California Tech, v. 78:[32], Technical Intruder, June 3, 1977

TECHNICAL 27¢ Top Scientists Create INTRUDER Farrah Facett Clone LARGEST CIRCULATION OF ANY PAPER AT CALTECH - PAGE 2 Top Experts Report AMa95 Causes Most FAILING And Simple Option Change Cures It PAGE 7 How Anita Bryant Causes Homosexuality page 7 The Secret Affairs of Tech Presidents And Their Secretaries page 2 * How the BOD Wastes Your Money on Booze page 7 * * Top Scientists Discover Super Sex Stimulant page 3 ** * Lust in Your Heart centerfold Brown Falls In Love With California Secretary From Old Job "We're madly in love and we don't care who finds out anymore." Harold Brown. Miss Boyer recently left California where she worked So says Suzanne "Flora" Boyer, new assistant to Defense Secretary at the Caltech in order to be closer to her new boyfriend. ledge of DNA and added a new twist." Defense Secretary Finds New Love He then went on to explain Since he came to Washington, the extreme precautions taken, Harold Brown has been keeping at Old Job following the NIH physical con- COHalty with his special assist- tainment guidelines for such radi- alll. Suzanne "Flora' Boyer. It cal work: 1) cold shower before had only been known to a select and after entering facilities 2) few. until the INTRUDER got gargle with Listerine every five wind of the sleezy goings-on. To minutes 3) Retsyn tablets every confirm our suspicions, we hour 4) inspect for silicone interviewed Miss Boyer in her leakage every two days. Dr. plush new Washington office, plazmeed explained his own ad- where she was enjoying a late ditional containment procee- dures: "Each cell that is to be lunch. Miss Boyer has previously been a secretary at the California cloned is kept in its own indi- Institute of. Technology, where vidual baggie and stored in the Dr. Brown had been Head meat compartment of the refrig-erator." Honcho. There problems "Things just sorta fell into in meeting NIH guidelines for place, ya know? We'd biological con lammcht "Unfor- been seeing each other only a short tunately, these Fawcett organ- while, then Harold learned about isms have the property of repro-the Washington thing. And then ducing under almost any condi we realized that we couldn't be tions.' separated, ya know?" Miss Boyer Phases II and III of the at us dreamily while popularity program are rumored ketchup ran down her chin. She to include a replica of Robert quickly stuffed another french Redford for the women and fry in her mouth and continued: David Bowie for those who "Harold then found this neat job aren't sure." for me here. I must say this "It's the most exciting thing to happen to DNA office is better than the hole I since the had back in California-and there invention of sex by Mae West,' much less work! Back at said Dr. Plazmeed. "She suTC Caltech was absolutely knew what to do with her cells." swamped with work from eleven to two, three days a week! Now I have some time to improve my mind. Harold has me taking Adult Education classes. Hey, ya see this keen red IBM typer- writer? It used to belong to Liz Ray. Wow!" At this point we asked if Di Brown would mind the publicity of their affair. Miss Boyer answered us from under her desk where she had dropped the pineapple cream pie: "Well, Harold hasn't wanted me to talk because of that old bag Coleen (Mrs. Brown), but it's common knowledge that she chases after every young congressman on the Hill, so why should Harold care? (giggle) (slurp)." We asked how their relation ship was proceeding, and Mis: Boyer paused to take a long look down into her Pepsi. "We're jus homebodies. Harold comes ove to watch "Leave It to Beaver' reruns while I fix hot dogs ani fritos. After that we might go to a movie, but usually we just stay home and play "Uncle Wiggly. " We're the quiet type." This clone Farrah looks and acts just like the original Sex Symbol Recreated in Genetics By DIANE HAYS Barstow-DNA researchers here Experiment claim success in their attempt to Technology are unwilling to re- duplicate Farrah Fawcett using port on how much they paid for the latest recombinant DNA and the three cells but rumors run cloning techiques. Dr. James from $2000 per cell to $10,000 Bonbon said, "This is phase I of for the set. Farrah was not attempt to make DNA re- available for comment but her search popular with the public. agent is reported to have said, We arranged with Farrah's agents "She's got plenty more where to get three cells from her. These they came from. I'll be happy to cells were then processed in our get three more anytime. It was P8 lab under maximum security great getting the first three." precautions. the result was two Reports claim that the pro- life-sized Farrah Fawcett organ- fessors here plan to sell their isms and one of Twiggy. The organisms for only $25. "In this problems in the latter case have way we can flood the market so been worked out. everyone can see how much fun Researchers hare at the Bar- DNA really is," stow Institute of said Dr. Plaz- meed. "We just took our know- Guilt by Association Nature. Sweetener Proved Hazardous "Sugar is dangerous...it should to Humans be classified dangerous When asked how people can carcinogen and removed any form of sale!" from adapt to their new, sugar-less life, Dr. Hlyden was less than sympa- So says Dr. William Hlyden, the tic. "If the (deleted)(deleted) one of two scientists from the Northern Yukon Cancer Research can't adapt to this life, then let Institute (NYCRI) who have fi- contributed enough?" nally managed to track down this dangerous drug. Dr. Hlyden and his coworker, tion., There are millions of other Dr. Landd, recently made the results of their ten week investi- that are perfectly safe." gation public in the Northern F.D.A. is banning sugar, effective Yukon Cancer Research Institute Bulletin, the official organ of the NYCRI. department is rapidly acclimating the buying public to the dangers of sugar and the advantages of Their research involved force-feeding rats, via a mouth tube to their lower intestinal tract. The rats were fed 500 "Not only do I share with my Canadian colleagues a relief in wiping out cancer in our lifetime, grams (roughly two pounds) sugar daily. After a period of five weeks, one of the female rats covered many other advantages to the ban on sugar. This could developed a strange, tumor-like bulge on her underbelly. "That's when we knew we had finally tracked down the killer drugs," explains Dr. Landd. "We naturally, in the name of hu- manity, had to kill the rats to and fallen arches." All of these items have been previously attributed to sugar, but F.D.A. regulations state that they can't ban a substance unless it causes cancer. Fortunately, the researchers at perform a biopsy, which is when we discovered many looking cells." unusual Hlyden, Added Dr. "I can only hope that the amount of lives we save will justify this great loss." against sugar. When asked what they intended to do next, Dr. Hlyden stated, "There are many other avenues to travel down, many other substances that we can get taken off the market due Page 2 TECHNICAL INTRUDEK Christy, Vogt Take Over 'Like hell l'm Acting Presi- dent," proclaimed Bob Christy at this informal meeting with the faculty at which he announced that he and Robbie Vogt were replacing the present Caltech power structure with a military junta. "It was Robbie's idea," he said, "and it sounded good to me. I'm tired of taking shit from everyone." At left, Vogt is shown conferring with the head ot the new military rule Caltech, which he contesses is vital to their plans. "They've got to keep those students off our backs," he said, "especially those damn Tech editors." He then began reminiscing about the good old days In Germany when discipline was tight. "Those pussys wouldn't have lasted ten seconds there," he commented. Scientists Find Human Sex Stimulant By MEL O. SENT Scientists Los report the finding Angeles of the long sought human aphrodesiac pheromone after months of arousing investigation. The name of the compound, revealed by Ira Scott-land, famed and orgasmic chemist spokesman for the group, will be Farrahmoan I. Scottland outlined the radically new techniques used for the compound's isolation, but due to their potential harmful misuses, refrained from revealing *any experimental details. Apparently, over 500 male volunteers subjected to the reruns from the ABC series "Charlie's Angels"for continuous periods of five to seven days. Asked 1t war difficult volunteers for enough the massive pro- ject, Scottland replied, "Oh no. They raised themselves. It was easy as squeezing fruit for juice (we did that last year). In fact, we netted $3000 on the deal." Total yield was reported to be 30 grams. Final purification of the pheromone was a joint concern of Scottland and a Dr. James Bonbon of the Barstow Uni- versity of Science and Technolo-gy. It was conducted entirely within the confines of the P8 facility due Farrahmoan's extremely high potency. Scottland, when asked about his future plans, remarked, "Well, we're curchay trylls lo get reruns of "The Six Million Dollar Man.' In addition Scottland is planning Farrahmoan's commer- cialization within the next three years. rumor has it that plans are underway for incorporating Far-rahmoan 1n Farrah series of Fawcett-Majors scratch- and-sniff posters. DO-ERS PROFILES (Pronounced Dewar's "White Libel") NERDLY PITHED HOME: Beckman Behavioral Biology, CALTECH, PASADENA PROFESSION: RAT HOBBIES: Bouncing Up and Down MOST MEMORABLE BOOK: DECsystem10 Operating Manual LAST ACCOMPLISHMENT: Memorized pi to 4000 Decimal Places PROFILE: Concerned. Deeply involved with computers as a means of advancing the social sciences. SCOTCH: Do-ers "White Libel" Atrocious. There are over whiskies in Scotland, but only 3K ways to blend a few are atrocious enough for Do-ers "White Libel." The quality standards set in 1846 have never been used. Into each drop goes only the whiskies from Uplands, the Lowlands, and the Inner Hebrides. Do-ers never varies. Frosh Testing Chamber "And this is our frosh testing chamber," explains AMa Prof. E.J. List to touring alumni and their guests. He was explaining how mountain climbing courses could help solve the problem of overcrowding in the student houses at Caltech, As he explains it, "I would make graduating from Caltech like climbing Mt. Everest; only a select few would make it." As a concession to student interests, he says he would allow the potential mountain climbers to wear shoes during their assault. Rumor has it that he may even back down to the point of allowing students to earn an AA degree for scaling Mt. Whitney. "Pasadena Triangle" Mystery Deepens As B&G Troll Vanishes Several vehicles have been Without Trace reported missing in a small section of Southern California. Lo- coffee break when he decided to cals have dubbed it the "Pasade-go get a Milky Way from the na Triangle" and it indeed be-cafeteria. He turned the corner haves much like the famed Ber-and that was the last we ever saw muda Triangle. The area is main-of poor old Snerd. He owed me ly confined to the grounds of the ten bucks, too, what a bitch. California Institute of Technolo- Man, we looked everywhere, even gy, but disappearances have also in the women's locker room in been reported in nearby San the gym, where he liked to hide Marino. The Intruder interviewed and surprize the gals (haw haw)- several Caltech personnel who especially the young ones. Geez, witnessed disappearances. Speedy what a bitch, huh?" Gonzales, motorized cart driver tells one story full of Scientists have horror: "Man, me and Homer explanation for afforded no these strange Snerd were eating Ho-Ho's during Occurro loos. Conson ll be paid for each "True INTRUDER, Own Up ECHNICAL Pasadena, California, 91125. Mr. Qualline's letters have prompted a great deal of inquiry into the Coffeeshop affairs, and, since looks like the whole story will be out in a couple of months anyway, we, in the spirit of _Wayne Hayes, wish to reveal to the entire campus the real reasons behind the recent Coffeehouse troubles. Financial problems came about slowly, like all those things do. Early in second term we took a tour of South American plantations, to see if we could get a better price from them then we could from our Mexican suppliers. Upon our return, we disco- True Confessions vered, much to our horror, that our five kilos of prime quality "Mexican Blue" had been seized at the border. And so, with hush money, bribes, and lawyer's fees on top of travel expenses, and all our Mexican holdings tied up in litigation, we had a severe shortage of liquid assets. We were barely able to pay Georgio the "insurance" money for February. Anyway, we spent a few very hectic days shipment. arranging another By then, of course, Customs was after us and we had that little shoot-out at our airstrip in the Mojave desert, which you all know about. So you see, with all problems, the whole food busi- ness just went to pot. With Love, COFFEESHOP MANAGEMENT TECHNICAL INTRUDER Page 3 Department BRIEFS By SHORTSTOP The physical education depart- I The biology division office ment has had a very full and enjoyable subsequently announced that it week searching for a had cancelled its plans to put a two-ton shipment of briefs that new apparently was supposed to be biology north side building the of San Pasqual, delivered to their supply office, replacing Coffeeshop and but the never arrived. Forty-seven Public Relations. irate undergraduates enrolled in An overjoyed manager at the weight-training and ballet made a former site expressed his grati- brief protest, during which they tude to the division, and added, flooded the swimming pool and "It would be fair at this point to dribbled Warren Emery from the Gym to the postal station. expect that will lift our embargo on reject rabbit meat, Several graduate students of and negotiate new supply con- the biology division, working in the sub-basement of Jerkoff, tracts with biology." Meanwhile, the P.R. Office is have successfully combined recombinant DNA techniques, reputed to be reconsidering the possibility of modern high-speed centrifuge re-establishing normalized public relations with technology, and fourteenth- biology, and once again recog- century alchemy to clone a fully nizing six, rather than five, functional sub-sub-basement to Jerkoff. academic divisions at the Institute in its official publications. READERS PICK TOP SONGS STANFORD TRIED To the tune of "Mama Tried" First thing I remember knowin' Was a test tube overflowin' And an eight-scale plastic sliderule by my side. After high school I left town; Off to Caltech I was bound- No one could change my mind, but Stanford tried. One and only quiet child, From a family rough and wild; Science was Nirvana, I was sure. I just couldn't stop that learnin' Towd to get my one foot in the don I had to get my one foot ir CHORUS: And I turned twenty-one at Caltech Doing four years, what a drag. No one could steer me right but Stanford tried, Stanford tried Stanford tried to grant me money but their offer I denied. And that leaves only me to blame 'cause Stanford tried. Princeton almost had me sold, But the weather there's too cold, And besides, my goal of Science I would lose. 1 tudied hours without rest, I just had to have the best. But now I've got the Caltech trollin' blues. send entries to nia, 9112 OH MY GPA To the tune of "Darling Clementine" Oh my GPA, Oh my GPA, ah, once it was so fine: Now it's lost and gone forever, gone forever, 3.9. Math and Physics, Chem and Bio, failed them all right down the line, Now it's lost and gone forever, gone forever, 2.9. irst I found her, then I lost her nd the world was not so fine Now it's lost and gone forever, gone forever, 1.9. Took Chem 26 and 125, bit it off just all the time, Now it's lost and gone forever, gone forever, 0.9. Got up for all my 8 o'clocks every morning half past nine, Now it's lost and gone forever, gone forever, .09. Employee-Of-The-Week B & G Where you're "Serviced with a Smile" Specialists in: J.R.Tridd, ace go-cart driver (12 confirmed students, and 2 probables) Landscaping Carpentry Crab Grass Removal BUD Minutes King Bert Holds Court I salt in his drink & stares into its order at 8:00 p.m. in the Ath Bar. The bar had been serving all manners of drink to BOD members since 7:30; with this inducement McDonnell, Sexton, Schwartz, Fisher, Gutier-rez, Beausoliel and Paxton were Schwartz return. Schwartz be required to take a Paxton/McDonnell, round of green dragons. All amendments to the by-laws were approved, including the one giving full power to the BOD to set dues and fees. light of tuition increases from Caltech's own Mafia representative Morris "Big Mo" Fiorina counting his cash after selling out to the Pittsburgh based mob. "It was just simple hard bargaining," he said. the current $22 per annum to Top Doctors Claim ... Orange Juice Commercials Cause MIAMI BEACH-Doctors here have recently made great strides Homosexuality in the understanding of homosex- Anita Bryant stated. "It's the uality. A recent study of physi- thilliest thing I've ever heard. It's cal, psychological, and emotional just not true. All of my fruits are tests given to over 200 members of the Geriatrics Asylum for straight. Isn't it queer that they claim my wholesale juice com- Young Swedes showed three ma- mercials send men running into jor causes of homosexuality. each others arms. Why, my fruits The first two cause about 5% and melons would never cause of the homosexuality. These are that sort of problem any more 1) having the name "Percy" or "Bruce" and 2) carrying a pic- than Crosby's would." (Crosby ture of Truman Capote. refused to comment on his mel- How-ons.) ever, the most startling discovery Dr. Gaye also stated, "Ms. is that 95% of homosexuality is Bryant's conduct on her com- caused by "viewing or participat- mercials are so "sweet' that she ing in orange juice commercials". drives men to depravity. Her Dr. Harry N. Gaye of the Florida manners seem to imply that her Academy of Genetic Studies oranges aren't the only things claims, "Prolonged exposure Bryant's commercials that are Sunkist. She always Anita looks as if she is about to flip caused abnormal sexual behavior that orange bird that flies around in a sample of 62 Drisophila. with her. These sorts of things became bisexual, 50 became are unsettling to the behavior of homosexual, and became the young men of America. Ms. pimps. It's a scary statistic." When asked to Bryant just shouldn't flaunt her comment, fruits." "AMa95 changed my life!" "It's really true," says Tom Guthree, fifth year senior. "If it weren't for AMa95 and E,J. List I might be out in the savage real world fighting for my life. Thanks to AMa95, I'm still here at wonderful Caltech, breezing along with just my 12 units of 95. I would recommend this course to anyone." The Great Prophet E.J. List Yes, it's true and E.J. List has thousands of documented cases in his files. Drop over to see him sometime in his office or wander into his class sometime. Or, better yet, take AMa95. You'll never forget his 8:00 in-class tests! Caltech Trolls Now Able to Create Earthquakes Earthquake Engineering Special Technology proudly gave birth to their first healthy earthquake on April first this year. It occurred precisely on schedule and was localized to Caltech's Seismo- logical Laboratory in Pasadena. Only a few squirrels, bugs, and worms residing nearby were known to have perished in the quake, which registered 1.7 on the Richter scale. Cabinet Members You Love to Hate Dear Editor: Your article of last week concerning the appointment of Harold Braun to the cabinet concerned me. How could such a large man ever fit into a three drawer Mediterranean Hutch?I feel his calling is more in the line of telephone Sincerely, post. Shevaun Schtooker No, I think you are mistaken, Ms. Schtooker. I'm afraid you didn't quite understand our report. Harold Braun was selected for the position primarily due to his rather small mentality. He will fit fine. California Tech Ceasing Publication The California Tech regrets to announce that it will miss next three months of publication due to the necessity of relocating its offices. Word has come down from third floor Millikan that the current working areas in Winnett are urgently needed weekly meetings of the Faculty Committee on Tenure. (8) Guttierez points out that ASCIT has suddenly generated an additional $1½ million revenue. "I think at least half of that to additional $1 million is approved (Guttierrez/Beausoliel, 1 (Guttier- er round of drinks. cation of the remaining $500,000 of future ASCIT funds to purchase a fleet of 50 ASCIT busses. The proposal is approved (Fisher/ Beausoliel, 1 (Fisher) -0-5) learned that Alasco, Inc. is sys- lousewart and that the species is Wells: "This is a moral outrage!" owns a controlling Unified Widgets, which owns a demonstrate their furor on this issue. I demand the entire student body strike and try to force the administration to use their controlling interest in Alasco to ation and save the lousewart. Is there a motion?" ram this down your throats.... ceeded to do so anyways, (Wells/ Wells 6-0-0). Wells: "You may (24) 10:10 p.m. Paxton and (25) 10:11 p.m. Paxton and he is ASCIT treasurer. Beausoliel: "That's right-now I remember your name was on the ballot. How the hell'd you beat that character-Blowjoe [Typist note: saber.] or whatever the hell his ways?" Schwartz giggles. (11) Kaler, upon learning of "Goddamn, what's he [Guttier- whore? Sexton nods his head. Kaler says "Piss. I fucking think at least half of that fucking $1½ million should go to the fucking IHC." Motion to give the IHC $1 fucking million and take away the $1 fucking million from the fucking ESC is approved. (Kaler/ Guttierrez return. Anderson's charge that the BOD committed an honor system violation by demanding he pay his reports that the BOC has found the BOD guilty. The BOC has recommended punishments ranging from expulsion for the President to confiscation of McDon-nell's colored pens; horror of horrors! No word yet as to how the dean will respond to these (15) 9:30 p.m. Paxton, look- are you up to, Leslie?" Paxton: Tom." McDonnell: "Oh Boy!" (30) 10:31 p.m. Paxton and (31) 10:32 p.m. "I.. I.. I'm sorry Leslie, I just couldn't find it." drink ourselves under the table." is approved (Beausoliel/ 1s ad Schwartz are excused. foreign policy seminar U.S., that the in order to counter-balance the recent Soviet gift of 10,000 toilets to 10,000 Nigeria, sending plumber's helpers. Mc- Donnell "What giggles. Beausoliel says the shit." Kaler shakes TECHNICAL Reprehensibly submitted, ASCIT Secretary "Well, what the hell "does D.C. stand for, anyway. Bert Wells ASCIT President Page 7 Random Shit Juicy Tidbits Around Campus Pile up and burn those old ing freshman males at random, catalogs, for they're now obso-and will be flying them to Geneva lete. for minor alterations the week The Caltech Registrar's Office before Frosh Camp." Dr. Glowin made the surprising announce- also said that Glay Glub Director ment today that from now on, Laugh Frodsham will be in atten- the unit of Caltech academic dance to help the eager froshlings credit will no longer be called become tenors. the "unit". Acting Registrar Cal seems that Stanford and Worthington Bonner said of the MIT have both sent letters ex- decision, in a rare commercial pressing their gratitude to Dr. appearance: "We are trying here Glowin, as his action will "take to keep the Caltech community CIT out of the competition this in touch with reality. Bad year for the Best and the Bright- nough that everything else in the place comes in units; by calling them "arbits", we will not only be giving them a unique name, but one which is more fitting for the manner in which they are awarded." Grade point averages will, unfortunately, not be affect-ed, and it will still take 516 arbits (unless you're math flunky) to get your BS together. Meanwhile, Institute Out- The Environmental Quality Laboratory hoping for drought this summer, according to an unlynchable source. . "There are too many people in the local environment, and that's the prob-lem," he was quoted as saying in a news conference in the Alumni Swimming Pool. "This will either kill them, or drive them back to Hackensack." spokesman Ricardo Parkonthe- olivewalk Gomez said only "no comment" 1n response to the charge by the Federal Aviation Administration that Caltech creating an air safety hazard by failing to be visible to pilots or to show up on aerial photographs of Pasadena. Despite numerous barricades surrounding the area, four more B&G funny cars piloted by experienced grounds personnel have mysteriously vanished in the Pasadena Triangle. Assistant Junior B&G Lackey First Class Homer Snerd denied that his colleagues were missing, however. "Heck, n," he said, "they're just Onld coffee break." Ap- parently safety conscious, a high official from third-floor Millikan ordered anyway that B&G doub. le eight the number of barricades posted around the area. B&G has indicated that it will comply with the order, soon as the necessary paperwork is complete. Word from our correspondent foreign late this evening indicated that the entire third floor of Millikan has mysteriously vanished as well. "B&G may deny responsibility," he said, but when I tried to get the elevator to stop there, it refused, and I found telltale fingerprints all over the pushbuttons. "California Tech? Never heard of it.' Professor of Biology and Dean of Students Raygun Glowin an- ALVERIISEMENI nounced yesterday that he has found the cure for the sexual imbalance dillone the under- Excursion into the Unknown... graduates at Caltech. "It's really quite simple," he explained, "We have selected half of the incom- ADVERTISEMENT DENTURES FALL OUT? Do your dentures shoot out across the room whenever you open your mouth? Do they give you those embarassing problmes during oral lovemaking? Do the neighborhood kids punch you in the mouth to see how far they'll fly? You need EASTMAN 910, the miracle denture adhesive! Live a quasi-normal life once again! At all drug counters. Impress yvul friends! Travel through hyperspace and commune with erudite philosophers from the past. Come back reincarnation Aunt Jemima! Silence those pseudo-intellectuals who call you a cretin and kick sand in you face at the beach. You will have learned the Wicaon ot the ancients and communed with the Universal have ligence. Don't pass up this offer, let this free book explain. This is not a religous doctrine, but a simple, natural plan (FDA approved, UL listed) that gives Man insight into the great Cosmic Scheme. Write to the Crustaceans, an age-old brotherhood of egotistical, snobs, pretentious for copy of the book "Mastery of Life. Life i tell the boo in the privacy of your own home, you may indulge yourself in these mysteries of life known to such ancients as the Sodomites. Grandma had a word for it cactere Page 8 CHNIC TRUDE In Memoriam Caltech was sad to learn ot the death OT Robbie "I-don't- want-to-ram-this-down-your throat" Vogt, of a lightning bolt, on June 30. His last words were reportedly a short giggle followed by, "Too Bad J.J, you have to put up with the bastards now." This was apparently a reference his successor as Faculty Chairman, Dr. James Morgan, who presided at the services for Dr. Vogt July 1. Mushy Mush Reporting... TALES OF TRUE COURAGE Excruciating pain... repeated surgery... arduous therapy. crates of "Arrid Extra Dry" nearby exploded, causing a fro- frustrating unemployment. zen pizza to fly through the air That has been Rolf Rarp's life and severe Rolf's head. We for the last three years. But rushed him to the hospital, but nothing-not even the total lack we knew he would never be the of a head-can douse his courage. same." It was then that the Rarp "Rolf refuses to let anything family began to see Rolf's cour- get him down. He sits still for age at work. He consented to days on end, as contented as can be, months of difficult rehabilitation says his mother, Mrs. Rhon- without voicing complaints or da Rarp. ever looking discouraged. A pros- "He lost his head in a freak thetic head was grocery cart pileup at the Hinky- donated by Montgomery Ward, and Rotf, 18, Dinky. basket Rolf was riding in the was soon able to wear a hat while I was looking at again. some creamed corn on sale for 39€ a can when Mrs. Thelma Knurp came the careening around corner, smashing into Mr. Whipple, the grocer, the creamed corn, and poor Rolf. The three This brave young man enjoys the cards and letters INTRUDER readers send. His address is: Rolf Rarp, 666 Moosepelt Land, Tits-marsh, Kentucky 28305, CALTECH BARBER SHOP introduces SCIENTIFIC HAIRCUTS TANGLINGS with this ad 20% off on all MUSSINGS BUTCHERINGS BALDINGS "Ze airhead is dead... long leeve ze brainy look!