E 93 Boxing warmup 94 Tech specialty 96 Dentist's drug 97 German cure 99 #15 103 Refusal 106 Bag nets with hoops 108 Sting's message to his dad 110 - one's horn 111 Bum 112 Not quite a Flem 113 Wall Street 114 Poe or Morrison 115 H.O.F.L 116 Old, as it sounds 119 Petrol 122 Entirety, sum 123 TV dance show of 70s 124 125 Top card One that eats too much 129 #5 130 About, legally 15 |16 17 718 22 26 130 43 44 745 46 147 16576616768 174 79 85 92 793 194 104 109 118 119 125 129 130 134 Solution to last week's puzzler FINALLY FINISHED LONG NEVER LONG DOANOTHER AS O RA AV AG 00 LIVE WELLH D HAT SUMMEIN ENJOY BIT YEAH TAM OFFREEDOM TIND ORE DAN TSAFA TEL GOL AK'ER'S WHAT CE ABC DEF DET BU ETA NOWNEVER DON TIL 00 SAYNEVE RAG AING O DLUC ON FT Ls LITH ATSTUMFS NESTO BUT EVENL FEWER DALY STOM NO OR RO WY SALMOSTOW TITH AF EWL ABCDE TUVW AULF FGH TOK LMN Go OP QR WE THAT OLKSHAVE AGOODON Sam Castom Tailo SEE OUR NEW LOCATION 3519 E. COLORADO BLVD PASADENA (818) 793-2582 ALTERATIONS RESTYLING TAILORING INVISIBLE REWEAVING Special rates for Caltech/JPL community SPERM DONORS NEEDED Earn up to $105 per week. University students only. Area's largest sperm bank. Call: (213) 553-3270. California Cryobank, Inc. 2080 Century Park East #306 Los Angeles CA 90067 PASADENA TABERNACLE SUMMER DAY CAMP '88 June 20-August 26, 1988 COED AGE 6-12 Arts & Crafts Swim Lessons ARMY Organized Recreation Day Trips Loads of Fun Fee: $40-50 Weekly Call: (818) 795-8639 ACADEMY BARBER SHOP 27 No. Catalina, Pasadena Open Tues.-Sat., 8 A.M.-5 P.M 449-1681 PARIAN TRAVEL Caltech Officially Approved Most professional, courteous, economical and efficient service for your official and personal travel needs. Free service to you. Airlines, Cruises, Tours, Hotels, Car Rentals. Individual, Commercial, Groups. (818) 577-8200 468 S. Sierra Madre Boulevard, Pasadena Something Unique Has Come to Pasadena! Sidewalk Cafe Family Restaurant FOOD MADE THE OLD FASHION WAY • Nice Easy Atmosphere • Large Portions • With Outside Patio • Reasonable Prices • All American Favorites • Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner • Mediterranean Dishes • Greek Dishes GREEK DELICACIES "YOU CAN EAT FOR LESS AT SIDEWALK CAFE THAN YOU CAN AT HOME." 1616 East Colorado Blvd. • (818) 584-3912 (Next to Pasadena City College) CALIFORNIA TECH MAGAZINE, JUNE 3, 1988 17 DON'T LET YOUR LIFE GO UP IN FLAMES You're in good Palms with AllGod Auto • Home • Life • Fire • Earthquake